Written: 8/2020

Things I Wasn’t Allowed to Discuss

He knew exactly why he used to get texts like these. Ones of incredible length regarding my feelings.. Followed by me explaining my feelings in painful detail because he'd respond angrily and make me defend my feelings, just so he could belittle my input to such a degree that I would then be urged to defend my defense of my feelings. Your head hurt yet?? Mine always did.
 

My feelings and thoughts would never be addressed, only the confounding arguments he'd create out of the most benign inquiries and heartfelt expressions.
 

I ended up spending hours crafting a single text on several occasions because of how conditioned I became to accept and fear his inevitable anger and invalidation of anything that was important to me.
 

No matter what I said, or how diligently and compassionately I articulated my self expression, it resulted in the same outcome— His outrage, and then his claims of my lack of consideration for him.
 

I tried desperately to delicately write out my thoughts in a logical manner in hopes of avoiding his anger, disapproval, or misunderstanding of my intent.
 

My meticulous writings were eventually preceded by paper rough drafts because I knew better than to send my honest thoughts without explaining myself and explaining why I explained myself. I’d spend an entire day writing and rewriting on paper before doing the same after typing it on my phone.
 

I was trying so hard not to do anything wrong, but no matter what I did or didn’t do he kept saying that I was being selfish, crazy, or stupid.
 

I no longer felt or thought the way I did before I met him. I felt hopelessly stuck and confused. Preparing to share my thoughts with my boyfriend was excessively anxiety-inducing due to intense fear and dread of me doing it all wrong and ruining everything.. because that's what he kept telling me I was doing every single time I tried to speak up.
 
I endlessly tiptoed, catered, and then apologized endlessly for tiptoeing and catering to him.
 

He could not be pleased unless I was 100% silent without wants, needs, or feelings..

Anything beyond that was treated as a demanding, disrespectful inconvenience.

I'd immediately be harshly shamed and/or ghosted by my own boyfriend for days until he felt like dealing with me.
 

IT WAS ALWAYS ON HIS TERMS — When we spoke, how we spoke, when we'd meet up etc. etc.. I no longer know how to stop explaining myself and creating massive texts or personal writings because he drilled into my head that everything I said was pointless or horrible.
 

I had to explain myself repeatedly only to fail in my desperate attempts to have my feelings or existence acknowledged and respected.
 

I couldn't comprehend how he repeatedly failed to understand my perspective in the least after the extreme efforts I placed into providing kind and insightful messages. It was disheartening to know he didn't understand, or that he simply didn't care.
 

He likely only enjoyed reading the messages in which he had kicked me down so far that I'd lost composure while standing up for myself or spewing how much pain and instability it was causing me.
 

He could make use of me breaking down or freaking out. He could use those messages to change people's perception of me, alter the reality of our relationship, or maybe just to fool himself into thinking my self-defense was the initiating 'attack.'
 

Those long messages in bulk were sent once part of my psyche had snapped from the weight of his verbal assaults— which he usually provided whenever I'd let him know I was already feeling considerably low. He’d step up just to kick me lower, and then convince me I threw myself to the ground.
 

I now know it was deliberate. To break me until I was feeling nothing but hopelessness and despair. With my thoughts in such a low state he could easily fill them back up with his own.
 

Merely his outrage over whatever my feelings were would always take center stage until I'd accept that what I felt and needed was insignificant, deeply foolish, or absurdly offensive. 

Then there would be silence for days..which was quite possibly exactly what my feelings were hurt by to begin with.
 

I wouldn't dare reach out to him first by text or a call. I had been trained to never do such a thing for he described it as needy, suffocating, and "crazy shit" that he said upset him so deeply that he had to confide in 19 year old girl that he was having doubts about me.
 

Anytime I'd express fear, stress, and confusion, he described my most relatable and logical feelings or thoughts as "dramatic bullshit" and manipulation.
 

It meant nothing to him that I was abundantly cautious of his feelings and took great care with every message I sent out of fear of hurting him.
 

I was expected to bend over backwards and treat him like a child-king as he displayed a complete disregard or disdain for my feelings, wants, and needs.
  

I was mentally broken away from who I was and became an all-consumed and battered puppet. My concerns and independent thoughts began to diminish, just as my happiness had.
 

My 'love' for him was an all-consuming devotion to his happiness alone. It was all that mattered. He knew it, he knew exactly what he had done. He told me towards the end of our relationship that he had abused his ex wife and her child. He seemed proud of his 'psychological warfare' proficiency.
 

His brother is a respected forensic psychologist, my ex had to know that a person being an imbecile is not a prerequisite to having their mind tortured and manipulated by someone practiced and determined to do just that. Yet he would quietly say "that's weak" in regards to domestic violence victims.
 

He also could be subtle. He once said, "what kind of girlfriend wants a boyfriend who only texts her two times in over a week, that's weak.." long pause, "Of me I mean, as a boyfriend." Right D.B.,.. right. 

Just continue to push everyone down as low as you can get them, simply so you can look down on them and feel bigger.. Pushing others down doesn't actually make someone bigger, it just means they're temporarily elevated while standing on someone else's back like a stepping stool-
 

Anyway, this weakling was trained to try my best to not say a peep to him while he was ghosting.. And if I did, it would include apologies and explanations for daring to contact him and justifying his wrath.

After more days or weeks passed by without a single word I'd get overwhelmingly stressed and insecure, because his behavior fully contradicted all of his beautiful promises and his profound declarations.
 

I'd compose the calmest message full of loving sentiments sharing my fears, vulnerabilities, and hope. Likely along with an unwarranted apology. He’d stay silent.
 

If even more time passed my texts would become much more frantic as I'd start to struggle trying making sense of the blatant contradictions between his loving words and his hateful actions, such as his ghosting or lashing out.
  

When he returned he'd act like nothing ever happened, or begin telling me my reactions to his cruelty and neglect made no sense, were crazy overreactions, and that I was pushing blame "unloading on him." 

My texts (because he literally refused to talk to me on the phone) were always about me feeling insecure, insignificant, confused, and lonely due to his erratic behavior and lacking communication that was usually harsh once provided.
 

On a few occasions I sent so many long messages that it seemed crazy, I felt crazy. The thing is, me blowing up his phone was my reaction to his 'crazy' abusive behavior. 

I'm sure it is obvious while reading this that I am still explaining and defending all of my words to death. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I'm still working on no longer apologizing for speaking, thinking, and feeling. I refuse to settle for being in this state of mind.