DISCARD 1:
"Thanks, take care."
Sections:
- Text & Call Log
- The Discard
- The Text He Sent Me 6 Days Later
On May 20, 2020- seven consecutive days of no communication following our date, I reached out to him. I was miserable and worried about him.
Text/Call Logs
ME: "Hey. I know you hate phones, but could you please give me a call this afternoon because it's difficult for me to go a week without talking to you."
HIM: "I'll call you later but you have to have something to talk about. Every time I call I've had to get the conversation going and I don't want that tonight." (Keep in mind he'd called me a grand total of three times in over two months. Literally.)
ME: "No problem. I won't keep you long."
ME: "D***, are you angry with me?"
He Immediately called:
HIM: "Hey. What is it? What's the problem? What do you want to talk about?"
ME: "Nothing, I just missed you."
HIM: "Why would you think I was mad at you? Why would I be angry with you?
ME: "I was just worried because you hadn't talked to me all week. I couldn't think of anything I did wrong. Also, I just really missed you."
Me: "How's your friend Rose?"
HIM: "She's good. She got mad at me because I wouldn't go see her last night. I told her is was a bad idea and that I'd have to talk to my girlfriend first. She laughed and asked, "You have a girlfriend!?". She knows I never date. It was a bad idea, she's having a hard time right now and I know she has feelings for me."
ME: "Thanks for not going over. No, I'm not comfortable with that at all. I mean, do you have feelings for her too?"
HIM: "What?"
ME: "I asked if you had feelings for her too."
HIM: "Yes. I'm not going to lie to you. You know I'm always brutally honest. I do, but I'm WITH you. Her hair does always smell good, but it has nothing on how your boobs smell."
ME: "Alright. I care about you and want to be with you. But I don't want to be force someone to be with me. Do you want to be with me?"
HIM: "Yes! I don't waste my time. I can tell you're upset now. I want to be with you. I do care for her, but she has a lot of unappealing traits as well. Don't stress yourself out about it. Don't over think this."
ME: "I just wasn't expecting this."
HIM: "Yeh, I know. Then maybe you shouldn't have asked the fucking question!"
ME: "If we're together long enough, will you stop caring about her?"
HIM: "I guess so. If it was a really long time. It's hard, she's been in my life for like 12 years. I care about her well-being. She's classy. She's a good woman, she's just always with the wrong guy. But there's also a lot about her that's off putting too.
I GOT OFF THE PHONE SHOCKED, HANDS SHAKY, HURT. WTF JUST HAPPENED?
How could he have the heart to talk to me in such a hateful way? I texted him right after we got off the phone.
Text log
ME: "Thanks for being honest."
HIM: "Yup."
ME: "All I ask is that if we're together long enough or you fall in love with me, that she won't be more important than me. Is that possible?"
HIM: "Let it go!"
HIM: "I told you not to overthink it! Now you're pissing me off!"
HIM: "Rose is the reason I broke up with my last 3 gf's. They are always jealous and it creates animosity and chaos. Don't fall into that category."
ME: "I just wanted to work through this because I care about you, and it's important. I don't I have much of anything in common with you exes other than being a girl and having good hair. lol"
HIM: "All this is doing is making me regret not going through with the break up."
ME: "What? I can't believe you are reacting to harshly to me just wanting to discuss this. Why do you talk about breaking up over something so small, yet I'm willing and wanting to work through you having feelings for another woman? I just want to know where I stand with you."
HIM: "You think this is small!?!? You just don't get it. You're still clueless. It's the same principal as the other shit! I'm going take a shower and shave then I'll call you.
ME: "It was a big deal that you cared about another woman. And now I know you broke up with you last 3 girlfriends over her. That is a big thing to learn and deal with. I just wanted to try to work through it. You're being unfair."
HIM: "Go ahead! Say how mean I am and that you don't deserve it and how it's not fair!"
ME: "No! I love you. I know it's too soon and stupid, but it's driving me mad not being able to fix things."
HIM: "Thanks. Take care!"
He Immediately called:
HIM: "Hey. What is it? What's the problem? What do you want to talk about?"
HIM: "Yes! I don't waste my time. I can tell you're upset now. I want to be with you. I do care for her, but she has a lot of unappealing traits as well. Don't stress yourself out about it. Don't over think this."
He did this discard over the phone right after we had just seen each other for first time in two months due to the strict Covid shut down... We hadn't seen each other, not even once. Finally we had had our first date, and it was pretty nice, he talked about some girl named Rose too much. But we spent several hours together. We went to the beach, and he invited me to his family's reunion even though he wasn't sure they'd still have it.
He said his father's death made him realize how important family was. I thought everything was ok. Better, finally. He convinced me that he wanted a future with me more than anything
The morning after our date, when I thought everything was great, I was on cloud 9, everything was wonderful..I sent him a text telling him I was thinking of him, that I was happy, and that I was going to try and be productive. And he responded "Be productive!" That was it. He didn't say anything else. This was the morning after he invited me to the family reunion and our bond seemed strong. He didn't send me a goodnight, ask me how I was doing , what I was doing.
He didn't act like he missed me or wanted to talk to me, nothing. But he had trained me so well to where..even though those things seemed very suspicious and hurtful, and just not how people are supposed to be in a relationship.. It seemed like it would be obvious he was using me, but we had been together for months, and he had trained me to believe that he was struggling so bad with that combat-PTSD, and that when he was in such a dark place he isolated himself because that was the only way he knew how to deal with it.
He said he wouldn't do it anymore, but of course, after he kept telling me how bad it was in the past, I told him to do what he had to do to take care of himself because I cared about him being alright more that I do about myself. So I would just be quiet, and just wait.
He always pulled me back in by suddenly acting like I was everything to him, and stating that he was just truly struggling, and that if I just held on he'd be back whenever he got himself together mentally and emotionally. He’d say it was all due to the recent tragedy.
He got me back that day. We met up. He apologized more. I didn't realize at the time what was happening. I didn't know anything about narcissistic abuse perpetrated by narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, etc. I'd never heard about the hoovering and abusive exploitation.
I didn't want it to be true, because it hurt a great deal. So I forgave him, and we got back together. I went right back to being guided by him. I will post the calendar eventually, it is just really embarrassing because it is obvious what was happening now, he was just using me for something so basic and obvious.
He had said something on our date before this discard, it kind of haunts me a tiny bit now..he said that he didn't understand why people didn't just leave abusive relationships..that he never understood that at all. When I got a little flustered and told him to read about it and look into it because it isn't that simple he said, "I know a lot about it, actually." He sure did. It is how he will be in any relationship he ever has. He has to be in control and degrade others to feel strong and superior.. probably to feel anything.
He said his father's death made him realize how important family was. I thought everything was ok. Better, finally. He convinced me that he wanted a future with me more than anything
The morning after our date, when I thought everything was great, I was on cloud 9, everything was wonderful..I sent him a text telling him I was thinking of him, that I was happy, and that I was going to try and be productive. And he responded "Be productive!" That was it. He didn't say anything else. This was the morning after he invited me to the family reunion and our bond seemed strong. He didn't send me a goodnight, ask me how I was doing , what I was doing.
He didn't act like he missed me or wanted to talk to me, nothing. But he had trained me so well to where..even though those things seemed very suspicious and hurtful, and just not how people are supposed to be in a relationship.. It seemed like it would be obvious he was using me, but we had been together for months, and he had trained me to believe that he was struggling so bad with that combat-PTSD, and that when he was in such a dark place he isolated himself because that was the only way he knew how to deal with it.
He said he wouldn't do it anymore, but of course, after he kept telling me how bad it was in the past, I told him to do what he had to do to take care of himself because I cared about him being alright more that I do about myself. So I would just be quiet, and just wait.
I waited, until..I waited two days. I sent him a cute picture of me with my hair all big and curly, because he said he loved that. During the date we just had, he was so romantic and serious about me. He had spoken about marriage and a future with me. So I thought it was ok to be sweet back. It was all too soon, I don't know what happened. I was just there and believed him, and adored it all as I'd get swept up in all he said. The text with the image I sent of my big cute hair said I was thinking about him even when I just look in the mirror and see my hair a way I know he'd like it.. And that I liked that even silly little things made me think of him. He didn't respond.
The next day he sent me an image of his grades. And so I sent him a picture of mine. I told him good job, and that it had been a B-kind of semester for me, with a little funny face emoji. He never responded. And then more days went by with no communication.
The next day he sent me an image of his grades. And so I sent him a picture of mine. I told him good job, and that it had been a B-kind of semester for me, with a little funny face emoji. He never responded. And then more days went by with no communication.
I ended up reaching out on the seventh consecutive day of no communication following our date (that date in which he invited me to a family reunion, talked about us sleeping in a separate beds in the hotel to respect his mother, he even talked about his fear of sleeping next to me because he had night terrors from his combat PTSD that can get violent)
Everything had been so serious on that date. He even talked about not wanting my kid to wake him up, and that he was worried, but he said that he and I could explain that to my kid when the time came. He talked about a future again. He talked about us and marriage again! But then a whole week went by afterwards in which he treated me like I was nothing to him.
I should've listened to his actions..but it just didn't make sense.So I sent him that message. The text I sent him on that seventh day was very simple. I said, "Hey. I know that you hate talking on the phone, but it is really difficult for me to go an entire week without talking with you. Can you please give me a call? I'd really appreciate it." And his response was, "OK. I'll call you later but you have to have something to talk about. Every time I call I have to get the conversation going and I don't want that tonight."
Always about him, again. It made no sense by the way, because he never called me, he literally only called me three times within the first two+ months. I said "No problem, I won't keep you long." But a few minutes later I sent him another text because his behavior didn't make sense. It was cold, it was distant, I felt like I meant nothing and he was giving me no consideration. Probably because didn't mean anything to him ever, which is why he treated me like I was nothing.
He always pulled me back in by suddenly acting like I was everything to him, and stating that he was just truly struggling, and that if I just held on he'd be back whenever he got himself together mentally and emotionally. He’d say it was all due to the recent tragedy.
I had struggled with depression and all that before, so I understood it was a really big deal. He had his father take his own life, and he was struggling with PTSD he told me he had from ten years in combat..I didn't want to be insensitive to that, because I was the one choosing to be with him. So I was like, who am I not to be long-suffering with this incredible man who I care so much about and who cares about me. So I stood by him.
So back to our texting after the date..Right after I asked if I had done something to anger him, he called.
He completely blindsided me, just like he did on his birthday story I'm trying to get to. I never saw it coming.
He completely blindsided me, just like he did on his birthday story I'm trying to get to. I never saw it coming.
He let me know he had feelings for someone else that he had known for over a decade. And he didn't only let me know that, but he let me know that me being uncomfortable about it, and being sad we hadn't spoken in a week since the date was what was wrong- that I was the problem. That me wanting to talk to him and understand what was wrong, and still be willing to talk it out when he brings up another woman..All I wanted to do was understand, because I was so pathetically devoted to him, I just listened to him talk about having feelings for someone else and I still wanted to hear him out and fight for him because I cared so much..I was just so used to focusing only on what HE needed.
He was so important, that's just how I had become conditioned. It was all about him. But the pain of it never being about me or us was very real, that was a large part of the abuse..Being treated like you're not there. I'd always eventually crack and I would need my needs that were constantly being neglected, addressed. I would pretty much reach out, emotionally scream out to him without screaming, and just be like..please ..just like asking and reaching a hand out for him to help me up, to just show me he cared and to treat me the way he told me he would ..
He was so important, that's just how I had become conditioned. It was all about him. But the pain of it never being about me or us was very real, that was a large part of the abuse..Being treated like you're not there. I'd always eventually crack and I would need my needs that were constantly being neglected, addressed. I would pretty much reach out, emotionally scream out to him without screaming, and just be like..please ..just like asking and reaching a hand out for him to help me up, to just show me he cared and to treat me the way he told me he would ..
When I'd ask for that hand to help me up and to be everything he said he was..to just treat me like he cared.. When I’d request for him to treat me the way I thought I deserved to be treated(with kindness and consideration) I'd be shoved further into the ground by his contempt and entitled attitude.
Instead of responding with kindness and concern fir my pain and needs, he acted like he knew me and that I wasn't worth anything.
When I needed to talk to him, to be heard, to have my existence and value acknowledged.. he'd get angry with me and convince me the problem was that I was crazy and selfish. He’d act like my feelings and needs would bring him down. That I was too much for him. That I wasn't good enough for him.
So after he told me about this woman, but said he wanted to be with me..Then he got mad at me for wanting to talk..I just. I told him that I loved him, and wanted to make things right. He said "Thanks, take care." And didn't talk to me again for six days.
So after he told me about this woman, but said he wanted to be with me..Then he got mad at me for wanting to talk..I just. I told him that I loved him, and wanted to make things right. He said "Thanks, take care." And didn't talk to me again for six days.
That's how he ended us. Suddenly, with another woman, cruelty, and a thanks, take care. It was towards the end of May. It was a real shock. I was in denial. I wouldn't accept that it was an abusive relationship, even after the manner in which he ended it was blatantly verbal, emotional, psychological abuse. There is no way around it. But I just couldn't see it. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to see that that was happening again.
And so after that disaster..by day five my sister had me on dating sites. I was getting cute and just trying to distract myself, and accept he was just a jerk and I had been foolish. I still didn't really understand what happened. I was so lost and hurt, but I still was pulling myself back up the best I could. I was still very, very confused, and it still hurt pretty damn badly.
I still didn't believe our entire relationship was a lie, or that his mistreatment was intentional. I wanted to believe he meant all the good things he said, and that for some reason he didn't REALLY mean the bad things. That he never really meant the bad things completely, he was just having a hard time.
So, he pops back up six days into the breakup, when I am trying so hard to smile again. I cared so much, I loved him, and I had been deeply devoted to him. He was the first man I kissed or even got to know, hold, or anything in over seven years. He was precious to me. I cared so so much and always wanted to help and be there for him, to support him.
So, he pops back up six days into the breakup, when I am trying so hard to smile again. I cared so much, I loved him, and I had been deeply devoted to him. He was the first man I kissed or even got to know, hold, or anything in over seven years. He was precious to me. I cared so so much and always wanted to help and be there for him, to support him.
All of those feelings don't just die… Well, not for someone who actually had them to begin with. So when he came back, that big piece of me that he had kind of..grossly damaged..it temporarily burned a little less, and felt that sick, stupid hope.
My heart that he broke, and my mind that had exhausted itself trying to make sense of everything that didn't line up-the emotional whiplash...
I wanted to believe the good because the bad was so appallingly bad.
So when he did come back, I fell right back in. He was even more convincing then. His 'game' kind of lost it's luster these last few times, but probably because he had made such a big mess it was becoming harder and harder for him to come back and clean it up by that point. But his talking was so smooth and my emotions were so invested. He meant a great deal to me that it didn't take much at all for him to get me right back.
He got me back that day. We met up. He apologized more. I didn't realize at the time what was happening. I didn't know anything about narcissistic abuse perpetrated by narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, etc. I'd never heard about the hoovering and abusive exploitation.
I just didn't think this man who I care for, who I look in the eyes, held, kissed, who I was worried about, and giving so much of myself to.. I couldn't fathom that he would ever do something that terrible to me. Even though he kept doing terrible hurtful things, like ignoring me, calling me names, being accusatory and so cruel. But I couldn't imagine that he could be THAT level of evil towards me because he did know me.
He knew me pretty well, because I let him know me. I was always genuine with him. And I know I'm not perfect, and I obviously have a lot of my own improvement and recovery to do, but I know that I have a really good heart, and that I had good intentions, and I was loving, and funny, and cute, and I had or have a lot to offer..and I just couldn't imagine somebody who was seeing all of that, someone who knows me to the core..would have the heart to push me down in that way, and use me, lie to me, and treat me so badly.
I didn't want it to be true, because it hurt a great deal. So I forgave him, and we got back together. I went right back to being guided by him. I will post the calendar eventually, it is just really embarrassing because it is obvious what was happening now, he was just using me for something so basic and obvious.
We got back together on May 26th. Then he was quiet for the 27th and 28th. Only the 29th he sent me a message. It is on my text page. it is the one about "I've been angry all day , I know that doesn't mean sh*t to you, but-"
It seemed pretty aggressive and odd that he would ever think I didn't care after everything, all I had done was show him how much I truly cared about him, and how much I was not even taking care of my happiness and needs to tend to his..and that I had just been letting him push me further and further down, and further and further away from who I was before him and the demanding, massive sacrifice I(or anyone would) had to make to accept being treated and neglected by him the way I was..because his needs were heavy and all we focused on. But I was willing, like a foolish sacrifice, because I loved him and I only wanted to be good for him.
He had said something on our date before this discard, it kind of haunts me a tiny bit now..he said that he didn't understand why people didn't just leave abusive relationships..that he never understood that at all. When I got a little flustered and told him to read about it and look into it because it isn't that simple he said, "I know a lot about it, actually." He sure did. It is how he will be in any relationship he ever has. He has to be in control and degrade others to feel strong and superior.. probably to feel anything.
Why else would someone be so determined to break anyone they can? To be so sadistic?
Why would you want to live just to destroy everything around you?
That is a really sad existence, to leave behind only a legacy of being the epitome of hatred. I can't imagine he has left anyone who's been close to him with good memories..just damage. I wish I could change it for him, but I can't. Apparently he can't either. If he could hurt someone who would never harm him and who loved him as much as I did (which was A LOT)... I can only imagine the damage he has left behind elsewhere, and will cause in the future. It makes me angry, because he could be so much more, but he never will be because he just doesn't care about anything.
The Text He Sent Me 6 Days Later
