Written: 8/2020
Our Second First Date
On May 13th, 2020, after two months of not seeing each other due to COVID quarantine, we finally had a date planned. He had broken up with me for less than two minutes over something idiotic ( Over my response to the bizarre incident described HERE )
The "Date"
He had me drive to meet him at campus. When I pulled up he was on his phone texting. He never made time to text or call me, but he sure made time to talk to this person throughout our first date/time seeing one another in months. I guess they were more important.
I got out of my car and joined him in his Jeep so we could chat for a bit. I was elated to FINALLY be able to see and touch him. I hadn't been able to be near him for what felt like forever. The first thing he decided to discuss with me was how he had divulged our relationship problems to a 19 year old girl. He claimed she had called him and could tell he was upset.. So when she asked him what was wrong, he told her he was having doubts about his girlfriend.
This was a 39 year old man, less than two months shy of his 40th birthday, being buddy buddy with a girl who had graduated high school less than two years ago..He needed a teenager's romantic advice and insight, but he wouldn't even discuss our relationship with ME, his grown-ass girlfriend? Hmm... (Keep in mind, this 19 year old girl was who he frequently joked about cheating on me with after letting me know how super sexy he thought she was, and bragged about her wanting him, and how they had gone out to eat together, how she gave him rides to and from school, how they studied together, sent each other frequent snaps on Snap Chat..and how she wanted him to go to some event with her family the first night he and I 'got together'..He told me he never responded because he was with me, and that she had gotten sad and said 'I guess not')
He eventually stopped talking about the 19 year old girl from out class, but his phone kept going off. He also continued looking at it instead of me. I asked if everything was ok. That's when he told me it was his friend Rose, and that she was upset. He eventually said she was his ex girlfriend, but they had only really dated back in high school. As he continued to talk about her too much, he said that her husband/partner of the past five years was in the hospital. He told me that her partner was abusive. He claimed to have told her he wished her husband would die while he was in the hospital, which made her really mad..but that he, of course, didn't care.
After he introduced this new girl into our relationship dynamic..we got out of his Jeep and began walking around campus together. Before we had even walked far enough to make it out of the parking lot to get to another part of campus, he immediately brought up conversations he had with his friends about me. He was always sharing stories instead of really 'talking' with me about our relationship, himself, me..on a level that was more substantial..The depth and clear communication required to strengthen our relationship and learn one another better.. You know, like couples are supposed to do..
Anyway, he went on to recreate a few of the talks he claimed to have recently had with friends and said he told a friend how he cared about me a lot, but "I just can't deal with her crazy shit." He said his friend told him "Well, you're no picnic yourself." We both laughed. I responded "I was about to make a joke about compatibility when you called me crazy." (FYI- The 'crazy' he was referring to, was how I reacted to his abusive mistreatment when he left my driveway before I made it outside after seeing was there to pick me for our first date in two months, And then had proceeded to stonewall me for days, and THEN had broken up with me when I was patient, understanding and wanted to discuss what happened and what was wrong...I even offered to go to therapy to discuss and work on MY OVERREACTING. To which he responded "And on that note, I'm going to be single!" Yeah, I was the crazy selfish partner making everything difficult for 'us'...According to him..I was always the problem and instigator. This belief and or behavior of his was PROJECTION, MINIMIZING, GASLIGHTING, ABUSE.)
He smiled at me and we kept walking holding hands. He mentioned how everyone was always telling him how pretty I was when he'd share my picture. He said "Tell me something I don't know, I know she's fucking gorgeous!" He made me feel pretty. Then right after flattering me he joked/ picked on the type of pictures I sent him.. He mentioned how he explained to his friend(s) why he had to zoom in on my face to show them pictures of me.. But he had asked for those types of pictures.
He complained about simple pretty ones of just my face.. He LITERALLY had asked me to stop sending him what he referred to as "G-rated" pictures. He complained about pictures I sent of my face or me dressed up cute, no matter how stunning I looked in them. He even complained that the more revealing ones he requested were often not revealing enough. Impossible man. It made me uncomfortable, but I didn't want to disappoint him. I liked making him happy..but if he wanted to see all of me that badly, he should've spent some time with me.
He then decided to poke fun at how I had joined his classes "like a stalker" for the upcoming semester..even though he told me he had joined a class I was in to be with me.. AND had given me a list of his course ID numbers telling me to join those specific classes to be with him. He said it would be cool if I could get my schedule to match his..And after I agreed to do it, is when he provided his course IDs for the sole purpose of insuring I would select the EXACT same classes he was in! There was no miscommunication. We discussed it on the phone as I did it. I even asked if he was sure and we talked about it for several minutes!
AfterI reminded him of all of that, he still continued to playfully pick on me for it.. He said that he never actually intended for me to match his classes, and that he had only casually mentioned it would be nice..He said he couldn't believe I did that! He laughed lightly at me like I was an idiot who had clumsily misread his signals. He acted like he thought my blunder was cute. Oh silly little crazy, stupid me?
But I had not misunderstood anything.. He had given me the course ID numbers and told me to get into those same classes because he really liked the idea of us seeing each other all day at school..But now on our date, he was acting like he never said all the things that got me to alter my schedule for him in the first place. Point being, he always found a subtle way to make me feel rejected, stupid and insecure. Ok then, moving on-
He began speaking about his ex Rose again as we made our way around to the other side of campus. He talked a lot about her, and how protective he was of her.. He even said her partner was scared of him. He brought up how much it bothered him that she was always with the wrong type of guy..She was supposedly always with abusive jerks. He said he would never get why people don't 'just leave'. "I've never understood that..Can't you just leave?"
I tried to explain why, and got a little triggered because I knew he knew I'd been abused before.. I told him it wasn't that simple and that he should read about the subject, because there are a lot of reasons people stay in abusive relationships. He responded "I know a lot about it, actually."
He then asked me "Why couldn't you just go?" I told him the truth about how badly my ex from a decade ago had messed with my head. I told him I was so broken down and lost that I know longer trusted myself anymore because the confusion had me afraid and stuck. I shared how horrible it was to have my mind messed with like that..I even said I'd rather he had beat the shit out of me than to have done what he did to my mind. And right then, I heard him mutter to himself "That's weak.." I heard it; I pretended I didn't. It caught me off guard and hurt. So, since his comment left me feeling shamed, I quickly added that my ex also said he would kill me..so. Which was true..he had said he would end up killing me.
I also said "Those people know what they're doing. It's not like they're stupid. Most of them are sociopaths." D.B. replied, "Yeah."
Then he changed the subject and began speaking more about his good times and close bond with Rose... He had never mentioned this ex girlfriend before this night, plus him constantly being on his phone, and kind of half-present with me in his Jeep did initially make me feel hurt and uneasy. But right when I was starting to feel extremely rejected and uncomfortable, he shifted gears and started talking about 'us'.
The evening continued as we left campus and walked along the beach barefoot. Well, I took off my shoes at least. He told me about conversations he had with friends and family about me. How his best friend G- had told him that he would end up saying something stupid whenever I tell him "I love you". He said his friend told him he thinks his dumbass will say something like, "Thanks." (Which one week after this very date, was when he abusively discarded me after I said 'I love you' for the first time, and he responded "Thanks, take care! " That was Discard 1.. ) D.B. laughed when he told me about their conversation, then grabbed my hand as we walked along the beach.
He would always tell me about the conversations he had with his closest friends and family members regarding our relationship. He'd tell me how they'd say he'd NEVER spoken about a girl the way he speaks about me before.
Even with all of the subtle jabs and/or insecurity inducing topics that had monopolized the first part of our evening together, he still ended up saying just the right things afterwards to make me feel like what we had was something real, lasting, and significant in his life. He just played it like he was crass and clueless due to the Marines, but that he didn't mean anything 'bad' by how he'd talk harshly or crudely sometimes.
He'd make sure to make me feel important to him..like he was really in it for the long-run and already foreseeing a future together.
As we walked along the beach, he spoke of his water-phobia..He also told me how his dad committing suicide had made him realize how important family wass.. He seemed so sincere as he shared that he wanted a family, and to reprioritize the one he already had.
He gazed into my eyes as and started telling me that he knew we'd make it through anything..that we'd be fine. "It won't be easy, be we're going to make it Erinn."
He would always tell me "We're going to make it" or ask "You know we are going to make, don't you?" He said it frequently enough to where I believed it meant he really wanted us to last, and so I felt that we definitely WOULD make it because I knew I wanted 'us' just as badly as he was claiming to.
As the night progressed, he invited me go to a family reunion a that was still a few months away. He said I'd ride with him. He informed me that he didn't ever make any pit stops on road trips..just like his dad used to do. He joked about me not being allowed to ask to stop. He planned out how it would go. He said his mom wasn't comfortable with unwed couples staying in the same room because she didn't believe in sex before marriage, but that we'd figure that all out when the time came. He mentioned sleeping on the floor or something.
When I told him I had planned on waiting until marriage, but crap happens, he grabbed my hand and squeezed it firmly while giving me his classic warm, sad eye stare.. and an endearing smile. With his beautiful eyes, and his intense eye contact..I always immediately felt at ease when he'd gaze at me..I felt safe and at home. I felt like I was falling in love.
He sunk into the sand a few times too many as we walked along the beach. He got sick of it, so we started heading back towards where we had parked.
On the way back to the car he decided to share a story about his good times with his ex girlfriend Rose, who I had finally stopped feeling insecure about!...
He told me about how when they were teens and had parked exactly where he and I were currently parked, they got caught trying to have sex in a vehicle by a cop. He said the cop made him get out of the car when he was..'excited'.
So, he had me reflecting on him being intimate with another person..but ok..it was a long time ago.. But he spoke of it smiling so big and laughing. He was practically giddy talking about her..
It felt hurtful and off-putting..but he had just said how much I meant to him, and made it abundantly clear that I was who he wanted to be with.. Thus, I ignored my discomfort..
After all, I was used to believing how I felt and thought was wrong and 'crazy'. He had made sure of that by shaming my emotions, and blaming me sharing my thoughts, feelings, and concerns with him for all the chaos in our relationship.
I didn't want to cause problems..
He made me feel me being myself and speaking openly was THE PROBLEM..that my thoughts were damaging and insane. I trusted what he said and what he guided (manipulated) me into believing was the reality of our relationship.
I TRUSTED HIM completely, with everything I am. My entire heart and soul. I trusted he had my best interests at heart.. I believed that he cared about me the way he told me he did and always would.
Back to the date..
We went to his place and hung out in the driveway. We stayed in the Jeep for a bit.. I'd never had quality time in a vehicle before- for good reason..lol. He wouldn't let me go inside to use the restroom..I kind of understood because of COVID..but it felt a bit mean and rather humiliating. I asked for something out of his car and he made a joke about saving it for that 19 yr old girl he always joked about being his side bitch. I rolled me eyes and we laughed. (Once again..this was the same 19 year old girl he had been making me insecure over..and he had at the start of the date said that he had an intimate enough conversation and friendship with to openly discuss he and I's relationship.. A relationship he had told her he was having doubts about..but hey, now he's joking about sleeping with her right after being with me. Cool..)
He smiled at me afterwards and gave me a big, warm hug that lasted for at least a solid minute straight. The way he touched my head and held me was very comforting. My heart felt full. I was a goner.
He walked to the end of his driveway and patted the ground next to him for me to sit. We sat on the ground and spoke for a long time. Actually, he talked to me for an hour or two. He said he wanted to talk to me about something. He ended up sharing a lot of sad stories. I was fine with that. It is good to share and get closer. But I did wish we actually talked about things, instead of him just telling me stories about himself. Don't get me wrong. Him telling stories about himself was never a bother. I loved listening to him talk..
I simply mean, that if every time we talk it is him being angry at me, or him going on and on about stories from his past, or recreating conversations he recently had with OTHER people..it isn't the same as really talking and understanding each other. There were no stories that really showed me who he was. Nothing..very deep or relatable..and I can relate to almost anyone!.. I hope that makes sense.
There can be no true emotional intimacy if the only communication being had is strictly stories, insults, or brief flattery.. I was so lonely for him since he never talked to me, that on this date I felt so happy and satisfied just listening to him..it felt emotionally intimate at that moment..because he was being 'open' .Still...I never got to tell him stories..not really. He'd just say 'yeh.' 'ok.' or stare and change the subject to another of his own stories.
Or..he'd bring up the story I halfway shared later as a joke to make me feel stupid. Hell, he even made jokes about how my ex put me in a closet..THAT IS NOT FUNNY or something to joke about..it is triggering and cruel to joke about how your girlfriend was dehumanized, abused and traumatized. Haha? No..that's not nice at all to make light of.
His stories always had the same theme..he was very strong, honest, wanted, complicated, wounded, and feared..That was always the main point that came across.. All of it together always expressed that image of him.
So, as we sat there, and I was glowing all over, soaking in his company that I had been missing for two months.. He shared what felt like a vulnerability with me about how much it ate away at him inside knowing that he couldn't sleep next to me because his PTSD caused him to become unpredictably violent in his sleep. He told me horrible stories, like how a girl messed with him while he was sleeping and he threw her out the window without knowing what he was doing.
Him sharing so much that he was ashamed of made me feel honored and closer to him, I adored him NO MATTER WHAT. I completely missed the fact that he was not ever asking about me or trying to hear stories about my past, my wants, my struggles, my philosophies and viewpoint..
He was only always kind of teaching me about who he wanted me to think he was through elaborate stories of woe he'd share. He was just feeding me the information he wanted like he was on a mission to represent himself a certain way.. instead of letting me get to know HIM authentically, or for him to get to know the depth of who I am..
As his stories continued, he told me how when the brain cancer had caused him to bleed out of his nose and ears (that's how he ended up being diagnosed. He had said he had surgery five years ago) he passed out and his best friend G-and a girl he was good friends with took care of him.
He said his best friend G- warned the girl to leave him alone while he was sleeping, but she was scared for D.B.'s health and decided to get in bed next to him anyway.
D.B. told me next thing he remembered was waking up on top of her while beating her face in. He said he beat her so badly that she ended up needing reconstructive surgery, and her face still didn't look the quite the same. He started looking like he was going to cry. I wasn't afraid (I should've been). I just wanted him to be alright, and to forgive himself..
He said that's why he can't sleep next to me, especially if he was drinking prior. He told me he was a recovering alcoholic. He said he felt terrible about what he did to his friend, that her father didn't press charges. D.B. told me that no a jury in the world would convict him anyway if he hurt or killed someone on accident, because of he's a veteran with a documented diagnosis of PTSD.
He then started saying how my face was too beautiful to get messed up like that, that he was scared to hurt me.. That he knew I had a small child. He started talking about how we could warn my child in various ways not to wake him, when we ended up getting married. He discussed how stupid he felt about it, but that my child would need to know to NEVER wake him up or touch him while he was sleeping. He had me feeling like he wanted to share with me, and that he had low self-esteem. He sounded ashamed, so all I wanted to do was listen and continue adoring him with all of my heart.
I felt he was worth all the patience, compassion, and difficulties in the world. He was worth everything to me.. And so I never wanted him to feel bad about who he was, because I loved who he was and believed in him.
He started talking about future scenarios he was worried about, as if marriage was an inevitably. It was a lot to take in, but he had seemed serious about me from the start. I trusted him, and the way he presented himself to me as a tortured, but extremely loving man with depth. He seemed like a hopeless romantic anytime we were together in person...
After he opened up about his inability to sleep next to someone, he brought up his daughter. (The secret deceased child.) Which made my heart hurt. He said he only had one picture, but he had destroyed it a while back when he was upset. He said had the negative of the image.
He stated once more, that nobody in his family knew about the child. That she tragically died in an awful car accident when she was eight. An accident D.B. said he was one of the first ones on the scene. It was terribly sad, and I wished I could take that sort of pain away from him.
He claimed he saw what the accident did to her.. And that he was grateful not be fazed by death and gore like everyone else is. He was sad about her death, acted haunted by it at times. It was a heartbreaking thing. But he said seeing her the way he did didn't disturb him like it would a normal person.
He also frequently told me that he lost his child due to karma for all the bad he had done.. All the people he hurt overseas that he felt he shouldn't have. etc etc.
Now I no longer think he ever had a child, but I still care about him.
I'm sad that he felt the need to make up and or exaggerate stories to get attention and manipulate me into caring for and desiring him...because he could've easily gotten all my attention, care and passion without heartbreaking falsehoods and games.. Just like I would've forgiven the lies, if he could've ever shared the truth.
After speaking to me for a good while, he abruptly sad "OK. I'm done talking and he got up." I never got the chance to talk about myself.. He never seemed interested in that at all. Yet, I didn't truly take notice at the time. I was too busy worrying about him, adoring him, and feeling on top of the world because I FINALLY got to see and hold the man I cared deeply about.
After the hellish no-show to the date he planned before, and the mini breakup..and all the tension, sadness, and longing to be near him..I had FINALLY gotten to spend quality time with him.
I was so happy. I was so thankful he had opened up to me and seemed to enjoy my company. I was thrilled he invited me out of town and had been talking to people who he said were important to him about me and 'us'. I felt wanted.
He drove me back to my car at campus, and parked so I could get out. As soon as we parked he started looking down at his phone like he was texting again.
He didn't lean in to kiss me or say bye to me.. He didn't look at me or say anything..
So, several freakishly long and awkward seconds later..I said goodbye to him, and then he told me to text him so he knew I made it home safely.
After I got out the Jeep, I walked to my car then immediately jumped back out and asked him to wait a second. Then, I trotted around to his side of the Jeep, approached his window and leaned in for a goodbye kiss. He started blankly at me and then said, "Oh" before he gave me a very tiny, weak kiss.
I saw him at the red light on my drive home. I was so happy and smiling! Yet, when I looked at him through his window, he was staring straight ahead with a very blank or angry expression on his face.
I knew he didn't see me, but seeing that strange look on his lovely face made me feel confused and extremely uneasy for some reason.
I found the look on his face to be so unsettling that I did not make an attempt to get his attention. My chest tingled, stomach dropped a little, and I just kept driving.
It was a good night to me, because I felt like he wanted us. I believed him. He so frequently said "We're going to get through this" or "We're going to make it, Erinn" that I was CERTAIN we would indeed make it. Him saying he wanted us so passionately made me stay invested and stop fearing wanting the relationship too.
I thought our relationship was progressing, and that things would only get better from here. I was so giddy the next day. I texted him about trying to be productive..to which he responded "Be productive!!" He then didn't talk to me for a week.
He was stonewalling me again after such a long awaited date.. His silence left me feeling unseen and worried that something was wrong with him.
I was so very certain of all that he said he felt and wanted with me, that my worry was not on our relationship at all for the first few days..I figured he had triggered his PTSD by talking about such violent, tragic, and difficult to share stories.
I was in the middle of reading a book I bought about Combat PTSD..So I dove into reading it while he was gone, I knew withdrawing while triggered or after being vulnerable DID happen for some people..and that his father's death and all the COVID stress was still relatively fresh.. Thus, I had no problem being patient. I was just very worried about him, and lonesome.
But after a few days, I felt increasingly unimportant and hurt.
I didn't understand why he couldn't take the time to say a single thing to me. It really hurt..I struggled to sleep, focus, or relax.
I was stressed, panicked and ashamed of myself for feeling the way I felt. I was angry with myself for my own feelings, because I thought it was selfish of me to focus on how I was hurting when I knew he was hurting so much worse. I felt like a bad person.
I wanted to put him first..and so I did.
Plus, anytime I did express my needs or pain to him in the past, it got me in big trouble and worsened the pain I was in. I suppose, I had learned helplessness. I had given up on trying to get what I needed for myself, just as I did years ago.
I was too busy trying to give enough, and in the right way to not offend, hurt or lose him.. HE BROKE UP WITH ME AFTER STONEWALLING ME FOR A WEEK FOLLOWING THIS DATE. ..We had this wonderful date(in my mind). I thought all was well again, and then he cut off communication for a week and broke my heart when I asked him to call me. That Discard is available at the bottom of this page.
I didn't realize what was happening at the time. I can only really see it now..
It hurts. I still cry some nights. But, I will be ok. I just..I wish I would've known that I was nothing to him. I wish I would've known he didn't see me, or appreciate all I gave because I sincerely cared about him and his wellbeing.
I was played and crushed like I was some silly little thing, when all I did was love, worry, and offer all I had to benefit someone else..to benefit him..But he never cared at all about how horribly he was damaging and neglecting me. That, really hurts..still.
I loved him..I was good to him. I would have never ever intentionally caused him pain..I hate the idea of him hurting, but he either doesn't care about my pain or enjoys causing it..depending on his mood. His complete inconsideration and sadistic mistreatment broke my spirit. It truly did. It made me want to die when I discovered he never cared..not even a little bit.
I believed him when he said we were going to make it, that he wanted us to end up married and have babies.
I believed him when he said he was only distant because he was struggling. I trusted him.
I loved with all I am, because that is how I love..I don't hold back..because if I love you I want you to have the best of everything..including the entirety of my heart instead of a mere portion of it. I cared..I care.
Oh well, I'll be ok. It's alright. I just wish that doing so would make it hurt less. I realize how stupid I was now, but why would I expect the man I was falling so hard for to lie about such extreme things?
In person, I swear that he could tell you the sky was neon orange, and you'd believe him wholeheartedly while looking straight up towards the blue.
Why would I think he was just THAT good at lying..or that he had the heart to hurt me that way. The eye contact he made, his body language.. I never had a doubt in the world about his sincerity.
I cared about everything he said he had been through, had lost..I still care even if some of it isn't true, because I care about how he is. I am learning that likely none of his heartbreaking stories were real, I can't wrap my mind or heart around that at all. If all he said he felt for me and wanted together was false as well..(which it certainly seems like it was a massive con)..then I feel used, taken advantage of..
I feel disgusting..
I kept to myself emotionally and physically for nearly a decade..and then got tricked into bed by a man I only knew because I checked on him when he seemed to be suffering?
He knowingly exploited and harmed me, when he knew I only ever wanted him to be alright? ..It makes be feel like I am literally going to vomit. And for some reason, it makes me angry and disgusted with myself, not him.
I feel dirty, and not in a playful, perverted joking way..I feel defiled and like I can't get the stain of it off of me.. I feel like I am disgusting. And given my past he knew about with other sexual experiences.. I feel shocked, heartbroken, stupid and abandoned on top of all of that..
Sometimes it gets overwhelming and makes me want to quit, but I won't..I will be ok, even though he doesn't want me to be. I'll recover, in time.
Even the 'letters' I wrote to express how much I cared for him sounded apologetic. I was always making sure the letters and text messages started out with me stating my non-hostile intentions, not that it did any good. It was my preemptive defense for his usual attack(harsh negative assumptions and accusations of blaming, "picking at him," "unloading on him," & "trying to manipulate him with my dramatic bullshit")
I should have trusted all of my fears and discomfort, but at that point I no longer trusted my own thoughts and didn't want to hurt or be exhausted anymore. I'd end up apologizing and believing I had accidentally wronged him.
I knew it had to be all my fault, and that I must have done something that caused him to lash out.
I learned to agree with his negative opinion of me and my thoughts, that I provoked him, that something was terribly wrong with who I was...that I was a burden to him.
I was constantly trying to appease him, support him, and cause NO HARM.
He'd apologize days after each blow up, and then the pattern would repeat itself..I didn't know what to do. All I wanted to do was love him and be alright again.