Reactive Abuse
Sections:
- Your Anger
- Reactive Abuse
- The Smear Campaign
- Bait & Switch
- Manipulation Tactics
- Blame-shifting
Your Anger
YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn't rise and your blood shouldn't boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone.
When your anger does jump out of you-as will happen to any abused woman from time to time-he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are.
Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy."
— Lundy Bancroft
Reactive Abuse
WHAT IS REACTIVE ABUSE?
EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW
Reactive abuse is one of the most common tactics abusers use is to shift blame for the abuse onto the victim. The abuser will claim the victim is the abuser because of the reaction the victim has.
The abuser may even attempt to convince the victim that there is nothing worth reacting over and that the victim is overreacting to the abuse. What the victim is actually experiencing is called reactive abuse.
Definition
Instances of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse are extremely stressful and traumatic for victims. Reactive abuse occurs when the victim reacts to the abuse they are experiencing.
Reactive abuse is one of the most common tactics abusers use is to shift blame for the abuse onto the victim. The abuser will claim the victim is the abuser because of the reaction the victim has.
During an act of abusive violence, it is common for an abused person to lash out toward their abuser. They may scream, cry, toss out insults, or even lash out physically at the abuser. The abuser then retaliates by telling the victim that they are, in fact, the abuser.
Reactive abuse vs. mutual abuse
Mutual abuse is when both partners are equally abusive to one another. Many survivors often ask themselves if they are abusive too because of how they react, but the truth is that mutual abuse is very rare and many experts don't believe it exists. The power and control dynamics involved in domestic violence would make it nearly impossible for both partners to be abusive.
The key word here is "react." That's the difference between reactive abuse and mutual abuse. Victims and survivors react to the abuse doled out by the abuser.
Within the realm of domestic violence, there is always one who initiates or instigates the problems in the relationship. It comes back to that one person needing power and control over their victim. That's what abuse is - the imbalance of power.
The abuser, however, would like us to believe otherwise and say, "Well, we were abusive to each other. It's mutual abuse." It's because the abusers will never accept responsibility for their actions and instead shift blame for the abuse onto us.
Why Do Assailants Utilize Reactive Abuse?
Abusers rely on reactive abuse because it gives them "proof" that the victim is unstable, mentally ill, or delusional. Abusers may hold these reactions against an abused person indefinitely, possibly bringing up specific instances of self defense years after the event occurred. It could be years later and the abuser will say, "Well, back when you had this reaction and acted all crazy. You're the crazy one! You need help."
A reaction to abuse might even be used by an assailant to go to police and file their own protective orders against a victim.
It is a method of manipulation that attempts to make an abused person feel responsible for acts of violence. The longer this shifting of blame occurs, the longer a victim may experience feelings of shame, guilt, or blame for reactive outbursts to continued abuse.
Also, this tactic forces a victim of violence to focus on their own response to the event rather than the event itself. This can give an oppressor the ability to continue their abuse without repercussion.
What Causes an Abused Person to Have Reactive Outbursts?
Having a physical, verbal, or expressive outburst during an abusive event is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a natural defense mechanism that the body deploys against danger.
When confronted with danger, the body innately releases a number of stress hormones to enhance its ability to react to a threatening situation. This is called the stress response, also known as the fight or flight response.
In circumstances where safety is threatened, the body prepares itself to flee the given situation or fight back against the stressor. This can result in screaming, punching, or kicking an individual who is being abusive.
These actions are often automatic, so it can be hard to gain control of responses to abusive situations. Regardless, abusers may utilize these unconscious behaviors to gain power over an abused person.
To manipulate is to unfairly influence a situation. When an abuser claims they are the ones being abused, they are manipulating us into believing we are at fault for the abuse. The abusers are conditioning and manipulating us to accept the blame.
The longer this blame shifting goes on, the longer we will believe we are to blame for the reactive outbursts and abuse that the abuser is dishing out. We will begin to believe we are the violent and unstable ones.
This manipulation can even go so far as to cause us to feel shame. When we react, it causes the abuser to claim we are the abusive ones. But these reactions also add a second element to the mix - they cause us to feel bad about ourselves to the point of guilt and shame.
We act against what we know to be true about ourselves - that we are good, kind, capable, loving people. But that goes out the window when we experience the guilt and shame more and more. The guilt and shame that the abusers continue to condition us to feel.
What Causes Someone to Reactively Abuse?
Abuse is abuse no matter what. In some circumstances, the tendency for an abuser to shift blame towards the victim might be a byproduct of a mental disorder.
Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic personality disorder is one of many types of personality disorders that may affect an individual's outward portrayal of themselves.
Narcissism is a mental condition that is signified by an inflated sense of self-importance, deep need for attention, and lack of empathy for those around them.
Narcissists typically have difficulty engaging and maintaining healthy relationships. They often refuse to take responsibility for their actions, attempting to put the blame on those around them.
A person with a narcissistic personality may be at a higher predisposition for engaging in abusive behavior. Likewise, they may be more likely to try to act like they are not responsible for the abuse.
When a victim reacts accordingly to a given situation, narcissists may try to manipulate the situation to work in their favor.
Antisocial Personality Disorder
An abuser with antisocial personality disorder may be more inclined to use reactive abuse against others.
Someone with antisocial personality may be deceitful and intimidating in relationships, often feeling no remorse for hurtful deeds or actions.
This leads to a tendency for antisocial individuals to exploit and manipulate those around them.
They are often good at acting and lying, which can give them an upper hand in circumstances where reactive abuse may be used against victims, especially in police reports.
Effects of Reactive Abuse
The psychological toll that reactive assault can have on a victim is immense, and it can cause many people to become stuck in a cyclical, unsafe relationship with abusive individuals.
Those who may have had reactive outbursts in a dangerous relationship may be prone to trauma bonds. This occurs when an abused partner becomes emotionally attached to the abuser. These bonds may form after months or years of repeated assault, but they may also occur after just one instance.
Patterns of abuse followed by periods of remorse can lead to a trauma bond because this remorse can give false hope that the abuser will change their ways. Not to mention, if an abused person is made to think that they are actually the abuser, they may feel a responsibility to remain in the relationship in order to correct their mistakes.
Those who have experienced reactive abuse may also sustain large amounts of stress, anxiety, or depressive symptoms based on the severity and length of the assault. Additionally, instances of traumatic abuse may lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Preventing Reactive Abuse
If you see yourself reacting to abusive scenarios with verbal outbursts or physical defenses, this may allow room for an abuser to manipulate the situation against you. Before this happens, there are a few things you can try instead.
Firstly, if you start to notice that a given individual makes you react in these expressive manners, this is a red flag that something is wrong with the relationship. If you safely can do so, try to physically and emotionally remove yourself from the abusive person.
Abusers rely on negative reactions from others in order to gain an upper hand. But when you start thinking about how you respond back, you can reclaim power. This can be challenging, as it will require careful consideration of thoughts and behaviors. As hard as it may be, try to keep a calm and collected presence so that the abuser will have difficulty manipulating the situation.
If an abuser does try to use reactive outbursts against you, recognize that you are not at fault. Proving that you see right through an abuser's manipulative tactics can make them realize they have little control over your feelings.
If continual or isolated instances of abuse are causing you to fear for your physical or emotional wellbeing, contact a domestic violence hotline to safely seek assistance on how to exit your given situation. Ensure that you are in a safe place to talk. You can also use these hotlines if you have concerns about a loved one who may be stuck in an abusive relationship.
When you see yourself reacting in this manner, many times you begin to say to yourself, "Whoa, this isn't me. This isn't how I am normally." When you begin to ask yourself those questions, you know something is not right with the relationship. I know I thought those things before - that I knew how I was reacting wasn't me. It wasn't who I was. That's what the abuser wants - to make you question yourself, your character, and your integrity. But many times, by the time we get to the point of asking ourselves those questions, we are either too scared to leave the abuser or we just don't have the means to do so.
So what can we do instead?
The abusers bank on us reacting negatively to their tactics. When we begin to truly think about how we respond to them, we are taking back our power. We begin to respond and not react. To react is almost like an automatic thing - it's the fight or flight response. But responding involves a thought process that requires us to really consider our thoughts and actions.
In Summary
When confronted with an abusive scenario, it is normal to physically fight back, use verbal expressions, or emotionally react in intense manners. This is called reactive abuse, and it is a powerful tool that a manipulative abuser may use against an abused person.
Assailants may use reactive abuse to "gaslight" an abused person into thinking they are actually the abusers. This can cause immense feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, and stress.
Reactive outbursts are often innate stress responses that are uncontrollable. Abusers may be more inclined to use these outbursts against an individual if they have a personality disorder, like narcissism or antisocial personality. With that said, there is no excuse for abusive behavior.
Reactive abuse can be prevented or managed by trying to consciously think about responses to abusive behavior. This can be difficult, but domestic violence hotlines are a valuable tool if you are safely able to contact them.
Abuse can cause inundating inner turmoil, often leading to depression, anxiety, or PTSD. You are not alone in your feelings.
Sources: https://yanahelps.com/blog/what-is-reactive-abuse/https://breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/
What Is a Smear Campaign?
A smear campaign is a tool narcissists use to villainize their victim. Through lies and deception, narcissists gain the support of potential accomplices.
This can happen in a toxic work environment, between family friends, or even within a family. Once the campaign is over, the narcissist is left with an army of accomplices.
Even worse, the victim cannot get any help. When they try to explain to others what's happened, people often brush it off as a typical relationship conflict or "perspective."
The victim has lost their support system while the narcissist has acquired accomplices to traumatize them. All of this can result in a severe disadvantage for the victim in family court systems, child custody evaluations, or with other authorities.
Why Do Narcissists Need Them To Survive?
Narcissists by themselves are very incapable individuals. They always need to leech off of other people.
What makes a narcissist very dangerous is the fact that they bring people onto their side, even though it's all a lie.
With people on their side (some who don't even know they are part of an intricate system of alienation), the narcissist can exploit and terrorize the victim.
And when the narcissist needs help with anything (that could mean money, housing, or emotional support), they have a group of people that they can leech off of. So in short, narcissists need smear campaigns, or else they would lose their power very quickly(and we know narcissists are desperate for control).
Why Do They Work?
Simply put, smear campaigns work because the narcissist is extremely convincing, and people aren't aware enough of narcissism to realize this.
We tend to trust people when they confide in us. Narcissists exploit this humanity. They'll manipulate your empathy to get you against the victim, and they'll come from the perspective of "helping" the victim.
When a smear campaign is in full swing, many people will fail to fact-check, giving narcissists a golden opportunity to gain accomplices.
A campaign at this level can have long-lasting impacts. Invalidation is one of the biggest difficulties when it comes to breaking the cycle of abuse.
Without more awareness of smear campaigns, victims will continue to be invalidated, oftentimes by their own friends and family in addition to society as a whole.
Demystifying The 3 Key Components
There are three key components of a smear campaign:
- Projections
- The Great Savior
- Playing Victim
The narcissist cycles between these to muddy truth and get accomplices or supporters.
1) Projections
According to Narcissist Abuse Support, narcissists have an uncanny ability to pathologically lie. In the case of a smear campaign, they use this to project their own dysfunctionalities onto the victim.
This means the narcissist is projecting the exact opposite of reality.
Unfortunately, this kind of twisted deception is often received well because the narcissist tries to resonate the story with others. If a family friend has an abusive spouse, the narcissist will pretend to be in the same boat.
The narcissist seems to have unlimited energy for their toxic behaviors though they make no investment towards productive aspects of life.
By exploiting human connections and lying to no end, narcissists are effectively able to project their problems onto the victim, leaving outsiders with the exact opposite image of the truth.
2) The Great Savior
Once the narcissist has convinced others that the victim is the source of all the problems in the relationship, they take it one step further.
The narcissist portrays themselves as a hero doing everything they can to save the relationship and help the victim through therapy, medicine, or some other means of control (of course, the victim is not the one who needs help).
When the victim (understandably so) rejects these "calls for help," the narcissist will use this as evidence to convince others the victim is uncooperative and unwilling to change.
Through an unbelievable degree of ruthless lying, the narcissist will present themselves as a solution to the victim's (nonexistent) problem. They pretend to be a savior to gain accomplices and isolate the victim.
3) Playing Victim
To add a final layer of deception, the narcissist will pretend to be victim. This leaves the true victim crushed.
The narcissist, already having credibility from the first two components of the smear campaign, can lie (almost without restriction) and paint any picture of the victim they want.
When the victim gets angry (understandably so), they will fit the bill of the typical abusive partner that the narcissist portrayed. The victim is stuck.
By playing victim, the narcissist can paint whatever picture they want of the true victim, and people will believe it. This component of the smear campaign leaves the victim utterly devastated.
Putting It All Together
The combination of projections, playing savior, and playing victim lead to an unfathomable level of alienation against the victim. The narcissist uses their accomplices to push the victim in the corner.
Once the victim is isolated, the narcissist can become more blatant and overt as nobody is there to stand up for the victim or stop the narcissist.
By playing all three parts, the narcissist leaves the victim with no outlet.
The victim:
- Can't say the narcissist is the source of problems in the relationship, as the narcissist already projected those problems onto the victim.
- Can't say they are the ones trying to keep the relationship intact, as the narcissist already convinced others they are doing everything they can to save it.
- Can't even say they are the victim, as the narcissist has convinced everyone (friends, family, and even aspects of the family court system) that the victim is abusive.
Source: https://www.narcissistexposed.com/narcissist-smear-campaign/
The Narcissist's Smear Campaign
Among the things most experts agree on is that narcissists never go quietly into the night; they do not simply disappear from view but instead practice the scorched-earth policy, leaving nothing but the burned wreckage of relationships and, sometimes, reputations.
Winning is all for the narcissist, as is never taking responsibility when things go south; while they are always the heroic protagonists when things go right, they loudly declare their victimhood-no matter how unlikely-when things go wrong or have the potential to embarrass them.
The smear campaign is born out of a combination of factors, including the need to be right and have his or her "truth" become the prevailing script, retaining status and standing (making sure that his or her inner hidden shame doesn't become public), and maintaining control of his or her image. The woman or man high in narcissistic traits curates her or his public persona very carefully; appearing successful, accomplished, and together is all-important.
Understanding the narcissist's need for control
Yes, we all feel better when we're in control of a situation and can manage our feelings, as opposed to being tossed about by random waves or being beset by someone else's aggression, but I've come to understand through firsthand experience as well as research and interviews that it's really quite different for the person high in narcissistic traits.
Getting through a smear campaign in pretty much one piece
Your strategies are obviously going to vary depending on your relationship to the narcissist in question; it's one thing to be dealing with an ex-spouse with whom you will have to have continued contact because you have children, another when you're dealing with a friend or lover, and quite another when you are an adult child dealing with a parent. That said, this is going to be hard and painful, especially since it will confirm every worst thought you've ever tried to quell about the person, and it's likely to damage your trust in humans generally in the short term.
1. Don't engage.
If the Vindictive Narcissist feels you have engaged in battle, they will escalate the violence of their attack in order to win. Take the high ground and stick to the truth; don't speak ill of your enemy unless you have to."
2. Focus on what you can deal with, and not what you can't.
3. Be prepared for the narcissist to claim the victim's role.
The narcissist is likely telling this tale to absolutely anyone who will listen and, more disturbingly, believe it, as Burgo points out.
4. Look forward, not back.
5. Seek support, because there's no gold star for going it alone.
As Shakespeare wrote, eventually, the truth will out.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201906/dealing-the-narcissists-smear-campaign
5 Ways Narcissists Smear Others
Being the victim of a narcissistic smear attack is not fun. Rather, it is an intense campaign designed to humiliate an opponent while simultaneously elevating the narcissist. It requires quite a bit of skill, manipulation, and persistence to successfully pull one off. But for the victim, it can be a shocking and damaging experience.
Remember, a narcissists greatest fear is to be embarrassed by having their insecurities exposed. Therefore, they will use whatever tactics are necessary to preserve their superior self-image.
For explanation purposes, the pending divorce situation will be utilized to further clarify smear attacks. Understanding how a narcissist smears others is essential in preventing the attack from further damage.
With Friends.
During a night out with friends, the narcissist makes passive-aggressive comments about their spouse. This is done to see which friends might be sympathetic towards the narcissist. Then the spousal remarks escalate to sarcastic, demeaning, and even humiliating observations. The spouse usually reacts either by shrinking away from the friends or lashing out verbally towards the narcissist. Either way, the narcissist has won their point as the spouse has only affirmed the derogatory statements further isolating the spouse from their friends.
With Family.
One of the goals of a narcissist is to quarantine their spouse from the support of family especially when the said family doesn't like the narcissist. They begin this by smearing the spouses family to spouse claiming that they are dysfunctional and have a secret agenda to not see them happy. Then they charm the family and claim the spouse is dysfunctional while seeking out incriminating background information to be used against the spouse later. This pits the spouse against their family and vice versa adding to the segregation.
At Work.
When a spouse works, the narcissist views their employment as a threat to their authority and influence. Therefore, they are constantly looking for ways to tear down their spouses workplace as well as the spouses ability to work well. Any and all injustice that the spouse reveals is highlighted and retold in an exaggerated manner. The narcissist makes comments about work taking advantage of the spouse and is quick to point out narcissism in the spouses boss or other employees. This is done to create a hostile environment for the spouse at work. Sometimes, the narcissist will even contact employers/employees of the spouse under the guise of helping but it only stirs up trouble for the spouse.
With Neighbors.
The charming ability of most narcissists is remarkable as they easily transform from an angry spouse inside the house to perfect neighbor outside. This flawless performance is the ideal groundwork to emphasize their spouses overreactions.
They will claim their spouse is crazy by citing some visible tantrums while minimizing their contribution. Then they will even instigate their spouse to anger, draw them outside of the house, and place the whole episode on display for the neighbors. Any and all efforts made by the spouse to explain their behavior come off defensive and subsequently deceitful.
At Court.
A favorite smear tactic of narcissists is the abuse of the court system. There are excessive lawsuits with little to no grounds designed to intimidate and scare their spouse into submission. During a divorce proceeding, it is customary for them to bury their spouse in unnecessary and irrelevant paperwork, constant resetting of demands, and going back on agreements made during mediation. If there has been a medical or mental diagnosis, the narcissist will exploit that for their own purposes as well with no regard for the privacy of their spouse.
Knowing how a narcissist does a smear campaign is essential to discovering how to counterattack one. The next step is anticipating the slights beforehand and then avoiding the obvious traps of overreaction, anger, embarrassment or fear. Once the narcissist knows their attacks have no effect, they retreat.
Source: https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2017/03/5-ways-narcissists-smear-others#3
Bait & Switch
The narcissist's disordered personality does not allow for open discussion, honest sharing, or the normal give and take of healthy relationships.
Insecurity
When the narcissist is performing the disappearance act, the instability of their mood, the unreliability of their presence left you feeling alone and insecure. These feelings can connect you to another time in your life where you felt alone and insecure, amplifying your anxiety.
When you mention your feelings or the impact of the narcissist's departure, you are shut down. You're called names, told you are insecure for no reason (as if you suddenly started acting insecure in reaction to nothing) and then they let you know what a bother your feelings are; which further increases your sense of insecurity.
Even though they blame and shame you, this isn't an internal insecurity, it is insecurity about the reliability of this relationship and the narcissist.
Intimidated
When narcissists ask for your opinion, they do it to engage in battle rather than engage in conversation, they can be downright intimidating.
They coax you into the water, only to find that you're having your toe bit off by a piranha. You start to realize that the narcissist doesn't ask for your opinion to really HEAR it, they elicit any kind of input from you to do two things: CONTROL AND BELITTLE YOU.
This reaction serves to teach you that in the future - your input will not be valued nor required. Just sit there and look pretty. I often told the narcissist that abused me that he treated me like a vase on a shelf. Pretty to look at, well placed and permanently available to him to pick off the shelf whenever he needed something from me. I was not to have a life outside of being that vase that couldn't move.
Resentment
When the narcissist goes back and forth between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, your anger and resentment go through the roof!
How dare he treat you like a subservient object, then waltz back in as if nothing happened, simply because he needs some feel good from you. It's exasperating.
Their pure selfishness and inability to see things from your point of view, is AGGRAVATING! It's important to get resolve when you've had a misunderstanding with a person.
You want them to hear your side of things and understand your needs, so that in the future, this hurt can be avoided. With a narcissist, it falls on deaf ears, because their ONLY reason for wanting a disagreement to be over, is so their IV drip of honey from your arm, is uninterrupted.
Provocation
How does the narcissist manage to turn on the superficial charm again and again while abusing you simultaneously? And why do we fall for it time and time again?
It’s not because we're foolish, it's because we want to be loved, it feels good to be cared for, to have the love we feel for the narcissist returned to us, its nice to have moments of kindness even if they're short lived.
To suddenly have the narcissist turn on us while we're least expecting it, is a truly unfair and cruel provocation.
Powerlessness
The Devil's advocate tactic is a way of elevating their unique and special form of knowledge on whatever topic they're pontificating about. You feel like you're in a no win situation. If you don't concede, they'll keep you up proving their point.
You just want the madness to stop, so you acquiesce. It just seems easier. Your feelings can resonate back to those of a child, how powerless children are to have any say in matters of importance.
If you learned to subjugate your voice to a narcissistic person in your past, you'll surely do it again in the presence of this narcissist's sheer will to be in control of EVERYTHING; even your opinions.