The Cycle
Sections:
- Three Stages of a Narcissistic Relationship
- Toxic Shadow of Emotional Abuse
- A Narcissist’s Cycle
Three Stages of a Narcissistic Relationship
Idealize
When someone is in a relationship with a narcissist, they usually describe the start of the relationship as "otherworldly." They make their partners feel like it's the best relationship they've ever had and it's going to last forever, but it usually lasts only for a short while.
Narcissistic abuse begins with the person making their partner believe that they're the soulmates they've been waiting for. This gives rise to "love bombing," a phrase which describes the first stage where they shower their partners with praises, courting, and promises that makes them feel special..but it soon changes.
Devalue
As soon as the relationship gets comfortable, red signs start flashing. The narcissist becomes aggressively disconnected with the same person they first made feel special. They start devaluing their partners with small remarks, gaslighting, reduced emotional and physical intimacy, or blaming their partners for their own mistakes.
Discard
Once they're happy with the ego boost that their partners provided them with, they leave them. The compromise, honesty, empathy, and boundaries asked by the partners are completely ignored by the narcissist.
They make themselves believe that their partners who till now had been "perfect" are no longer qualified enough to be with them. They usually abandon their partners, leaving them to feel worse about themselves than they ever could have on their own.
Toxic Shadow of Emotional Abuse
Barrage of Love
It all started with love bombing, mirroring and flattery, leaving no space for me to see chaos and red flags.
The relationship was possessive and obsessive, filled with poetic language, movie-esque intoxicating love and grand gestures. It was intense and short lived.
Subtle Shifts
Followed by subtle shifts through inconsistent communication, the giving and taking away of their availability and affection.
Danger was implicit and always there. I was to be made aware of a sense of fragility in the relationship, the growing cracks that I needed to tread delicately on due to risk of it ending if I didn't stay in line.
The Unraveling
Everything started to reverse, at a fast pace. The unpicking of the love and flattery they gave at the beginning was deeply unsettling and confusing, and took with it my self-esteem...and at this point I was weak and so under their control that I was living off the illusion that was created at the start.
Nothing Left
It was a black hole that sucked me in, soaked up my goodness and spat out when there was no longer any use in me. It felt dark, toxic, and damaging - because it was.
At the end I was vulnerable and my mental health had spiraled. My family and friends were left confused as to where the bubbly and happy person they knew had gone, and how this happened in such a short amount of time.
This is because I'd just had one of the most confusing experiences involving emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and abuse such as:
Telling lies or exaggerating.
Denying they said things that you both know they did
Their actions not matching their words
Putting you down and then praising you
Eliciting insecurity and anxiety when you bring up their conflicting actions
Convincing you it is your mental health causing confusion after directly causing it with their actions
It all culminating in a co-dependent relationship caused by the fear and vulnerability that the abuser created.
Source: mentalhealth.org.uk/blog/toxic-shadow-emotional-abuse
A Narcissist’s Cycle
Narcissism changes the back end of the cycle because the narcissist is continuously self-centered and unwilling to admit fault.
Their need to be superior, right, or in charge limits the possibility of any real reconciliation. Instead, it is frequently the abused who desperately tries for appeasement while the narcissist plays the victim.
This switchback tactic emboldens the narcissist behavior, even more, further convincing them of their faultlessness. Any threat to their authority repeats the cycle.
Their Cycle:
- Feels Threatened
An upsetting event occurs and the narcissist feels threatened. It could be the rejection of sex, disapproval at work, embarrassment in a social setting, jealousy of others success, or feelings of abandonment, neglect, or disrespect.
The abused, aware of the potential threat, becomes nervous. They know something is about to happen and begin to walk on eggshells around the narcissist.
Most narcissists repeatedly get upset over the same underlying issues whether the issue is real or imagined. They also tend to obsess over the threat over and over.
- Abuses Others
The narcissist engages in some sort of abusive behavior. The abuse can be physical, mental, verbal, sexual, financial, spiritual or emotional.
The abuse is customized to intimidate the abused in an area of weakness especially if that area is one of strength for the narcissist. The abuse can last for a few short minutes or as long as several hours. Sometimes a combination of two types of abuse is used.
For instance, a narcissist may begin with verbal belittling to wear out the abused. Followed by a projection of their lying about an event onto the abused.
Finally tired of the assault, the abused defensively fights back.
- Becomes the Victim
This is when the switchback occurs.
The narcissist uses the abused behavior as further evidence that they are the ones being abused.
The narcissist believes their twisted victimization by bringing up past defensive behaviors that the abused has done as if the abused initiated the abuse.
Because the abused has feelings of remorse and guilt, they accept this warped perception and try to rescue the narcissist.
This might include giving into what the narcissist wants, accepting unnecessary responsibility, placating the narcissist to keep the peace, and agreeing to the narcissistic lies.
- Feels Empowered
Once the abused have given in or up, the narcissist feels empowered. This is all the justification the narcissist needs to demonstrate their rightness or superiority.
The abused has unknowingly fed the narcissistic ego and only to make it stronger and bolder than before.
But every narcissist has an Achilles heel and the power they feel now will only last till the next threat to their ego appears.
Once the narcissistic cycle of abuse is understood, the abused can escape the cycle at any point. Begin by coming up with strategies for future confrontations, know the limitations of the abused, and have an escape plan in place. This cycle does not need to continue forward.