Recorded Calls from Hoover 3
All 63 audio recordings below are from 9/30 & 10/2/2020
I circled dates on the images above to show the rapid pace in which his attitude towards me changed drastically.
I regret that I was too weak to stayNO CONTACT
I saw this coming. I tried not to give in and start believing him-, I just wanted to hear him out and record our phone calls like I was advised to with this type of relationship(due to the gaslighting) But after our three hour and five hour telephone conversations, I was pulled right back into his world again. It freaked me out. I had gotten too cocky! I thought since I could see through some of his stories and knew the abusive patterns, that I could no longer be swayed or harmed by him anymore. I was terribly mistaken.I didn’t want to feel false hope again, I didn’t think I would..but I started to have hope anyway. I was attached to him, bonded with him, only months ago he had me believing we were going to be together forever. Only a few months ago I had no idea what was truly going on and felt hopelessly in love with this man. I should have been able stay away. But..for some reason, I just couldn’t! I now understand the NO CONTACT rule. (Discussed here)My mistake. I’ve learned from it this time around. It’s finally sinking in. I truly was clueless to what he was up to. But in all fairness, what he was up to isn’t something anyone should have to suspect in the first place! Oh well. I’d rather be duped than intentionally mistreat and use someone any day. Intentionally hurting people within any context beyond self-defense is wrong, having an earnest heart isn’t.
Frustration
His behavior just showed me, he can be truly hateful and has no problem trying to destroy others to either simply be cruel or in order to comfort and or amuse himself. Once again, someone else wronged HIM, someone else wasn't good enough for HIM. Ok then. Hey D.B. , I was giving a self-admitted abuser who said they knew they had put me through hell another chance(for the 4th time), but you're going to throw shade at me when you know I love you and was trying. No shame. Your hateful words and actions were unacceptable. I forgive you for them, but I know that means nothing to you, and that's forgiven too. You'll just convince yourself I'm beneath you so you can deflect responsibility, guilt, or shame.. Or, just to be mean because you’re sadistic. I hope your heart changes. I hate how you have behaved badly, but I don't hate you, and I won't.
I can't just turn off love like you do. I don't want you to be miserable, but I also definitely don’t want you.
Take the lie you told me about seeing a doctor, and actually go to one. Anyone with PTSD, addiction, history of abuse and/or being an abuser, etc etc. can use assistance. You called me crazy because I am diagnosed with clinical depression & cPTSD and seek regular treatment(as a responsible, sane adult should)alrighty. Now I'll just be referenced like every.single.one of your exes. You described them all to me as crazy manipulative b*tches who wouldn't leave you alone. That's ugly, but nothing I was shocked to hear from you..considering all the other hateful things your verbal abuse consisted of over these past several months.
Other people who are involved with you long enough will eventually catch on to the fact that where there's smoke, there's fire. You do realize your last text to me was simply additional emotional abuse, right?? You don't care do you? You can always justify it to yourself- 'She deserved it.' I know you'll refuse professional treatment, but I wish you wouldn't, for your own sake. You deserve to live better. I hope one day you will. I have better things to do than to continue hurting over someone who just proved they never meant or could stand by a word they said-more so now than ever before. So I will keep recovering and healing until the hurt has faded away.
Part of me knew that if I kept needing him to be reliable, needing him to support or help me, if I lost grip from the shock and recent trauma. .if I did any of that I knew he'd show me his character. Sadly, I did start to believe and hope I was wrong. I pushed and pushed my needs because I knew if he wasn't being genuine, me holding him accountable and expecting him to stand by his word would set him off and show me what was really there..
I tested to see if he'd repeat what happened the time before when he crushed me so badly two months ago-a time in which I was having a full breakdown due to the abuse and actually needed him(the time in which many of my writings on this website were written.)I needed to see if he would just do the same thing again, and that in doing so it would show me that nothing changed. I was trying to protect myself. Sadly, my heart still felt and hoped he'd be there for me..that my fears could settle down. My heart hoped others were wrong, that my mind was wrong. Thankfully, he gave me something to see the real him a little better in the end. The end that just occurred moments before typing this out.
Nobody that ever loved you could say the things he said after all the abusive behavior and pain he had put me through already. He showed me the truth. It wasn't him or his claims of love and change. Now the hope is in having something so much better than a cruel and dishonest partner. I saw him in person only a few evenings before writing this, and my mind was still fighting but my heart felt he meant what he was saying to me. My heart felt certain that he was a good person, struggling but sincere.
Now I know there is nothing to miss and cry over, even if sometimes I still do.__He snapped. He gave me clarity. I'm happy, sad, and I feel a little more free. It's overwhelmingly positive and negative. I had already mourned losing him the last two times, but now he has shown me he isn't who he had just started to convince me he truly was..who I wish he had been.
He will stay angry and full of hate, but I am not even mad at him. I was for maybe 5 minutes. I'm just sad for him, that he doesn't have enough inner stability of peace to avoid being so malicious. He has talents, and people who love him even at his worst. But holding all that hate he has within himself..it's going to waste all he has to offer. I still want him to be happy and alright. However, I cant change that or help. I can only learn and move forward. He can tear me apart all he wants. All I can do is be thankful that I'm not him.
I was never out to hurt him, I never will be. His name will never be used, his family or friends will never be contacted. There will be no vindictive actions. I will vent on this website and share insight without running his name through the mud, that's not my place. It would serve no purpose.. He insulted me the best way he could think of at a time he thought I was most vulnerable; I refuse to do the same.
I refuse to hate him just because he hates me. Disapproval of hateful actions is not the same as the hate of the person. He knows my heart, he just doesn't enjoys crushing it. That is ok. I forgive him. My anger will come and go in waves, but that anger will never make me want him to suffer. Why would it? I actually meant it when I said, "I love you."
I forgave him for abuse, neglect, and breaking my heart repeatedly, but he could show no mercy or selfless care for me breaking down-when in need of support and his strength to stand by me, instead of it only being one-sided.. Instead of it always being me standing by him when he's in need(or pretending to be?), just for him to then get angry and bail on me when it's my turn..
Why am I always the one who has to be strong for him, tough it out, and try to understand where he is coming from no matter how he badly behaves?.. Yet, as soon as I get mad, sad, or lose grip-he's out. He then gives nothing of value; no kindness, no support, no effort, just his outrage, insults, and abandonment...
How he ended it with the very last text he sent me, even after he knew I was already feeling so..awful. After everything we'd been through, all I had forgiven, and all the in-depth conversations about our worst fears and pain we had only a few days prior..
Well, to send a message to end 'us' in that manner (in which his intent to cause me great pain was glaringly transparent) after e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. he knew about my love for him, my heart/ who I really am, and how much he had already hurt me—
To say those things to me and dispose of me like I'm defective, worthless trash-again-That's disturbing cruelty..
That's the epitome of narcissistic abuse.