Written 10/2020
My “Baggage”
I had just returned to college at the age of 29, and I was feeling incredibly optimistic! I had grown so much and healed a lot over the past several years. I had spent years, nearly eight of them, building myself back up.
Things had been going rather well. I had completed courses at a trade school. I’d been working as a medical assistant for three years. I was ready to aim for more, a higher paying career to be able to afford a home and better stability for my son. Thus, returning to McNeese was a very big and exciting deal for me.
I was happy, apparently lonelier than I realized, but still happy. I was functional and living my life productively. I had been receiving professional help to manage and cope with the 'baggage' from my past. I was feeling solid.
I practically pranced around that campus in my little wedge heels! haha. D.B. knows that, that joy and confidence is what drew him in in the first place..as did the bouncing. Now he likes to pretend I was always the mess he made of me. I wasn't.
I was in a much better place before he came into my life, tore me down, and broke my heart. I was practically thriving-And I will be again soon.
I had been healing from the ' baggage' D.B. picked on, it was largely related to a past relationship. I have always suffered with a dangerously low sense of self-worth. When I was 20 years old I jumped into a relationship with a very troubled man.
Everything I did was awful. The way I spoke, the way I styled my hair, the amount of make up I wore, the evil intentions he believed I had behind every action, or my facial expressions when I didn't even realize he was in the same room.
The sad thing is, D.B. knew about all of this and much more since the very start. Since the very very start, because of how we started. That past(the 'baggage') no longer heavily shadowed over my life, but it did cause me to become very lonely and posses an unhealthy tolerance for mistreatment.
I had been healing from the ' baggage' D.B. picked on, it was largely related to a past relationship. I have always suffered with a dangerously low sense of self-worth. When I was 20 years old I jumped into a relationship with a very troubled man.
This man terrified me, but I stayed with him for two years. I cared about him. Within that time my mind and spirit were completely broken down. I used unhealthy ways to escape and detach whilst still sitting in the same apartment with him—whether it be on the floor covered with a blanket he forced me to stay under on my 21st birthday because he said he couldn't stand the sight of me..or on the floor of the closet he pushed me into after waking me from a dead sleep by pulling me off the bed, then shattering the closet light above me, and shutting the door because I had dared to sleep in the bed instead of on the ground. He said he knew I was sleeping in the bed because I thought I was better than him. Don't try to make sense of that, you won't be able to.
He said many things. Being forced in, or under anything was true torture, but it was also a twisted relief for me, because for those minutes or hours I didn't have to hear his words breaking me down. That was my escape.
Everything I did was awful. The way I spoke, the way I styled my hair, the amount of make up I wore, the evil intentions he believed I had behind every action, or my facial expressions when I didn't even realize he was in the same room.
Once while I was cooking he didn't like the look on my face. I didn't even know he was around to see me. He threw the large pot full of hot food, which I had been working on for hours, onto the kitchen floor and then began to verbally scold me for how unhappy I looked while preparing our meal.
He said he could tell what I was thinking, and he definitely didn't approve of whatever he thought I thought at all. He then forced me to get on my hands and knees to clean up the steaming food as he continued to yell at me and tell me how horrible I was for nearly an hour.
I knew not to fight back, because if I dared speak or cry..it would set him off even more. I was trying to 'manipulate' him, I was 'pushing his buttons,' and he said he was sick of having to apologize all of the time. He'd grab me and violently shake me as he'd ask me “Why can’t you just wake up!"
So now you see a tiny glimpse of that "baggage" D.B, the difficult man I loved and trusted, threw in my face this last time he came back around to hurt me, again. I hadn't let a man anywhere near me in over seven years, because I was terrified of being abused again. No dates, or even a single kiss. I wanted to be safe. I didn't want to hurt that way ever again.
So now you see a tiny glimpse of that "baggage" D.B, the difficult man I loved and trusted, threw in my face this last time he came back around to hurt me, again. I hadn't let a man anywhere near me in over seven years, because I was terrified of being abused again. No dates, or even a single kiss. I wanted to be safe. I didn't want to hurt that way ever again.
The sad thing is, D.B. knew about all of this and much more since the very start. Since the very very start, because of how we started. That past(the 'baggage') no longer heavily shadowed over my life, but it did cause me to become very lonely and posses an unhealthy tolerance for mistreatment.
He liked to say he was just 'being an asshole,' or 'lashing out.' In reality, it was abuse. He was the changed variable that turned my happy, calm mind and life into complete chaos.
Don't get me wrong, I had thought he was worth all of it. But thankfully, he didn't think I was worth it. Otherwise, I may have been in that toxic dynamic much longer. His falsehoods and my hopeful heart kept me so stuck.