"You obsessively talk about it with your friends and family, you need to get your story out there. You've been shut up and minimized for too long, your voice is finally free. You begin to feel all of the things you weren't allowed to feel in the relationship." J.MaKenzi

Sections:

• Narcissistic Abuse
• Telltale Signs of Narcissistic Abuse
• Explaining Emotional Abuse
• When Hope Is Dangerous
• When to Have Hope
• Not All Abusers Are Created Equal

Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse refers to the behaviors and coping mechanisms narcissists use within their relationships or against their partners. It is perpetrated by individuals with cluster B personality disorders, or whom possess many of their traits.
  

All of these disorders use very similar covert aggressive manipulation tactics. There are slight differences in the brands of this phenomenon and the different names that psychiatrists have given these categories.
 

It's important not to get hung up on whether they are narcissistic, borderline, or psychopathic. The point is to notice the kinds of emotional manipulation, emotional blackmail, and psychological abuse tactics, that these types of people use in various forms and the effect that it has on the victim and survivor of abuse.
 

This type of manipulation and control can be a slow and insidious sort, creeping in over our relationships and destroying our sense of self before we know what's happening.
 

When we become victims of narcissistic abuse, we completely lose sight of our value and the value of our needs and our dreams. We drop our boundaries and surrender control to another person, and with that we surrender pieces of our personality and our happiness.
 

It's a toxic way to live and one that has lasting effects for the victims involved. The narcissist's abusive behavior erodes their partner's self-esteem, and can even dramatically shift their personalities.
 

Whether you're the victim of narcissistic abuse for a few weeks or a few years, the consequences can be far-reaching and long-lasting. It destroys our sense of self. We change through the pain and instability that narcissism relies, and we change who we are in order to survive its massive effects.
 

A narcissist is unable to see the inherent value in anyone else, because they are only able to see their own needs, desires and perspectives.

Telltale Signs of Narcissistic Abuse

Walking on Eggshells

When you build a life with a narcissist, you're building a life on shifting sands. Narcissists inherently rely on their emotions to manipulate the feelings and behaviors of those around them.

If you question them, or even call them out on the way they behave - they'll react with rage, sorrow, and even terror in order to put you back in your place and get what they want.

Living with a narcissist means walking on eggshells and constantly gauging your speech and behavior in order to avoid upsetting them or driving them away.
 

Gaslighting

It's a complex and multi-faceted means of manipulation, and one in which bases itself around 5 primary techniques: withholding, countering, blocking, trivializing and denial.

When you speak up about an issue, or something that troubles you, the narcissist will deny it, minimize it and then react with anger and indignation of their own.

It causes the victim to question their own emotions, desires and sanity. Over time, the victim is destroyed by insecurity and made completely unsure of themselves.
 

Zero Sense of Trust

There can be no true trust or stability when it comes to narcissistic abuse, because destabilization is one of the core tactics narcissists use to get what their way.

In order to ensure that you're too confused, upset, or off-center to question them, the narcissist has to drive you constantly to the point of mistrust before reeling you back in with kindness.

By destabilizing your sense of reality, they cause you to question yourself (rather than them) and this erodes any true and lasting trust that the relationship requires.
 

Putting Aside Your Needs

In the world of the narcissist, everything is about them, and only their needs are important.

One of the trademark signs that you're suffering narcissistic abuse is a constant dismissal of your needs.

The abuser dismisses and diminishes your needs to the point that you begin to do the same. Any time you're given a choice between yourself and the narcissist, you're coached to choose them and - little by little - you learn to put your needs in a box and pack them away out of sight and out of mind.
 

Always Shouldering Blame

Along with sidelining their own needs, victims of narcissistic abuse are forced to shoulder the blame when things go wrong or their abusers make a mistake.

In the narcissist's world, they can do no wrong. Whether they make a genuine mistake, or are just faced with the natural challenges of life, they shift the blame to their partner.

The victim is then forced to internalize this blame in order to keep their abuser happy, or keep their relationship "alive". It becomes a pattern, and one that can follow the victim even after the abuse has ended.
 

Instability & Insecurity

Instability and insecurity are the key to the narcissistic abuser's game. If you feel as though you can't ever get a straight answer from your partner, or if you feel as though you're constantly off-foot with them; that's no mistake.

Narcissistic abusers use this back-and-forth instability in order to make you insecure. The more insecure you are, the more you will look to them and come to rely on their emotional manipulations as the only means to be happy.
 

Shriveling World

Have you noticed that your world is shrinking? Are your social circles or professional opportunities getting smaller and smaller on the back of your relationship?

Narcissists require us to shrink our worlds, and that's especially true when it comes to narcissistic abuse.

In order to get away with their terror and manipulations, the narcissist -like all abusers- isolates you and drives you away from any points of center(e.g. friends, family, doctors)that might otherwise direct you toward your limits and your boundaries.

https://mindandbodyworks.com/survivors-and-thrivers-of-narcissistic-abuse/

Explaining Emotional Abuse

I've met and seen narcissists that had a really good side - a really generous side - but as soon as you get into a relationship with them they don't show that side to you anymore. They show it to others.
 

The narcissist believes that the closest people to him are basically extensions of themselves. If you are with a narcissist, you are an extension of them. What they would do for themselves, they expect you to do for them as well.
 

Now you can see where it can get hairy. Now you can see where control would step in. Now you can see where it doesn't matter what you want, unless what you want is exactly what the narcissist wants.
 

Even then, sometimes the narcissist will want you to do what they want you to do, even if it's something that is the opposite of what they said earlier. They may do this just to confuse you and just to keep you in a state of, "Well, what do I do next? I don't know what to do next. I better listen to the narcissist to make sure I do it right."
 

They may tell you to do something one time, and then the next time change their mind and tell you to do something else, just to confuse you and to keep you in that place of constant guessing. The more you're guessing, the more you're going to rely on them for your next move.
 

There's a long list of traits that the narcissist has. Basically, what the definition is, is a person who has an excessive interest in, or admiration of themselves. Of course, that couldn't be truer; however, the most important part is that they have no empathy for you.
 

When it comes to being around a narcissistic family member or a narcissistic partner, when someone doesn't have empathy for you, they're very difficult to be around. That means what they want is what they want, regardless of how you feel about it.
 

When you're with somebody who doesn't really care how you feel about it, then it's not really a relationship at all. It's just a "power over someone else" model. It's a dominant-submissive model. When you're in that kind of dynamic, you either abide by the rules of the narcissist or fight against them the entire time.
 

That means trying to please them, doing whatever you can so that they're happy, but never succeeding at that. I'm just going to tell you right up front, it's very, very difficult, if not impossible, to succeed with a narcissist, because you'll never be good enough.
 

You'll never do anything that's good enough, and even when you do something perfectly, there'll be something wrong with it. Or they will make up some intention that you had, that what you did wasn't really in their best interest, it was only in your best interest.
 

In fact, everything that they say about you will be something that they do to you. In other words, if they call you a liar, they are probably the liar. If they say that you had bad intentions for them, such as wanting to get them fired or wanting to make them feel bad, it's very likely that's what they're doing to you. It's a redirect, refocus on you.
 

More or less, they are saying "Let's talk about you. Let's keep you on the defense so that we don't have to talk about me, and I can get away with everything I want to get away with, so you continue to feel bad about yourself. We can continue focusing on you and not put the spotlight on me."
 

Once the spotlight is on the narcissist, the heavy guns come out. Now they play the victim and do the redirects. And they do everything they can to point the spotlight back at you so that they are free and clear, and they don't have to worry about defending themselves.
 

If they are doing something badly to you, they want you to feel badly about it, so that they can get away with it. It's always about them getting away with it. I shouldn't say always, but normally. It's about them wanting to get away with some behavior, even the most subtle behavior.
 

Though, friends and family may still not see what you see because of the subtle drip-feeding of emotional abuse on a multiple-times-per-day basis. They won't see it because every little thing that has happened to you, out of context of the rest of what was happening to you, will seem very benign. It will seem as if all of those events were normal things that happen in every relationship.
 

When you share with friends or family that your partner made you feel guilty, they'll ask you, "Well, what did he do? What did he say?" You'll tell them what he did or what he said, and they're going to say, "Oh, that doesn't seem so bad," and you won't be able to go anywhere with it, because you will think that they just don't understand.
 

If you get emotionally charged about it, they will believe him, they will see him as the rational, sane one. And the one who's insane is the one who becomes "irrational", because he or she can't possibly describe what's happening in a logical way that makes any sense to anyone else. You start to lose your mind trying to explain it to someone else. You pull your hair out saying, " I don't know how to tell you. All I can tell you is that it was horrible."
 

This is what you're facing.

It is very hard to explain to anyone - emotional abuse. We often can't recognize it ourselves. We're in the middle of it and we can't recognize it.
 

All we know is that we feel hurt. All we know is that we feel guilty. All we know is that we are now indecisive and unable to trust ourselves anymore. Afraid.
  

We're in this relationship we don't even realize why it's happening, but we just know something's happening.
 

They're so good at orchestrating things in a way that makes us believe that we are doing it to ourselves.
 

It's even worse because then everyone else, our friends and our family, think we're crazy.
 

Of course, the narcissist will say, "I've tried to get through to her, this is how she is; she just goes crazy."
 

The hard part is that when you're in a relationship like this, especially for long, they're going to look at you and say, "Wow, you stayed this long so it couldn't have been that bad." They're going to say things like that! They're going to say, "Wow, I've never seen that side of them. I don't know what you're talking about."
 

As an extreme empath, you don't know a tenth of what narcissism is. Empathetic people don't understand how other people can't be empathetic. I've seen this a lot. If you have any amount of empathy for anyone, you can't understand how other people can't have empathy for others as well. It just doesn't make any sense. If you really, really want to understand what they're like, turn off your empathy. Turn off your empathy completely; have no care about anyone else's feelings.
 

That means if you get in your car and but you want to turn around in your driveway before you leave but the only way to do it is to back into your neighbor's lawn, you let go of caring and just pull in on their lawn! Back onto your neighbor's property, turn around, leave some tired marks, then go. And you just don't care how they feel.
 

Turning off your empathy also means that if you watch somebody fall in front of you, and you see that they're really hurt, old or young, doesn't matter, you just don't care. You don't offer to help them. You just watch them fall and it doesn't faze you.
 

Not a lot of empathetic people can do this. When you have empathy, you're more likely to jump at the opportunity to help someone in need than not. That doesn't mean you always do, it just means that especially when it happens right in front of you, you're more likely to jump at that opportunity to help them out, because you can see they're in pain.
 

An extreme empath, when you're with a narcissist, talk about two extreme opposites! That's what happens; That's what the narc wants. The narcissist wants someone who is empathetic, because they know you're going to feel bad for them. They don't have to feel bad for you; all they have to worry about is you feeling bad for them and always trying to seek attention from them. You trying to seek attention from them is attention for them. It is their supply. I just wanted to address that.
 

You'll probably never understand narcissism fully. I probably will never understand narcissism fully, because I have empathy, and they don't. Most narcissists do not have empathy. That's kind of a part of the definition. When you're a narcissist, you don't have empathy. If you have narcissistic tendencies, then your empathy is either not there or minimized.
 

You're actually much better off if you explain less when others ask about you about the abuse. As soon as you start explaining things to someone, then they want to know more. Then they're going to interpret it in ways that probably won't be beneficial or helpful.
 

Others know the story that was told to them by him. They're going to compare it with what you're saying. Because the narcissist is so crafty, the narcissist is going to prepare your friends and family to hear you in a way that makes you sound like you're wrong, irrational, crazy. Whatever it is, the narcissist is going to prepare them for whatever you say, which is why it's so important to say very, very little. What will happen is that a lot of people are smart; they'll eventually figure it out.
 

Don't say much at all, otherwise it can be used against you. Once what you say gets back to the narcissist, they will twist it to serve them. They will twist it so that the person believes you're crazy, you're insane, you're the bad person, and they are the good person. They will run their smear campaign.
 

How I Explain Emotional Abuse:

You are made to feel guilty.
 

You are made to feel responsible for all wrongs.
 

You can do nothing right no matter how hard you try, and you always feel bad about yourself.
 

You can no longer trust yourself, including your sense of reality.
 

You get sick and tired of feeling bad about yourself all the time.
 

If you really had to say anything to anyone, say, "I just wanted to stop being with someone who made me feel bad about myself all the time." Then of course, you might get one of these self-help book-smart people that tell you, "No one can make you feel anything, you have a choice in how you feel."
 

I personally don't believe that because I have seen how someone can make someone else feel very bad. I've seen it and I know that's the opposite of what we hear. We do have a choice in how we respond to situations. Absolutely.
 

We have a choice about whether to stay with toxic people or not. Absolutely. Sometimes we feel like we don't. I know that. If we really broke it down to having a choice or not, you probably do.
 

You absolutely do have a choice. "Yeah, but I don't like what happens if I make that choice." That's true, that could be absolutely true, but you probably do have a choice. Then you could look at those choices and say, "See, I made those choices, which means I made myself feel bad." I agree with that, too.
 

I also believe that someone that you trust, that you feel safe enough to share everything with, that you feel vulnerable with, that you feel like has your best interest in mind, can manipulate you in ways to feel bad about yourself and lose touch with reality. This is because you believe what they say.
 

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone because it's your choice, and you have every right to make it.

https://loveandabuse.com/the-narcissist-under-the-hood-the-difficulty-of-explaining-emotional-abuse-to-friends-and-family/

When Hope Is Dangerous

Narcissism, is really on a spectrum. If some people have a few of those traits then there's a good prognosis that they can change. Does that mean they'll change for sure? NO.
 

The only thing that means if that person will change for sure is if they decide from inside themselves that they want to go ahead and change.
  

Now when we're talking about people at the extreme end of that scale, of that spectrum, we're talking about people who regularly emotionally abuse people. Of course, they don't admit that. They don't see it as abuse. They see themselves as victims.
 

They often paint themselves as victims. "I would never do that, I don't abuse people" and then they'll turn around and do the same thing. The malignant form of narcissism and borderline personality disorder really characterize this.
 

While borderlines often disagree and lash out about this statement, they're on the cluster B spectrum for a reason. Borderline personality disorder is listed in conjunction with those others for a reason. They'll often say, "We're not like that and we don't abuse people". But then two messages later or that very same conversation they're doing that exact thing that they claim not to do while pretending they're not doing it. I'm not referring to here to the type of borderline who is actively working on themselves with DBT therapy and not manipulating others.
 

Stop listening to people's words. 

Stop listening to what they're saying because if you've had contact with someone on the cluster B spectrum they often say all the right things.
 

They often talk about change, how they want to change, how they're gonna change, how they're working so hard to change. But you don't see the actions.
 

What are their actions telling you?

Actions are telling you whether a person is changing or not. If they're continuing to use these same covert manipulation strategies, they're not changing.
 

The abuser loves to use the guilt trip. In fact it's a very dangerous form of manipulation because it will leave you thinking that you're the problem, that you did something wrong when in fact you didn't. They're using that to get you to do what they want and they know that if you give in they get what they want.
 

If you give in then they calm down and you get a momentary peace. But it just keeps happening. The behavior keeps happening. When the behavior keeps happening, that person is showing you they are not changing. That person is showing you they don't want to change.
 

If they wanted to change they would change their actions. They would change their behavior. They would accept 100% responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and actions.
  

So if a person is telling you "I'm working on really changing", but they never take responsibility for what they're doing to other people, they're not changing.
 

They're not going to change if they don't admit what they're doing. Where they don't see it, they don't admit it, they don't change their actions, they don't accept 100% responsibility for their life that's where there's a problem.
 

**You've already tried to talk about some things and they're either dismissive of your feelings and perceptions of reality or they turn it around on you, "oh you're just oversensitive, you're just crazy, you're just whatever" then they're completely denying what they did or they don't want to hear about your feelings. They totally stonewall the conversation.**
 

Or when you tell them about what they're doing and they say "oh well okay, but I only did that because you blah blah blah" and it's always your fault, then this person has a very poor prognosis for change.
 

When they're not owning the responsibility of their actions, when they are unwilling to address them, to look at them, to work on them, there is no hope for change - NONE.
 

And the sooner you bury that hope and you mourn the idea of what you thought that relationship was, who you thought that person was, the future that you imagined and hoped for, the sooner you bury that and mourn that, the better. Because that hope is toxic. That hope starts to pollute your life. That hope starts to make you feel like you're going insane because you're continually coming back for more abuse from a person who is never going to change.

So look at the actions.
 

Look at the self-responsibility.

When a person is telling you that they're a victim and they're not owning any responsibility, that it's always somebody else's fault, that it's just so hard to be them, you don't know how hard it is to be them and bla bla bla... That person is not accepting self-responsibility. That person is using a "poor me" manipulation strategy. Stay away from those people. Those people are very dangerous for your sanity. They will get you very, very confused.
 

The victim form of this kind of narcissistic or borderline abuse is, I think, the most dangerous because it really looks like victim sometimes. And it really triggers the compassion and guilt inside of you because you have an actual conscience.
 

So when a person is telling you that it's your fault and you should do this for them and you should do that for them, it kind of makes your stomach feel heavy because you're thinking "oh am I doing enough, am I giving enough, am I giving this person enough chance?"
 

But when you're giving them chances to keep doing it over and over again, that's the danger. You could lose your sanity. You could start to take on the responsibility of that person's actions and problems when that is not your responsibility.
  

When you enter into a relationship you own 50% of that relationship, but you own 100% responsibility of you. If you are with somebody who does not own responsibility for themselves, they do not own responsibility for their actions, get away from that person.
 

That person does not want to change. That person does not believe anything is wrong with them. That person believes they are entitled to keep doing that to you and other people and that you should just deal with it and give them what they want. That is a very dangerous person to be around. That will escalate, it will not get better.

When to Have Hope

When you're dealing with a person who has a few narcissistic tendencies or a few traits of one of those other cluster B personality disorders, and they agree that they have a problem and they agree that they want to get help, they agree that they want to change and they get into therapy, they get professionals on board and they start changing their actions in real time, meaning they're not continuing to do those same things that are abusive and manipulative and causing problems in your relationship.
  

When they are working actively on that and you see changes in the behavior, then it's safe to have hope. Because the person is taking action. They're showing you through their actions that they don't want to be like that anymore.
 

When they see the reality of the situation. They see the effects that it has on you and other people and they are working to change themselves. They realize that their actions have a negative effect on other people.
 

The only way a person is going to change is when they accept 100% responsibility for themselves. That is the only time that I would recommend having any hope because hope can be so dangerous when people are not owning responsibility for themselves.
 

I saw myself, in the past, getting really caught up in that hope and that hope kept me there. It kept me hoping for the better future. It kept me hoping for the empty promises. They kept promising, kept me hoping for change, hoping that things would go back to when they were "good" or get better and be something new. Hope can be very very dangerous in these cases.
 

I just wanted to put this message out there because I know a lot of you are asking this question. I get this question a lot. I think it's natural that when you come out of this kind of abusive situation or you find yourself in the abusive situation, you really doubt things. You doubt yourself and then you almost feel guilty for giving up that hope.
 

Giving up that hope in a person who is not going to change does not mean you're not a hopeful person. You might have hopes and dreams for the future that you want to create and that's wonderful. It doesn't mean that you're a pessimistic, negative person just because you acknowledge the fact that this person is not taking any steps to change.
 

Remember when not to have hope.

They're not changing their behavior. They're not even owning the responsibility of their behavior. That's a boundary that you need to set. A limit that you need to make with that hope. 
  

Save your hope for the things that you do have control over. Save your hope for the things that you're building. Save that hope for someone who shows up in your life who's actually owning a hundred percent responsibility for themselves.
 

And the thing that you need to recognize is that when you're dealing with a person who does not own a hundred percent responsibility for who they are or the actions they take or the emotions they have or the effect that they have on other people... that is a relationship of inevitable harm. It will inevitably further traumatize you each time you hold out hope and give them another chance.
  

Get really honest and really clear with yourself and recognize when it's time to bury that hope because the sooner you do that, the sooner you accept that that person has a real problem and they're not going to change and it's actually safer to bury that hope so you can go on with your life, the easier it's going to be for you to go on.
 

You have the right to happiness and peace of mind. You have the right to follow your dreams and to be hopeful for the future. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't care about that. You deserve so much better.

medium.com/@OwnYourReality/when-to-bury-the-hope-that-the-narcissist-will-change

Not All Abusers Are Created Equal

Just as not all victims are the same, not all perpetrators of harm are the same either.
 

There is a temptation to 'lump' them all together--making 'who' they are that makes them abuse others the same as other abusers and what they 'do' as abusers the same as other abusers. Perhaps this is where Domestic Violence theory and pathology theory walk different paths.
 

Pathologicals are those most likely to abuse the group by gathering info and becoming a slyer abuser. They are the ones most likely to use the information they learned in group later on the judge, their attorney, court evaluators, child evaluators.
 

Pathologicals are also those most likely to get sent to intervention groups over and over again. There is a danger in 'graduating' the pathologicals for having 'successfully' completed their weeks in batterer intervention and/or anger management. They returns to the victim with a certificate in hand by an organization that says 'They have completed the program' when what really occurred was that they did not benefit in a long term way from what they were taught. But the certificate helps the abuser get in the door again.
 

Pathologicals are those most likely to convince others that they are not the problem--that she is, or the world, their job, their childhoods, their attorneys, etc.
 

Pathologicals are those most likely to stalk. They don't take no or go away as answers--they take it as a challenge.
 

Pathologicals are those most likely to abscond children and bolt. Giving partial custody or unsupervised visitation is to invite the natural outcomes of a pathological with poor impulse control.
 

Pathologicals are those most likely to expose children to abuse, neglect, and their pathological lifestyles. They are those most likely to program children against the protective and non-pathological parent.
 

And last but certainly not least, pathologicals are those most likely to kill or attempt to kill. Without conscience, empathy, guilt, remorse or insight---someone so 'inconvenient' like an 'abuse tattler' is likely to be seen as a swarming gnat and killed with the same amount of forethought.
 

Clearly, not all abusers are pathological, and not all pathological abusers are killers. I have seen many people go through batterer intervention and 'get it,' go home, change their behaviors, positively impact their marriages and families and never do it again. But in pathological abusers, they think there's 'nothing wrong with them' so why would they ever change?
 

In true psychopathy, power is food. It's not 'a way of looking at relationship dynamics' -- it just 'is.' It's biological, not dynamic. The new information out on the Neuroscience of chronic batterers and other pathological types show us the parts of the brain that are impacted and prevent them from change. This is not merely willful behavior, this is his hard wiring.
  

All abuse is an abuse of power. But not all abuse of power is treatable or curable. It's not that there aren't similarities in the abuse or even the abuser--but in pathology the abuse of power has no cure.
 

Abuse, addiction, mental health issues all have the hope of treatment when there is insight and the ability to sustain change.
 

But in pathology, the inability to grow, sustain consistent positive change, or develop insight about how their behavior negatively effects others precludes them from the benefit of treatment.
 

That IS what pathology is--the inability to be helped by medication, counseling, spiritually, or even love.
 

Abusers who are not pathological have the ability to grow, change, and develop insight about how their abuse of power and control harms others.
 

Pathologicals can never do that. That's why all abusers are not created equal.
 

Nonpathological Abusers

Many assume abuse is caused by a partner's mental health condition, for example: bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), narcissistic personality, borderline personality or antisocial personality. While these are serious mental health conditions, they do not always cause abuse.
 

Mental illness does not solely cause a partner to be abusive in a relationship; however, there are a select few diagnoses that can increase the risk of abusive patterns to show up in a relationship and in other areas of life. There are many times when a partner is mentally ill and abusive. On the other hand, there are also many times they are not abusive at all.
 

Even if a person has a mental illness, it does NOT excuse the abuse. Abuse is NEVER okay. Abuse is about control and power over a partner.
 

Abusers often minimize or deny their behaviors, or even shift the blame to the non-abusive person.
 

While it can feel like your partner "just doesn't get it" and lacks self-awareness, this is often an emotionally abusive tactic used to make the other partner question themselves.
 

Since abusive behaviors happen primarily in one's intimate partner relationship, it's common that an abusive partner will not show their negative or harmful behaviors with friends, co-workers or family members. An abusive partner tends to put on what can be considered a "fake mask" for the rest of the world to see.
 

When it's just the victim and the abusive partner together, that mask comes off and the victim sees a different side that others aren't allowed to see.
 

The impact of being the only person to see this behavior is often isolating for the victim, as they may think (or the abusive person may even say) that no one else will believe them since no one else has witnessed the abusive behaviors.
 

This also makes it easier for the abusive person to make their partner feel responsible for their abusive behavior, which reinforces the isolation.
 

Although disorders and diagnoses are often go-to explanations for abusive behavior, we know that mental health issues do not excuse or directly cause intimate partner abuse.
 

Connecting an abusive partner's abusive behaviors with a disorder can sometimes blur the line between free will and something seen as "unchangeable."
 

Many disorders, including narcissistic personality disorder, are marked by a person's inability to identify their behaviors as unhealthy or show empathy to those affected by their actions, greatly reducing the possibility of change.
 

When people consider their partner's behavior in this way and apply a label like "narcissist," it may lead to a belief that their partner has no control over their behavior or even a feeling of acceptance of their behavior.
 

-----------------------------Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90 percent female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.