9/2020
 

I Wish You Could

I wish you could feel the love you and every single person deserves to feel.

Not in a cheesy Hallmark-sense.. nor a foolish impulse for misguided self-fulfillment. In a realistic, messy, but profound way.

In a way that goes beyond just feeling good. In a manner that is a conscious choice and willing sacrifice.

With the desire to care beyond oneself, and be in a mutually beneficial partnership without selfish or malicious intent.

To truly care, even on the days the very person you love is the one you can't stand (temporarily).

To accept someone on their worst days, and feel the comfort of being accepted at your worst in return.

To be with someone you can trust with all you are, and all that you have been.

To have someone you can mature with, laugh with, fight with, cry with, smile with, share stories, joy, and pain with- all while willingly committing to stay with. 

To not intentionally harm, or be harmed by them.

To be with someone simply to BE WITH THEM, not to make use of them.. Not for yourself, but to donate yourself to them-for them.. because that is what it is to love.. It is selfless and sincere.

To be with someone you'd rather hurt for, than to inflict hurt upon.

To have and share something that helps heal you when you're broken, and teaches you how to break with more grace and less severity in the future.

To focus on and invest in something that will matter on your deathbed- something that makes getting to such a point a less painful and empty process.

Something that makes all the pain an difficulties worth it.

To have a friend willing to fight for you, believe in you, and want you.

To have someone be the other half of yourself.

To have something that leads to someone being there at the end of each day who knows all of you, authentically, and still feels tremendously grateful to have you exactly as you are.

D.B. Our relationship was one-sided and lacking the depth you initially portrayed, but I felt such things for you. I wish you could feel in that manner for anyone at all. I know you likely don't want to, or even know how. It's extremely unfortunate that you have to live this way.
 

You still said a lot of things, a lot of dishonest facts about who you really are, what you actually wanted, there being no other women, how much you cared for me, and about how wonderful our life was going to be together.
 

You told me you knew exactly what you wanted, and that at your age you didn't have time for petty games or promiscuous, dead end -behavior.
 

You said you'd never waste your time dating someone you couldn't see yourself marrying.
 

You told me you hadn't dated, or 'been with', anyone in over three years because you were only interested in something of substance.
 

You said you were tired of the shallow 'relationships' your friends urged you to partake in.
 

You said we were going to have the healthiest relationship that either one of us had ever had.
 

You claimed that I'd finally see what it was like to be treated right.
 

You said you were full of compassion and would always be good to me, adore me.
 

You went on to tell me you cared for me, loved me, wanted to have children with me; then back in early June you spoke of wanting us to get pregnant.
 

You'd say that you'd never stop fighting for me, that we were going places, that you were certain we'd make it, that you wanted a future with me as your wife, and that you'd never want to be with anyone else.
 

You told me you didn't let people in, but that you didn't want to shut me out like you had done all of to the others...
 

You thanked me for being so patient and understanding.
 

You'd apologize for the instability and complications you created in our relationship, and you swore it was just because you were struggling with severe PTSD after your dad's death.
 

You said you were gradually becoming less angry, that things were going to get back to normal, and that they'd be good again. That night you talked about 'us' for the first time you swore you'd be good to me, love me, and never hurt me.
  

You lied about everything.  You hurt me on purpose. You never care. Someone will-
 

I'm sorry you focused so heavily on stealing away from the mere surface of all that I am, that you failed to recognize what you were after paled in comparison to the truth of what I was offering to you freely.
  

I pity that all you love is the game you play to make others believe in you; you have to make it a game, because you NEED to 'win.' You 'win' a game you designed. Then take pride in it- though you must know you'd never create a game you could actually lose. 

Winning without being challenged doesn't seem like a victory, it seems like a terribly unhealthy construct in which to view relationships and life as something other than what they are meant to be... So that you can feel safe, and as though you posses more control and importance than you actually do. Not that you aren't important, everyone is; and you were very important to me.
 

Having power to hurt people is your security, and thus- your version of joy, or relief? It is a very sad thing, and I don't mean that as a passive way to call you pathetic. I don't think you are pathetic. I think you are cruel, astonishingly selfish, and have reasons for being the way you are...that may, in part, be beyond your full control. BUT that doesn't make the behaviors or their outcome any more acceptable. It is not excused.
 

Hurting people to please or console yourself will never be alright. I literally think it is a very very sad thing for you, and for those you prey on..whether it is always fully intentional or not.
 

I don't want that for you, for you to 'lose.' But I can't make you see the real finish line amidst all of the false ones you create in closer proximity to make yourself feel like you've finished ahead- just to convince yourself you must be superior.
 

I want better for you. I hate what you did to me, what you have done and will do to others, but I don't hate you. I never want you near me again, because you make me feel like I am nothing, and you seem to enjoy breaking my heart.
 

I wish you could be close to someone without destroying them.
 

Believe otherwise, but you will reap what you sow eventually- without my aid, or anyone else's. That doesn't mean I want bad things for you, nor vengeful justice. I do not. I love you, whatever you are, I just wish you had that ability to do the same.