8/2020

Thankfully, I'm no longer feeling as low as I did when I wrote this(one month after the main discard), but the fact that this relationship was able to push me so far down isn't something I want to forget. This was written shortly after the hoover that followed the 'final' discard(his birthday)-I wrote it when I had to accept that nothing about our relationship was real. I was not alright. I was angry, heartbroken, ashamed, confused and exhausted. I've never felt so betrayed or used in my entire life. I diligently researched his type of behavior and the results consistently came back for Narcissistic/ Psychopathic Abuse. Which to put mildly, sucks. He even came back just in time for my birthday just to stir things up. He sent a message in response to my pain that read, "Lol. You're so pathetic." I get it. He feels nothing. He claims to have an amazing heart, but acts like he doesn’t possess one. He said he'd prove our relationship wasn't a lie and that he never tricked or used me, but then he contradicted all his claims of sincerity by lashing out and running away again. He’s as empty as his promises.

(10/2021) It’s about time for one of his hoovers..So here’s a friendly reminder for him —Please stop coming back. You'll be wasting your time here. I’m not mad anymore, I just don't want you. Sorry.

Goodbye D.B.

Sometimes I'm fine. Sometimes I feel like my happy, hopeful self again. But sometimes it's really difficult. Sometimes it really hurts. Sometimes I cry when I remember how amazing it felt when I believed all of the lies you told me, and how whole my heart finally felt when I thought your care for me was real. It is hard to manage the rush of emotions I feel when I recall exactly how I felt when you filled my heart up with such beautiful hope. You created an intoxicating illusion through all of your false promises and insincere proclamations.
 
 

When I'm hit by random memories of those family game nights, or how you'd grab my hand and smile at me it makes me want to collapse onto my knees and freeze time. The deep ache in my chest when I recall how much I truly adored you, and how your happiness was all I fought for, makes me wish my life would hurry by. It is this severe because now I know all you wanted was to break me down and take all that you could get.
 

I had to learn and accept that it was all a cruel charade of you being involved in what you claimed was a serious committed relationship with me..the woman you said you were going to marry within the next two years..I met your family, you said they adored me. They told me I was the first girl you ever brought home or introduced them to. Yet you shamelessly neglected me, lashed out at me, manipulated me, tried(and usually succeeded)to control me, ignored me for days to a week+ at a time-zero communication, likely cheated on me numerous times, used me, lied to me and lied to everyone else.

You horrifically misled and crushed the heart you knew I had kept to myself for nearly a decade, and all while you were fully aware that you were going to do such damage since the start.You knew how afraid I was since the very beginning. I literally jumped away the first time you went to hug me. I let you know I was hesitant to date again, or to trust a man with my heart. You knew I had been avoiding romance for several years due to my overwhelming fear of being abused again. You KNEW I was terrified. But you still stretched your arms out towards me and convinced me, through your confident presence and gorgeously crafted stories, that I was finally safe.
 
 

You convinced me you were exactly who you were claiming to be -someone genuine, good, and desperately longing to be with me. You created an atmosphere that felt like home initially, when in reality I was nothing more to you than another 'thing' to enjoy breaking down and making use of until you could find something more fun to play with.
 

I know I deserved much better. I know you don't care. I wish knowing how undeserving you were of my time would make this process easier, but it doesn't. The difficult part isn't letting you go, I'm not miserable because I lost you. The pain is in my sorrow over grieving something you swore was true, while you knew very well it never existed. 
 

The torture is now being fully aware that only my love and words were real in our relationship..That all the time, energy, and true care I put into our relationship was exploited merely to serve your disturbed form of amusement. It was always solely about you. It wasn't love, or even kindness at all. Your feelings never were real, who I loved was never real. But I did love you still. I was always worried about you. I always wanted, more than anything, just for you to be alright. For you to have peace. The amount of suffering I endured to stand firmly by your side no matter how intense the difficulties became, no matter the discomfort, confusion, loneliness, hurt, stress, and fear— I held on for dear life because you pretended you were doing the same.
 

I believed in you. I believed in the well articulated explanations you provided to excuse your bizarre, cold, and cruel behaviors. I cared about your pain, your joy, and your goals. None of what you shared was true, but the care I had for all of it and for you was deeply real. The lie of a reality you created for me was all too real for me, and so was my consideration for you. 

You never deserved me. You never will. You'll sit back feeling proud for deceiving and mistreating me for your selfish satisfaction, but you should be sitting back feeling lucky because the real you would've never stood a chance. I would have never given an empty, dishonest heart like yours a chance to hold mine. You had to hide and disguise yourself to earn my affection, because you KNEW the real you wasn't good enough to be adored by a good hearted woman like myself. You were right. A man with so much hate and selfishness is undeserving of my affection, energy, and undying commitment. You stole it. A complete violation by the most inhumane fraud. 

You did what you had no right to do, simply because you could. You violated me in every sense of the word, as though you deserved whatever it was you wanted more than I deserved basic human dignity.. because people don't matter to you. Only you matter to you..

You scoff at feelings, yet you live ruled by your own. Everything you do is for how it makes YOU feel, because you lack the ability to feel and care about other people as if they matter just as much as you do. You are not the "chosen one." This is reality, and reality is you deserve no more than the rest of us. You just take more because you're a thief. You excuse your behavior and the consequences because it serves what makes you feel how you like to feel in that particular moment. It seems like you would be aware that your behavior creates a negative mess, which will inevitably complicate your life in an unpleasant manner. Yet, this fact is ignored by you due to your obsession with instant gratification, impulses you can't resist. Your gratification is your god. You worship and live for yourself. You are proud of behaving despicably. That's not something anyone can alter, no matter how morally and logically unsound it is.
 

I'm not ashamed of myself for trusting a monster disguised as a man.You knew my past, my vulnerabilities, and my deepest longings, and you used them all to your advantage by twisting and manipulating my love to gain the vapid things you were after. Your unscrupulous goals were all that mattered to you.

I feel no shame for being degraded and betrayed by you. I'm heartbroken that it happened, but I'm proud that all I ever did in our relationship was care for you with all I had. It's not my fault you're lacking the deepest and most fulfilling of human emotions.I fought like hell to be stronger for you, to be everything I'd love for someone else to be for me, and to be everything you were telling me I should be. I know I tried. I know I was long-suffering. 

I know I only wanted the best for you, and I know I still do. This doesn't make me stupid, it simply makes me someone with a heart capable of more than yours ever will be. I know you'll continue to cause chaos for others throughout the rest of your life. That makes me sad for you and your victims. There's nothing I can do for you, no matter how badly I wish your life could go in a better direction.

My heart hurts some days. Some moments it has been inexpressibly bad. I know you'll be thrilled to read about me curling up, crying until I'm struggling to catch my breath. I have had those moments, and much worse. Even with such horrid moments, I'm suffering drastically less than when I was with you. There’s no more false hope. There’s no more temporary high from you playing pretend..there's just the harsh reality that you used me and willingly inflicted excruciating pain upon me..even though you knew I only entered your life due to my concern for your observable pain after your father's death. You.didn't.care.

You didn't think twice about your selfish, unfeeling plan that would seriously harm a person who was only in your line of sight due to her concern for your well-being. Who I am, stories, thoughts, feelings, and vulnerable intimacies I shared with you were nothing more to you than tools to squeeze everything you wanted out of me..with no regard for the damage your tight grasp was causing. You loved the power of crushing something good, harming someone who was still human enough to be hurt.

You got off on feeling superior to me..As if having the ability to hurt someone else and doing so is something to be proud of. As if you are stronger for not being able to think beyond yourself. As if you are stronger for doing whatever is easiest for you while avoiding the possibility of self-growth. As if it makes you better to behave worse.

You act as though you existing is an accomplishment, and entitlement to belittle everyone else for daring not to be just like you-cold, angry, lacking truth and purpose. Being an abusive bully isn't impressive, surviving one and not allowing yourself become one is. Causing pain simply because you can is not an accomplishment, it's parasitic and predatory. 

You have not stolen my desire to care for others, even others who bring nothing but negativity to this world like a vacuumous void. Only temporary things can be conquered by something so lacking of substance, by hate.

At times, I will write many words about this hurt you created, about the suffering you intentionally worsened when you decided I didn't deserve to be acknowledged or truly cared for. I'm determined to make use of the awful negativity you placed in my life by sneaking your way into my heart. I have absolutely no doubt that good things will come from this wretched experience. I'm strong enough to continue to care. I pity that you were never capable of truly seeing and appreciating me for who I am.

It's a pitiful loss to be too blind to see the worth of all those around you...to not see that other people matter far beyond just what they can do for you.

I meant the things I always said to you, the things you still care nothing about. I will never hate you or stop caring, no matter how much I disapprove of horrible things you've done. My heart is big enough to love others, and that's exactly what I'll continue to do. No amount of selfishness, nor abuse, will cancel out the love I have to give. You can't steal it or win it with clever manipulations, because I now give it freely to the real you. I love you, not the way I did before..but still in a way you'll sadly never understand or experience. You will never understand, I don't believe you're even capable.

I fell so low by falling for you, but I'm already standing back up, wishing I could help you up as well. I know that I can't help you, you don't even know or care about how far down you are...you'll just continuously drag others down with you. There's no amount of love from any other person that can help you, but you deserve better than the reality you live in. I hope you'll get better than what you've given. I don't want anyone or anything to hurt you the way you hurt me. I don't think you can hurt. 

You're no longer the center of my life, but the lessons I'm learning from your cruelty will remain an important focus. 

You had the power to hurt me, and you did so with expertise. Congratulations? Thankfully, I'm stronger than my broken heart and the emotional scars from trauma you caused. Fake, spiteful love from a man will not destroy me, but it will make me appreciate a man capable of real love even more when that time comes.

Your hate makes me tremendously grateful to have a heart like mine instead of one like yours. I can't fathom living thinking it is alright to intentionally crush others. The problem is, I can't make sense of it, not fully. But I know I want better for you. I wish you could be happy or feel gratified without causing destruction to others, but that being a tragic impossibility won't prevent my joy. 

Goodbye D.B.