My Forgiveness &His Future-faking
Sections:
- Brief Break (5/20 - 5/26)
- Back Together (5/26)
- Future Wife (6/8)
- Meet the Brother (6/12)
- Pity & Mentioning the Ex (6/18)
- Stonewalling (6/19 - 6/27)
- He Has Another Epiphany (6/30)
- Stronger Than Ever! (7/5)
HE DISCARDED ME ON 7/8 - July 6th & 7th
HE DISCARDED ME ON 7/8
Related: How He Fooled Me Love-bombing
Reviewing what I recorded while we were together makes it obvious our relationship was almost entirely comprised of stonewalling, gaslighting and triangulation. It was a manipulationship?
Among the many forms of gaslighting he used the absolute cruelest was his future-faking. He convinced me he cared, that I'd improved his life, and that we were headed towards our future.
I never gave him the messy handwritten notes I included throughout this page. I wrote them to relieve stress because he refused to communicate with me. He was not working or looking for a job until the very end of our relationship, yet he remained unreachable and showed little interest. He'd ignore me a lot… then always provide an explanation later on that would leave me feeling guilty for having ever been hurt by his shifting moods, rejection, and neglect. His aggression, sob stories, and unavailability kept me tense, so I'd write out the confusion I was stuck in.
May 2020 - July 2020 LEADING UP TO THE MAIN DISCARD:
May 20 — May 26Brief Break
We had broken up for six days in May(5/20 -5/26). The day he broke up with me was exactly one week after our first physical date since quarantine started two months prior. My emotions had been all over the place. I kept being taken from elation to despair in correlation with his extreme behavior towards me.
We had finally had our first date in all that time. It was pretty nice, he talked about some girl named Rose too much. But we spent several hours together. He convinced me that he wanted a future with me more than anything.
Immediately following our date (and first time seeing each other in two months) he abruptly cut off contact. Not a single phone call, as usual. Not even a text "Good morning doll" or "Goodnight doll" like he used to at least do a few mornings and nights a week.
The morning after our date, when I thought everything was wonderful..I sent him a text telling him I was thinking of him, that I was happy, and that I was going to try and be productive. And he responded "Be productive!" That was it. He didn't say anything else. This was the morning after he invited me to the family reunion and our bond seemed strong. He didn't send me a goodnight, ask me how I was doing, what I was doing.
He didn't ever act like he missed me or wanted to talk to me, nothing. But he had trained me so well to where even though those things seemed very suspicious and hurtful, and just not how people are supposed to be in a relationship, I’d tell myself we were fine because he’d told me to trust that we were.
It seems like it would be obvious he was using me, but we had been together for months, and he had trained me to believe that he was struggling horribly with triggered combat-PTSD, and that when he was in such a dark place he isolated himself because that was the only way he knew how to deal with it.
He said he wouldn't do it anymore..But of course, after he kept telling me how bad it was in the past I told him to do whatever he had to do to take care of himself because I cared about him being alright more than things being simpler for me. So I would just be quiet and wait.
I waited two more days after my first text to reach out again. I sent him a cute picture of me with my hair all big and curly, because he said he loved that. During the date we just had, he was so romantic and serious about me. He had spoken about marriage and a future with me. So I thought it was ok to be sweet back. It was all too soon.
I don't know what happened. I was just there and believed him, and adored it all as I'd get swept up in all he said. The text with the image I sent of my big cute hair said I was thinking about him even when I look in the mirror and see my hair a way I know he'd like it..And that I liked that even silly little things made me think of him. He didn't respond.
The next day he sent me an image of his grades. And so I sent him a picture of mine. I told him good job, and that it had been a B-kind of semester for me, with a little funny face emoji. He never responded. And then more days went by with no communication.
A whole week went by where he treated me like I was nothing to him. I should've listened to his actions..But it didn't make sense.
I‘d hold on, trusting he'd be back whenever he got himself together mentally and emotionally. He'd say when he’d fall silent and get distant, that it was all due to the recent tragedy. His father had taken his own life, and he was struggling with PTSD he said he had from ten years in combat..I didn't want to be insensitive about that, because I was the one choosing to be with him. I thought... “Who am I not to be long-suffering with this incredible man who I care so much about and who cares about me??” So I stood by him.
I eventually asked him if I had done something to anger him, he immediately called. That’s when completely blindsided me. He let me know he had feelings for someone else that he had known for over a decade. And he didn't only let me know that, but he let me know that me being uncomfortable about it, and being sad we hadn't spoken in a week since the date was what was wrong- that I was the problem. That me wanting to talk to him and understand his side of things and where I stood with him was the actual issue..
All I wanted to do was understand, because I was so pathetically devoted to him. I listened to him talk about having feelings for someone else and I still wanted to hear him out and fight for him because I cared so much..I was so used to focusing only on what HE needed.
When I'd ask for that hand to help me up and to be everything he said he was. To just treat me like he cared. To treat me the way I thought I deserved to be treated... I'd be shoved further into the ground by his contemptuous attitude and hateful words.
He’d told me about this woman, but said he wanted to be with me..Then he got mad at me for wanting to discuss the issue..I told him that I loved him, and wanted to make things right. He said "Thanks, take care." And didn't talk to me again for six days.
That's how he ended us. Suddenly, with another woman, cruelty, and a ‘thanks, take care.’ It was towards the end of May. It was a real shock. I was in denial. I wouldn't accept that it was an abusive relationship, even after the manner in which he ended it was blatantly verbal, emotional, psychological abuse. There is no way around it. But I couldn't see it. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to see that that was happening again.
He had said something on our date before this discard, it kind of haunts me a tiny bit now..He said that he didn't understand why people didn't just leave abusive relationships..that he never understood that at all. When I got a little flustered and told him to read about it and look into it because it isn't that simple, he said, "I know a lot about it, actually." He sure did.
( Discard 1 )
THE TEXT HE SENT 6 DAYS AFTER DISCARD 1:
May 26 - May 29Apologies, Explanations, & Promises
We were back together 5/26/20 after meeting up at the boardwalk. We walked and talked for hours. He apologized profusely. His adoring words and seemingly sincere intentions temporarily alleviated all the misery he had left me in days before. I was happy, and numb to all that had taken place prior.
By day five follwing the discard disaster..(before D.B. came back around) my sister had me on dating sites. I was getting cute and just trying to distract myself, and accept he was just a jerk and I had been foolish. I still didn't really understand what happened. I was so lost and hurt, but I still was pulling myself back up the best I could. I was very very confused, and it still hurt pretty damn bad. I didn't believe our entire relationship was a lie, or that his mistreatment was intentional. I wanted to believe he meant all the good things he said, and that for some reason he didn't REALLY mean the bad things. That he never really meant the bad things completely, he was just having a hard time.
He pops back up six days into the breakup, when I am trying so hard to smile again. I cared a lot.. I had been deeply devoted to him. He was the first man I kissed or even got to know, hold, or anything in over seven years. He was precious to me, and I always wanted to help and be there for him to support him. All of those feelings don't just die; not for someone who actually had them to begin with… So when he came back with apologies and sweet words, that big piece of me that he had kind of..grossly damaged..it temporarily burned a little less, and I felt that sick, stupid hope.
My heart that he broke, and my mind that had exhausted itself trying to make sense of everything that didn't line up-the emotional whiplash...I wanted to believe the good because the bad was appallingly bad.
When he did come back, I fell right back in. His talking was so smooth and my emotions were so invested. He meant a great deal to me that it didn't take much at all for him to get me right back. He got me back that day. We met up. He apologized more. I didn't realize at the time what was happening. I didn't know anything about narcissistic abuse. I'd never heard about the hoovering and abusive exploitation. I didn't think this man who I cared for, who I looked in the eyes, held, kissed, who I was worried about, and giving so much of myself to..I couldn't fathom that he would ever do something that terrible to me.
Even though he kept doing terrible hurtful things, like ignoring me, calling me names, being accusatory and so cruel.. I still couldn't imagine that he could be THAT level of evil towards me because he did know me. He knew me pretty well, because I let him know me. I was always genuine with him. And I know I'm not perfect, and I obviously have a lot of my own improvement and recovery to do, but I know that I have a really good heart, and that I had good intentions, and I was loving, and funny, and cute, and I had or have a lot to offer..and I just couldn't imagine somebody who was seeing all of that, someone who knows me to the core..would have the heart to push me down in that way, and use me, lie to me, and treat me so badly.
I didn't want it to be true, because it hurt a great deal. So I forgave him, and we got back together. I went right back to being guided by him. It is really embarrassing because it is obvious what was happening now, he was only using me for something so basic. We got back together on May 26th. Then he was quiet for the 27th and 28th.
Three days after accepting his apology and becoming his girlfriend again, he sent a text stating "Been angry all day I know that doesn't mean shit to you, but I'm trying to communicate where I'm at." I was confused because it seemed like he was being ugly to me and accusing me of not caring. However, I responded kindly.
He had let me know he was still having a hard time resisting the alcohol and that he would contact me as soon as he got in a healthy headspace again. He said he was "in a bad way." So I faithfully awaited his return, suffering in silence trying to trust and accept everything was fine. He had told me he always had a good reason that had nothing to do with me if he went silent.
I felt my pain was acceptable because he needed my understanding, patience, and care no matter how difficult it was for me. I would happily suffer, and find ways to 'get over myself' for the sake of what he convinced me he needed and what I cared enough about to want to provide. He didn't text or call for nearly an entire week.
I did reach out sending mushy love crud regarding my support and respect for his needs. He ignored me. On Friday he did send a text saying "We need to talk," then said nothing until the following night. He sent me a text of a picture of him with a beautiful girl next to him in his bed. and the message said "I'm coming out of it. I'm feeling much better." After a few minutes passed he said "Oh shit! That's my niece by the way." I thanked him for sending the picture. I told him it was nice to see his face. He said he would call me later, which he did eventually around midnight.
When he finally called, he went on one of his uplifting rants about how much he really really cared about me and wanted to be with me. He spoke of the future we'd have. He pointed out all of the things he was doing wrong and told me how he was going to address each and every one of the issues his wrongs caused.
He would spin stories about how he had spoken to his mother, brother, friend, or nephew- and how they gave him words of wisdom he had previously not considered or been aware of.
He had seen the light! Yet another perfectly timed epiphany to convey to me. He proclaimed how much better he was feeling and how much more optimistic he was feeling in his brand new improved mindset!
He'd go on and on about how great things were going to be and about how happy he was about 'us' and about how grateful he was to have me. He'd sound so energetic and happy. I believed him. He is intelligent, and could explain away anything he had done, or make me question myself about any negative feelings I had as a result of his actions...As I mention on another page..I swear, in person, he could say the sky was neon orange, and you'd believe him wholeheartedly while looking straight up at the blue.
Towards the end of his call, he asked me if I would like to spend the following day with him. He said we'd go on a double date kind of thing with his nephew and his nephew's girlfriend to play tennis, then go to a family game night afterwards. I was thrilled at the invite! A date? Family time? Heck yes!!
June 8 ( Mon.)“Future Wife”
The following day, I met him at his place and we rode together to a close relative's home that had a tennis court in the backyard. We laughed and had fun. After a few matches, D.B. almost broke his ankle, it became terribly swollen in tender. I was so sad for him because we were all having so much fun.
Once we all made it inside, he said he still wanted to have a family game night at his mom's. He also made a comment about my make up and indirectly insulted me by speaking for me when they were asking me if I had to go home first to. He said, “Come on man. Look at her. She wore makeup to play tennis, she’s not going to go looking like that.” (Ok...I like makeup..so he acted like that = high maintenance. Ummm, last I recall, I never once asked him to apply it.. A man can spend hours enjoying his video game hobby, but I’m a snob for enjoying my hobby because it happens to be doing makeup for 20-30 minutes?? Seems fair. Not.)
His nephew drove because D.B. couldn't drive with his injury. All four of us were crammed in a truck, and they brought me home. D.B. kissed me goodbye , asked me if I could grab him a pack of cigarettes, and said he'd see me in a few hours.
On the way to his mother's house, I stopped at a gas station.. I thought..'what if he can't drive for a while..poor guy.' So I got him two packs of cigarettes instead just one, and a bottle of soda. I drove out to their place feeling sad for him, he seemed to have the WORST luck. I was also very happy that I was going to spend time with him again.
When I got there he looked happy to see me.
Later on he yelled "PLAY!" in a tone that scared me while playing cards because he didn't like how long I was taking. He knew how much yelling freaked me out..I’d told him. It shook be. I automatically went into fight or flight mode..Well, I froze and felt terrified as my heart was about to pound right out of my chest. I couldn’t move for a second when he started hurrying me to play a card again right after yelling. I’m a baby, I wanted to cry. I did not. Pretty sure he did that trigger shit on purpose. He was less than a foot away from my face when he yelled it as loud as he could. He knew it’d terrify me. He knew. All he had to do was change his tone and play it off as him being silly, quirky, cool-type-of-crazy him.. So I calmed down on the inside maybe..half an hour later.
Other than that- We played Trivial Pursuit, card games, and a few other things. We laughed, played multiple games with his family for hours. I felt completely comfortable around them, and extremely happy.
I felt much better about 'us' than I had just two weeks prior when he shocked me and broke my heart out of nowhere acting like a completely different person. He had explained that away though..He said he had gotten drunk.. and for a good reason, supposedly. He claimed someone else had died, by suicide, just as his father had in February. I understood..He is human after all, and he just lost his father a few months ago in that same manner! Plus, the COVID and quarantine, and now this death of a fellow Marine/dear friend who had saved his life! I felt a great deal of compassion and pity for my man. I cared. I was concerned. I only wanted to care for him, support him, and love him.
He told me it was an amazing day and evening. It really was..all things considered(hurt ankle). I loved him. After everyone left or went to bed, it was just the two of us in the kitchen. He got into deep conversation mode(him talking mostly).
He apologized for shouting, saying he didn't realize I had never played before. He said that he knew he was being somewhat of an asshole throughout the evening, but it was only because he was hurting so badly from his injury. He said that was still no excuse, and that he was very sorry..
He told me that he was really glad I came over. That he would never count that week without out me as a breakup when he told people about our status. As he spoke to me, he made numerous references to us as a married couple in the future-as if it were a given.
As he continued to talk about how much he enjoyed the evening, and how much his family liked me, he said "I expected you to be nervous all night, but you were amazing! Everyone loved you, you fit right in and got along so well with everybody. My mom REALLY likes you." "Thank you so much Erinn, I know I haven't made things easy over the past few months..but I really appreciate you being so understanding through it all, and for forgiving me. Thank you for being patient with me. I really really like you..like, I want to have babies with you. I know that is scary and overwhelming but I just.."
..He hadn't broken eye contact, he was usually so smooth with his words and he seemed nervous as he fumbled for the right ones in that moment..so I interrupted him with a passionate kiss to shut him up and let him know I understood what he was trying to say. He held my hands, kissed my forehead and spoke to me in a manner and tender tone unlike any I had ever heard from him before. I felt incredibly safe and happy that night. I was convinced he was in love with me, because that evening, it truly felt like he was. His face looked like he was. The way he held me and spoke to me felt more sincere than ever. I thought that everything was finally fine.
When it was time for me to head home a few hours later, he walked (or tried to with that hurt ankle) to my car. He stopped me, and gave me the strongest and longest hug. He told me to let him know when I made it home safely. I swear, I felt like I loved this man with my entire heart and soul.
We didn't talk much the next three days..only a few texts. As in, less than ten between the two of us, and most were from me. BUT, on the third day he invited me to have another game night, and this time it would be with his brother. The same brother he always said he respected and was his best friend. He said he couldn't wait for him to meet me. I was once more, elated. More time with him??!
After how much he had ignored and hurt me in the past. Things were really turning around for us! I was soaring.
In preparation for the game night, I baked SO MANY cookies. I could not wait to spend more time with D.B. and his family!
Yup. I still have a pic of the cake-cookies I made to bring over. I have all our crud in the hidden folder. Well, I deleted most of it, but not the cookies! lol
The following day, I met him at his place and we rode together to a close relative's home that had a tennis court in the backyard. We laughed and had fun. After a few matches, D.B. almost broke his ankle, it became terribly swollen in tender. I was so sad for him because we were all having so much fun.
Later on he yelled "PLAY!" in a tone that scared me while playing cards because he didn't like how long I was taking. He knew how much yelling freaked me out..I’d told him. It shook be. I automatically went into fight or flight mode..Well, I froze and felt terrified as my heart was about to pound right out of my chest. I couldn’t move for a second when he started hurrying me to play a card again right after yelling. I’m a baby, I wanted to cry. I did not. Pretty sure he did that trigger shit on purpose. He was less than a foot away from my face when he yelled it as loud as he could. He knew it’d terrify me. He knew. All he had to do was change his tone and play it off as him being silly, quirky, cool-type-of-crazy him.. So I calmed down on the inside maybe..half an hour later.
Other than that- We played Trivial Pursuit, card games, and a few other things. We laughed, played multiple games with his family for hours. I felt completely comfortable around them, and extremely happy.
After how much he had ignored and hurt me in the past. Things were really turning around for us! I was soaring.
June 12 (Fri.)Meet the Brother
I got to his Mother's. When I walked in I could smell something delicious. She had slow-cooked some pork roast. I learned that day that their family did biscuits and gravy more than rice and gravy. I had never. I felt special when he began to fix my plate for me. He was aggravated his brother was 'late.' But I was beyond content sitting next to him as he scarfed down his huge plate of food. Being around him, it felt right. I felt like I was home.
We hung out for a few minutes before his brother arrived. We had a great time. And he drew some funny things during Pictionary. LOVED those family game nights. We had another great night. He was a little annoyed because a friend of the family showed up and occupied his mom for a few hours. But once all that settled down, everything was perfection.
His brother told me I was the first girl he had ever introduced to the family EVER..and that it was a big deal. After they left, he and I watched Kevin Heart in his room for a few hours. We laughed so much, he pulled me over to him and snuggled against me. He, once more, seemed happy and expressed to me how thrilled he was that he finally got to introduce me to his brother. He'd been talking about wanting me to meet him for months, because he said his brother was very important to him. His best friend.
He told me to drive carefully, and text him once I made it home.
I did.
He didn't respond.
He didn't text, call, or respond to me for FIVE consecutive days after that game night. Not. even. once.
I got to his Mother's. When I walked in I could smell something delicious. She had slow-cooked some pork roast. I learned that day that their family did biscuits and gravy more than rice and gravy. I had never. I felt special when he began to fix my plate for me. He was aggravated his brother was 'late.' But I was beyond content sitting next to him as he scarfed down his huge plate of food. Being around him, it felt right. I felt like I was home.
I did.
He didn't respond.
He didn't text, call, or respond to me for FIVE consecutive days after that game night. Not. even. once.
June 18 (Thurs.)Pity/ Mentions Ex
On the sixth day after the game night..(which had been within the same week in which he convinced me I was his future wife..) He called. HE CALLED! He would never call.
I was so miserable and confused as to why he had stopped talking to me after such a great week..So when I saw him calling I got butterflies.
I had tried so hard to wait patiently. Because, once more, he always said if he was quiet it had nothing to do with us, and that he was going through something. I answered his call. He told me he was sorry for ghosting me and that he needed to talk to me when he was going through a tough time instead of shutting me out.
He said Father's Day was fast approaching (in two days) and that it was his first Father's Day since his dad's death. He went on to say that Father's day was always difficult for him because of the deceased daughter(which nobody in his family knew about..Suspicious eh?), but now it was going to be a double-whammy and he was struggling. He said he wanted to drink so badly, and was trying not to.
He also said the one person he wanted to talk to was too busy writing dissertations-his brother. But then he said his brother told him he needed to talk to me about these sort of things. I talked to him, supported him.
Out of nowhere, he suddenly brought up Rose (the ex girlfriend that he broke up with me/ripped my heart out over barely a month prior) He said she was bothering him. He claimed she kept messaging him, that she was highly manipulative, and was using his deceased daughter and father as an excuse to talk to him. (I'm sure it was the other way around now that I know him better.)
He claimed he told her to stop contacting him and to move on like he had. He told me he was happy with me. He then went on to say she was 'picking at him' and that I knew how much he hated multiple message but she kept reaching out through Instagram.
He said "I'm telling you because I care about you and don't want you to see her name pop up on my phone while we are watching a movie and get all upset."
I said "Those types of websites have a feature to BLOCK someone." He responded "That they do."
I apologized for focusing on what was upsetting me when his issues where so much more important. He said my feelings mattered too. I felt..he must truly care then and mean it.
I then asked why she'd be contacting him at all. That she was the catalyst to our painful breakup in May and that I was not ok with him keeping her in his life after all the horrible things he said about her being priority and why he left the last three girlfriends. IT WAS TOO MUCH. Read Discard#1 to get why.
The hurt from the recent breakup was too much. He had convinced me and said I was the one he wanted, that he wanted us to be married in the near future, that he wished I were pregnant..etc etc.
He had said Rose was nothing to him when he begged for me back, that he was just drunk and trying to be an asshole. He claimed he couldn't even remember doing what he did to me..he'd supposedly been drinking a lot to mourn the suicide of a marine who saved his life once. So then why would he not be able to cut off contact with her??? He said he likely would block because she was causing problems with our relationship. Likely?
He said, "You know I have a big heart. She cares about me. And she knows a lot. She knows so much already. When we were in contact, she knew a lot about me, A LOT."
I said "Well, whoever you end up with will know you better and longer by the time you're and old man, unless you keep her around!" "You really hurt me with the break up and the way you gushed talking about her, I will never be ok with this." ( I DARED TO SET A REASONABLE BOUNDARY?)
He assured me, it would be fine, that he was happy with me, that she was the only one who hadn't moved on. He also said "This is going to opposite of how I wanted it to go.." I apologized and focused back on him. I told him my feelings did matter, but at this moment with all he was going through, I cared about his more.
He acted like we were fine, he said "I'll contact you Monday, maybe Tuesday." Keep in mind he was telling me this on a Thursday the 18th...
The slideshow below
is what I wrote when he decided to stonewall me for over a week after bringing up his ex girlfriend that caused our previous breakup. I was just starting to heal from that incident. Geeze.. He made everything so difficult and painful, then called my responses too dramatic, crazy, and blame pushing?? He is incredibly antagonistic.🤦🏻♀️
June 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27Stonewalling
No contact..Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday Friday, Saturday..
That Wednesday I did send a text that night saying "I'm worried." He never responded..
That Saturday I sent a long loving text about being there for him and apologized for contacting him when I said I wouldn't. That I'd be there for him when he was ready blah blah blah. I sent that text because I was concerned, confused, hurting.
Finally, on Sunday he sent a text "We need to talk." I waited...Nothing.
Monday, MONDAY (11 days in) he called. Would you like to guess how that went?
Oh, when I answered the phone he laughed while asking "You good, man?"
As if the few texts I sent him about over the span of 11 days were 'too much', he knew I was stressed, worried, and confused.. So, naturally, he scoffed at me. Ha ha...? (Silly little me- again. He was acting like talking to me like I was an idiot was adorable..Like he thought I was clueless and it was funny and cute to him..that's how he played it off.)
After that. I asked how he was and he kindly informed me that he had been PERFECTLY FINE for the entire week, including on Father's Day.
...
So, he had left me in the stressful hell of ZERO communication for over a week FOR NO REASON, after telling me he was worried he was about to have an alcoholic relapse, that he was very upset, AND that he had his ex girlfriend that caused our last breakup talking to him..
WHAT. IN. THE. ACTUAL. HELL!?!?
He had told me the last time we spoke, that he would be out of communication because of all he was struggling with.
He'd claimed he was in such a difficult, dark place that he couldn't even speak to me.. I was worried sick about him, and eventually became insecure too.
YET THIS MAN WAS NOW TELLING ME HE'D BEEN DOING GREAT AND PLAYING GAMES WITH THE BOYS, BUT HE STILL HAD NOT CONTACTED ME FOR OVER A WEEK STRAIGHT??? NOT EVEN ONCE!? ..FOR WHAT REASON?!?
Horrible...Shame on him. Maybe if he actually let himself feel shame for the wrongs HE does, instead of projecting them onto other people, he'd stop doing so many horrible things. Dammit..
No contact..Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday Friday, Saturday..
He'd claimed he was in such a difficult, dark place that he couldn't even speak to me.. I was worried sick about him, and eventually became insecure too.
June 30 (Tues.)He Has Another Epiphany
He apologized as he told me he had grand realizations of his improper actions..
He also said, "What kind of girlfriend wants a boyfriend that only texts her two times within two weeks. That's weak!" After a long pause he said "Of me, I mean." Right..
He said he had been talking to his mom a lot. He unloaded such beautiful, engulfing promises and declarations. He told me he knew he had been putting me on the back burner, that he was not putting as much into the relationship as I was. He said he knew that I was giving and giving, and that he needed to give now too. He said it was all going to change.
He said that he was going to try something with me that he never did with any other woman before. He then stated that he hated being vulnerable but was with me and was going to be honest with me and talk to me.
He told me, "I have commitment issues. I mean, you're not stupid, you know that. But I am telling you. You see, I when I was younger my marriage actually ended because I was emotionally and verbally abusive to my ex wife and her daughter, so I'm a little gun shy on all of this. I never imagined myself getting married again. I didn't think I ever would."
He said he wanted to fall in love with me because I was such a good person, but that he was terrified. He told me he had never dated anyone who was marriage material before and he hated being this vulnerable, but that he knew we were going places. He told me we were going to make it..
He said that it was going to take a lot of effort on his part, but that we. were. going. to. make. it. We were going to be forever. He had a vision of our lives together and would tell me that was where'd we'd end up- Married, with a few kids in a shitty house. He would speak about it like he wanted that more than anything else in the world..and then he'd change-
The thing is..I did not know he had commitment issues.
On our first date, that lasted all night he acted like he was more ready for love and marriage than anyone! He rushed our attachment and the seriousness of our relationship.. He asked me to be with him, to be his girlfriend..I didn't peruse him. He said he wanted more.
When we first got together, on our first real date, he said he was going to fall in love with me within a few weeks..started talking about our future together way too soon..about my son being protected by him..about having children..about marrying me..and on and on..NOW,(months in, after I'd fallen in love with him), he was saying he didn't want that..That he was scared of that?
He said he was just throwing walls up..I had read all those PTSD books to be considerate of him, I had read stuff about combat veterans having intimacy issues and whatnot..I rationalized it all-again. I wasn't thinking clearly, all I knew is that I had been hurting so badly waiting for him and so desperate for the confusion and pain to stop- So, as soon as he spoke to me and said anything even remotely caring, I was his.
I was completely oblivious that I was entrapped in an abusive cycle. I knew I was more stressed than I'd felt in many years, that he hurt my feelings and I was confused and anxious all of the time now..But, I mean..He only cursed at me a little, accused me frequently, ignored me often, lied to me/ contradicted himself some, neglected me always... But he was good! Right!??
I was so far gone..I rationalized everything in his favor. I just..I didn't know why I was so lost and hurting so so much. I wish I could adequately do the torment he inflicted upon me justice through my words, but I can't. This website is me trying to do so.
While my head was still spinning from him suddenly saying he never thought he was going to get married..which had me immediately taken aback because if he truly thought that..then everything he said on the first date was a lie.. Before I could fully process that painful line of thought, he asked to see me. We saw each other that night, June 30th.
It was strange how on June 8th he had said he knew what we were, where we were going, that he wanted to marry me and have children, that I was amazing, that he appreciated all I withstood from him while he got himself together..Yet on June 30th he was explaining his commitment issues and fear of love??
The 1st, 2nd & 3rd, he didn't talk to me except to send one message, "Bad time at work and bad brain day"
On the 4th of July he called me and invited me to see him on the 5th to spend all day with him at his brother's house for another family game night.
I was once more, put out of my misery. I was so happy, things were going to go back to how amazing they felt in early June.
He apologized as he told me he had grand realizations of his improper actions..
When we first got together, on our first real date, he said he was going to fall in love with me within a few weeks..started talking about our future together way too soon..about my son being protected by him..about having children..about marrying me..and on and on..NOW,(months in, after I'd fallen in love with him), he was saying he didn't want that..That he was scared of that?
July 5 (Sun.)
(3 days before the discard)Stronger Than Ever
We spent over 12 hours together on July 5th. I met him at his mother's and we drove out to his brother's house. We jammed out to his music, laughed, sang together, talked. We had a great time with his brother, sister-in-law, six year old nephew, and his mom. We played games, ate, talked. His brother kept referring to me as his wife, and D.B. as my husband. His little nephew called my Aunt Erinn. D.B. joked about the kid planning our wedding. He smiled at me, bought me a snow cone.
I didn't think they were literally sure we'd get married or anything already, but It made it feel like they thought I was at least going to be around awhile. D.B. made it seem it was inevitable that I'd end up permanent fixture in his life...That's what he said he wanted.
I was comfortable and happy by his side. He sat by me, laid by me. He held my hand. He walked up behind me and held me a few times. He playfully popped my backside as I got into his Jeep. Everything felt right. Normal. Happy.
We laughed and drove to his mother's house. He said he was extremely tired from the 4th of July because the fireworks had kept him up all night..(Ya know, because of his combat PTSD he supposedly has from ten consecutive years of combat as a Marine). He told me I could stay and watch shows with his mom while he napped for about an hour. I asked if he was sure that's what he wanted, because I was his guest after all. He said, "You're not a guest, you're my girlfriend." He smiled and went upstairs.
I hung out with his very sweet mom, we watched Grey's Anatomy and chatted for a little over an hour. She asked about my family. His mom told me she couldn't wait for me to meet certain family members! She was so excited! Her smile was so big that her cheeks almost made her smiley eyes disappear for a moment.
She told me he was in a really bad place when I met him. She also mentioned how while earlier that day, when I went with his young nephew into his room, D.B. asked them to be quiet so he could enjoy listening to me speak and play with the child. I really loved his mom's company. I enjoyed all the people I met from his family.
I was about to leave, but I heard D.B. making his way downstairs. He looked at us and laughed. He asked us if we were having fun. He looked truly happy, almost giddy like a child who had just finally gotten something they'd always wanted. He told his mom he'd give her my number so she could have a Grey's Anatomy buddy.
He and I went upstairs and watched a show. When the show ended he started to walk me out, but we managed to end up back upstairs. After we were up there for a bit, he asked about my family and their thoughts on everything.(on 'us') What they thought about us being back together. I was honest with him and that they were worried because what he had done before, the way he ended the relationship and what it did to me. He apologized, and said they'd be able to see with time that things were going to be different, and how it was going to be much better.
He said that what he did when he broke my heart in May was never going to happen again. He told me "You don't have to worry about that. It's not going to happen." He firmly and kindly reassured me that he was NEVER going to put me through something like that again.
He said that it was him that did that to me, but that it wasn't really him..He asked if I told my family about the Marine's suicide and his drinking. He said he knew it wasn't great, but at least it was the truth. I told him I had.
I also told him that I was scared, but that it didn't matter what anyone thought because, "It's too late anyway, I'm already invested." He squeezed me closer to him and then held me.
Finally, things had taken a wonderful turn for the better, just like they had done in early June at the first family game night.
I was starting to feel safe. I actually felt sure, and like our relationship was strengthening.
He let me know he wanted me to always feel like I could speak freely with him about anything.
We had seen each other more times within a month than we had for the first half of our relationship. Which was big deal for us after the two months of zero seeing one another during quarantine.
We were now talking more..
I was so excited about our date on July 5th because I had started getting scared again due to the days of no communication popping up again..(19th- 27th) after he said they wouldn't.
I never knew which him I was supposed to be addressing.. or if I could address him at all without dire consequences…Then he’d extended this invite, and we had a wonderful time! Which, of course made me very happy and hugely relieved.
Everything seemed..great.
I was madly in love with my difficult-but 'improving' boyfriend/ relationship. HE WAS WORTH IT. I wanted him, and to be there for him. I'd never loved a man as deeply as I loved D.B. Or, at least as deeply as I loved the lies.
We had had such an amazing day on the 5th!
We had more dates together in June and July than phone calls from March through May. It was better.
(3 days before the discard)
We spent over 12 hours together on July 5th. I met him at his mother's and we drove out to his brother's house. We jammed out to his music, laughed, sang together, talked. We had a great time with his brother, sister-in-law, six year old nephew, and his mom. We played games, ate, talked. His brother kept referring to me as his wife, and D.B. as my husband. His little nephew called my Aunt Erinn. D.B. joked about the kid planning our wedding. He smiled at me, bought me a snow cone.
She told me he was in a really bad place when I met him. She also mentioned how while earlier that day, when I went with his young nephew into his room, D.B. asked them to be quiet so he could enjoy listening to me speak and play with the child. I really loved his mom's company. I enjoyed all the people I met from his family.
He seemed happy.
He said he was very happy.
We were solid.
He said he knew exactly what he wanted. (Me.. ‘us’)
He said that he and I were going to keep getting better, and get married. Yet, this was less than three full days before he'd abandon me on his own birthday.
—The most painful discard and experience that this entire website is going to explain...I'm going to try my best to do it justice. It was devastating, debilitating. No matter the illusion he had me believing, it was real for me..
Regardless of the unsteady state my mental health had slipped into from his psychological abuse..I was fully invested. I loved and believed in him completely.
I only wanted him to be happy. I tried. I exhausted every fiber of myself trying to do right by him. I gave him all I had- All of my time, consideration, compassion, desire, truth, attention, mercy, energy, body, effort- But it was NEVER ENOUGH.
I only wanted him to be happy. I tried. I exhausted every fiber of myself trying to do right by him. I gave him all I had- All of my time, consideration, compassion, desire, truth, attention, mercy, energy, body, effort- But it was NEVER ENOUGH.
July 6th & 7th
It was time for me to head home. He told me to let him know when I made it home. It was the end of over twelve hours straight together, and several of those had been with his family. That was the 5th, and technically the 6th too, because I didn't leave his house until well after 1:00am. The following day, he was quiet. In the morning I sent him a text saying I had a really nice time, along with a picture of the dress I had worn the day before being stitched up, because he popped a button off of it the day before. That message said I was now ready for next time we hung out (with a reinforced dress buttons.) He texted back, "It was good fun, I like spending time with you and my family." He didn't talk to me for the remainder of the day. Not a single message. There was a time which I always tried to text him, but I knew better now. I had learned my lesson prior, to not do that.. He would either ignore me, or attack me for speaking and feeling 'incorrectly.' So, I knew to just wait and hope, to see whatever he decided to grace me with that day or week.
The following afternoon, on July 7th, he sent a text stating "I'm struggling in this relationship with wanting to and being able to open up about my inner demons. He said, and thinking about doing it "is really upsetting to me." I responded kindly, as usual. Telling him it was alright, and to take his time. Told that I was happy with him doing what he had been doing with just a little bit at a time. I said I'd be patient with him, and that I was here for it either way. I even told him something stupid like, I will be here for it even if you choose to never share it all. I told him that I'd be there if he ever chose to share, and that I did hope one day he would..(I was stoked that he was open enough to share that he wasn't able to be open. If it had only been that message I wouldn't have worried later on that night.) He responding saying that he had never shared it with anyone and " I don't plan to start now."
I sent him funny picture of part of his birthday card, to try to make him laugh or give him something else to think about so he didn't have to feel so much pressure about what was making him unhappy. The card had some little inside jokes on it and was cute. And he never said anything again for the remainder of the afternoon and evening.
Around 10:30pm the same evening my intuition was making me uncomfortable because of him saying he didn't 'plan to start now.' I was bothered. I usually suffocated my gut feelings because he said they were wrong and crazy. I was concerned that maybe nothing had actually changed.. He had just said he was going to do things so differently with me a few days prior... I was pretty afraid he had completely changed his mind on all the amazing ways in which he had declared he was going to change regarding how he treated me and our communication. He'd tell me I could speak to him without fear, that he wanted us to have open communication..
So, I told him what was weighing on my mind. I felt so stressed out and afraid. I spent at least an hour crafting my text message to make sure my intent and tone was obvious and not angry.
THAT TEXT STATED THE FOLLOWING:
‘I said how much I really cared about him. I told him he didn't have to open up now, that I understood completely, but that when he said " I don't plan to start now" sounded so definite, like it will always be that way. I even said, ' I'm not sure I actually understood that the right way, that's why I am wanting to talk to you about it. I am simply worried because I don't want to be on the outside forever. I can wait. I just want to know it isn't permanent. I'm tired of the nights of being so sad, lonely, and confused..of not knowing if I actually matter to you. I'm tired of feeling insignificant when you don't respond to me, or talk to me for days. And after the lack of talking since our day with your family, and then the text about not wanting to open up, I just got worried that you changed you mind. Please just let me know I am wrong, and it you haven't changed your mind about all you said you were going to do, how you said you were going to do things differently with me, in a way you never have with a girlfriend before by actually trying and trusting enough to be open.. I just want to know things are going to be alright, and that I simply took things the wrong way. You told me I could be honest with you and talk about feelings now, so I hope this doesn't make you angry, just wanting to know everything is ok and will go the way you said it would.’
He ignored that text..even though he was the one who opened that can of worms and not his heart. Too soon? Hours later I decided I was probably just being too sensitive and worrying about nothing..everything was fine. I knew I mattered to him, he cared. He had to, right?
After what happened next, it is obvious that all of my fears/feelings were well warranted..
Writing originally included within The Discard page (Regarding the text sent the night before he discarded me) :
I was being honest about my fears and told him I was only needing his reassurance. He had said he was struggling with opening up and that it was upsetting him. When I sent compassionate responses, he responded stating that he had never shared his inner thoughts and "I don't plan to start now." To me that sounded so final, and like he had completely changed his stance on how he had said (JUST SAID during his last speech on 6/30) our communication was going improve big time, and that he was going to do things differently with me, different than how he had ever been with every other girlfriend he's ever had.
He had just said he thought he could trust me and that we would be different because this time he was going to "actually try." I still responded calmly, didn't push. Sent something cute. He never responded.
He never really talked to me, I don't know why I believed and hoped it was improving. I was always stuck trying to make sense of things, because they usually didn't. So that is why late that same night I started stressing.
The anxiety had me pretty uneasy. I wasn't angry. I was nervous, in the dark with him-as always. I didn't know where I currently stood, what was going on..because there was no healthy communication between us-because he would just refuse to respond, call, answer my calls.
He never would act like he actually wanted to have conversations with me. I had believed ALL OF THAT was going to change, he had just said it wasn't going to be him ignoring me and blocking me out with his 'walls' anymore. I was certain of my love for him, but when he fell silent I would still get scared due to the past.
Back to the point..
That evening when I sent him the text-I just wanted him to let me know everything was ok, that he had meant all the wonderful things he said about doing things differently with me, and that I was worrying for nothing.
Before I fell asleep I was convinced that everything was fine, I was just nervous because of what happened in May(Discard 1). I fell asleep knowing everything was alright, he'd set me straight-we were great, he was great. I was in love. I said in the morning text that we'd fret about that another day, that no matter what, I was glad he was in my life and that I wanted to celebrate his birthday without him having any worries. I told him how much he meant to me. My needing reassurance and admitting I was afraid the night before(after the mess from that last break up, and many contradictions) shouldn't have been something to cause him to hate me, regardless.
I worded my messages so carefully too. I was ridiculously cautious and kind with how I worded all of my texts about my thoughts and feelings. I meant what I said, I wasn't worrying about it that day because all of my focus was on him having the day he wanted.
I wanted him to be happy, and had no desire to hinder that.
Honestly, all I wanted was to love him. I did. I tried my best to do right by him. I had kept all that love to myself for a long time. I was going to do everything in my power to treat him right and be a fair, honest, fun, loving and passionate partner..but it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough for him..even though sometimes he accused me of being way too much.
After what happened next, it is obvious that all of my fears/feelings were well warranted..
The anxiety had me pretty uneasy. I wasn't angry. I was nervous, in the dark with him-as always. I didn't know where I currently stood, what was going on..because there was no healthy communication between us-because he would just refuse to respond, call, answer my calls.
I couldn't find the final copy, but I found the rough rough draft of what I put on top of his letters( part of his birthday bag/gift.)