Hoover 4
(Jan. 31 2021 - Feb. 4,2021)
He implemented the stonewalling/discard on 2/4. My birthday is 2/8. š
He had told me he'd still be here on that day to prove he was serious this time around. He claimed he had a great gift for me. I told him no man had ever gotten me anything for my birthday. He said I would really like it, and that he was excited. I bet he didn't get me anything. He just wanted to get my hopes up, so he could let me down
He had told me he'd still be here on that day to prove he was serious this time around. He claimed he had a great gift for me. I told him no man had ever gotten me anything for my birthday. He said I would really like it, and that he was excited. I bet he didn't get me anything. He just wanted to get my hopes up, so he could let me down
Sections:
- Pathetic
- His Push & Pull
- My Breakdowns
- He 'Loved' Me / I Snapped
I sent him an email letting him know I wasnāt wanting to return to my therapist's office because his threat to show up there at random (in an attempt to shame me) ruined the mental and emotional security I need. I told him I was supposed to feel safe there. I also wrote that I'd never try to hurt him back because I have actual love for him.
His exact response was- "Lol. You're so pathetic."
That was my place to recover from past trauma, and from his abuse as well. I saw so much in him, now he seems empty. I get mad, but I feel guilt, even when I shouldn't, and I would never seek revenge or belittle his overall worth.
I didnāt respond with great class when I saw what he called me. I was hurt and fed up. Maybe he just wanted a reaction. He got one, an angry email. Would you like to guess what happened next? I felt sick about it, because the thought that maybe he can feel sad..and I hurt him with my scathing words..I was mad, but I donāt want him to hurt. So I sent an apology email š¤¦š»āāļø I canāt do it. I canāt act poorly without remorse. I always regret it.. I should probably be mean and leave it at that sometimes. I donāt think his feelings can be hurt, or really exist.. but just in case they do and they can beāI donāt want to intentionally cause harm.
If not wanting to hurt someone, being willing to own my mistakes, and actually caring is patheticāthen yeah, I am so pathetic.
His Push & Pull
His cruel game of back and forth went like this, all within less than one week:
I obviously enjoy creative writing, so I wrote this from his perspectiveā
FROM I miss you and want you so badly
TO I have zero interest in you
FROM you're everything and I'll do anything
TO I'm too busy and you're being unreasonable by asking for what you want instead of only focusing on, and contorting around my sensitivities, needs, and set rules.
FROM it was ALL my fault; I hope you can forgive me
TO you need to stop blaming me for everything and take a look at yourself!
FROM you're wonderful and kind
TO you're crazy and pathetic.
FROM I understand it will be difficult and take a lot of time, but I'm all in!
TO I can't deal with this on top of everything else I have going on.
FROM I want us to get married and have children
TO I will gladly and easily never speak to you again, because I don't want to have to work too hard through challenges I created for us, regardless of everything you've done for me and are more than willing to do. Being with me is tremendously easy and rewarding, so you can't seriously think I'd go out of my way to do something I don't want to do solely for you.
FROM I know you only expect to speak with me at reasonable times
TO I will insinuate you selfishly expect me to call and text you while at I'm at work, and that you're asking me to drop all of my responsibilities for you.
FROM I don't want you to ever feel that way again, I just want you to be happy
TO I will deny you true communication by avoiding the topic that you clearly stated is very important to you and has you upset. Then I'll cut off communication completely when you notice the shift and insist on having an honest, productive discussion with me like I promised you would be able to do this time around, and last time too.
AND LASTLY,
FROM I want it to be different this time and not be someone who makes you constantly worry about the next time I'm going to lash out or take off. You're important to me and I love the shit out of you!
TO I'll judge you for being triggered by my blatant avoidance after you directly told me what you needed from me-which I denied you, even though I'd just spoken adamantly about my determination to provide it.
You aren't worth my effort, so I'll refuse to say a single word. I'll respond patronizingly to you being highly reactive to a situation in which I 'innocently' recreated exactly what I know caused you the most traumatic pain in our past. I'll deny forgiveness when you apologize for panicking as a result, and then continue stonewalling you.
Afterwards, I'll act shocked when it sets you off even more and you begin to spiral..I'll only focus on your feelings in respect to how they impact ME. I'll be much too busy feeling slighted or annoyed to realize that the initiating issue was not an attack from you at all, but insensitive comments and a refusal to compromise on my part. I'll ignore ALL OF THAT because the conflict could've only arisen and spun out of control because you're selfish and crazy.
You couldn't help but to randomly act out again. Just something else that went wrong in my life for no reason at all. I'll be forced to put you back where you belong, in lower rank. You went crazy on me, like all my partners have and all my future ones will. It could've been so simple if you'd just done things in a way that would've produced exactly what I wanted! Clueless, as always..
I can't let your perspective, which I don't care about, be valid, because that would mean I'd have to reflect on my own..that much introspection isn't my jam, instead I'll unleash all my inner rage(which has nothing to do with you) to show you who's really wrong.
It isn't inconvenient to lose or mistreat nothing, so I'll make sure that's exactly what I think you are. If you're nothing, that means the relationship ending is of no consequence to me.
I devalue anything I fear I can't control, have, or understand, by turning it into something I don't want and that I'm far too good for, just like I did with you.
END- How'd I do y'all?
"If you're being sarcastic, you're trying to make sure that the other person knows that you really think the opposite. It's a direct expression, and you're expecting the other party to realize right away what you really mean.
With passive aggression, you're indirectly expressing yourself. Passive-aggression can be defined as anger, hostility, and/or learned helplessness in disguise, expressed in covert ways to 'even the score' and gain an underhanded advantage."
With passive aggression, you're indirectly expressing yourself. Passive-aggression can be defined as anger, hostility, and/or learned helplessness in disguise, expressed in covert ways to 'even the score' and gain an underhanded advantage."
My Breakdowns
He's right, I did spew out "insane" desperate rants.
By the way sir, many people appreciate and enjoy my rants, which is why my webpage is still active so..Pshh! I don't need your validation to know my strong emotions, logic, and panicky breakdowns make perfect sense in this type of situation. The fact that my writings take a lot of deep thought, rational analyzations, and vulnerability does not mean they're pathetic. It just means you do not care about the topic, my thoughts, and are hateful towards me when you decide I deserve to hurt..AKA-your punishment.
If writing it all out to see my thought process was/is not stupid, crazy, or selfish like you always told me it was-then that's exactly what I'm going to do.
I discuss those odd, intense rants, and what lead up to them, below this section. He knows very well that I work on my own faults, and that I'm constantly too hard on myself already. I was not the damaging partner while we dated, and I do hold him accountable for his abusive behavior. In the past I blamed myself. But after his birthday, I realized that throughout the entire relationship I had been mistreated, then grossly mistreated further anytime I'd try to discuss and resolve issues created by the original mistreatment. So if by blaming him for everything, he means I think he is responsible for all of the chaos in our relationship, the abuse, and the damage it caused... Then yes, I blame him, because he did it. And if he'd own that fact instead of twisting it around like me acknowledging reality is an offense to him, it would be productive and admirable
I have every right to 'point' because I am sick of being put down and blamed because he refuses to genuinely point at himself. It is not as though having faults makes someone worthless. I have always seen worth and strength in him-still do. We all have issues and make mistakes, but refusing to sincerely admit to yourself your errors and aspects of yourself in need of improvement..all that does is prevent growth and better future outcomes. Why settle for less for yourself, and also make everyone else suffer and settle for less too when some of your flaws happen to be incredibly damaging to others? I do not not understand. I want to. I always try to. Pointing at me for telling the truth, does not make me tragically flawed or mean I'm picking on him so he has to pick back. Even if I were a horrible, insane person-that would not make his abuse null or my fault.
Oh yes, I do ramble and rant(obviously). Because I have a lot to say about all of the cruel, illogical drama he created and then blamed me for to such an extent that I broke down. The points I make in my rants are rational and valid, just as they always were during our relationship too. The rants 'unloading' happened because he never listened to, cared about, or understood my perspective and the impact the confusion and his aggression had on me. OR because he acted like he didn't understand because he just did not care. Either way, my mind, my needs, my experiences were never acknowledged, respected, or considered..Well, they were acknowledged if I brought them up, he'd acknowledge them by twisting them into something wrong, absurd, and offensive to him. (As discussed perfectly here) So, there's that..
The entire website, including the call-recordings page, shows the extremely severe back and forth of the psychological abuse he unleashed and then blamed me for breaking down as a result of.
When he admits to the abuse, he acts like the impact it had on my came outr of nowhere and is conveniently all simply because I am crazy. Even though any research on the matter would show how targets are expected to react..And my intense behavior hits the mark. It's easy to find explanations if someone is curious.
Also, I have never, and will never, try to blackmail or humiliate him, especially with people who knows him. I do not include his first name nor try to contact anyone with recordings of him admitting to horrid things, and likely telling big falsehoods. I would never, because I have NO desire to hurt him. I actually loved him. How does he expect me to have no fear, paranoia, or anger after what he knows I am recovering from and of the detrimental impact it had on my mental health- which I've told him about explicitly multiple times? There is just no care, but he convinces me there is before yanking it away each time while saying I deserve the hurt he is dishing out..
Losing your temper is one thing, as is a mental breakdown or acting impulsively, but to intentionally set out to damage someone..No.
He jumped right at throwing that threat out, as if he hasn't harmed me enough. As if me going off about his mistreatment because it felt uncertain and like deja vu...Then me freaking out when he decided stonewalling wasn't an abusive selfish, triggering thing to do to someone recovering from psychological abuse (which frequently involved painful stonewalling after he'd incite a strong emotional hurt/stressor- like suddenly threatening departure right after sharing his desire to prove his determination to change was real and that he wanted to marry me) warrants punishment, or makes him the person in charge of teaching me a lesson.
He is not my parent, and telling me he's going to do something as a threat is additional abuse that further unveils the core issuesā His need for control and a sense of superiority. My therapist already knows about my rants and their bizarre nature. She specializes in domestic violence and assured me, when I talked about my guilt and shame for having acted in such a manner, that this type of huge response is to be expected and that many abuse victims through it. I still think I did wrong by being too harsh and not having enough self-control to stop when I was upset. I was so desperate for him to break the cruel silence.
I have no interest in harming him, embarrassing him, or ever speaking to him again. Him obviously trying to hurt me with his last text(again) made all the 'in love' feelings instantly vanish..so I appreciate it did some good.
He's the one who keeps coming back saying he knows it was all his fault and that he wants us to get married...then during his exits it suddenly is no longer his fault-it's my mental health's. He'll abuse any partner he ever has if he denies he is the merciless instigator, and eventually the people closest to him will catch on to the pattern. I always tried to build him up until he would break me down by only focusing on himself.
And for someone who said they recently brandished a gun at a red light (which is illegal) because some random driver was rude and pissed him off to then call me "f*cking crazy" for freaking out after a year of getting abused/toyed with, and then threaten to try to hurt me by sharing my personal texts I sent at my lowest point...is just cruel, hypocritical, and once more abusive behavior.
I despise his lack of both empathy and respect for others..and possibly his refusal to admit the reality of what and who causes these messes. Me pointing it out and not being ok with the fact that it seems to be happening again it is not me claiming to be perfect, I should never have responded to his text or email.
Hopefully I'll do better if there's a next time. But, the blame and shame for abuse does not belong on the target/victim-no matter how hard he tries to convince me otherwise. When I get ignored and treated horribly, I have the right to stand up for myself.
And yeah, when someone who hurt you, and has already left some traumatic scars on your psyche, returns and starts recreating the very same stuff they did to cause the original injury...yeah, it can make you temporarily lose your mind!
He cannot make me hate him or want bad things for him. He just can't. That isn't how I feel or think towards him, he just easily devalues/hates and discards me repeatedly. I'm done. The average is seven times..I'm good with five. Message received loud and clear D.B. You tore me apart, and now you hate ME- again.
I'm sorry you stay so angry. I am always miserable while triggered, and I fear you are in that state constantly. I hope it gets better for you, and that you are able to at least have and be content with something meaningful that helps settles your inner rage. You do not deserve to live feeling like everything and everyone is hostile towards you. You just don't..and neither did I.
He always leaves after expressing that I'm the problem, and that I'm unworthy of his time, kindness, or proper closure. He'll have to find another scapegoat and emotional punching bag. The fact that I care does not change the fact that he needs to stay gone.
I knew letting him back in was unhealthy, but denying D.B. feels like cutting off one of my own limbs. Guess it's time to amputate. :/
He "Loved" Me
When It Was Useful or Convenient
When It Was Useful or Convenient
I wrote out/ journaled all my emotional thoughts (provided at the bottom of this page) right before he did 'it' again. He wasn't the only one, I also pulled my usual mess too and desperately wanted what he declared he had for me. I expected to matter, and then freaked out and blew up his phone with bajillion texts when I felt he started treating me like I didn't. I was actually extremely angry and mean, I unleashed so much pent up rage. I feel horrible about it.
What made my brain start short-circuiting:
I asked him during three separate phone calls within two days if he wanted what he had recently declared he wanted and if he cared for me, and he told me he didn't have time to 'get into it.' So yeah, it didn't feel good.
I was upset because I told him that something had me scared and hurt, then his comments about it left me much more hurt and afraid. His feedback was just him saying how much it bothered him and how it was, once again, too much. He made it all about how what I was struggling with was causing him to struggle. He made it all about himself.
I always focused on him and still do, why is it bad when I expect him to consider me first sometimes, regardless of how it may bother him or may not be easy for him? Is that selfish and bad of me? Am I selfish too? Probably. But even though the lack of focus on my needs wasn't ideal, I still wouldn't have bailed or refused communication with him afterwards.
I asked him again that same night, then again when he called on break at work after the initial 'not getting into it.' So probably more than three times within two days ..Now I feel even more rejected and stupid.
I felt like he was gaslighting by insinuating my question was wrong, pushy, provoking when I knew very well it was not.
That tripped me out because it was a simple, understandable inquiry..so I snapped! I figured I fell for it again. I didn't think I was wrong about him, but I was hoping I was wrong.
I didn't expect him to talk to me while he was at work or have a five hour conversation. But I wanted a real conversation that didn't go in circles due to blocking/avoidance and lack of focus on more than his needs and frustrations would have been so productive.
You don't just leave a big conflict or problem floating up in the air and drag out the tension, negativity, and confusion.
That's not helpful or good at all! It is avoidance and puts the person trying to resolve the issue in a healthy manner/communication on high alert (fight or flight.) It is painful and prevents peace of mind(safety). You can make time to return a call before bed for something that is important..for someone.
He texted around midnight saying he'd been playing games with the boys and was going to bed in a good mood. I felt so unimportant and hurt. I wasn't alright that we never resolved the issue..not even a little bit and he knew I was hurt and heard me crying hours prior. I couldn't understand how he didn't care that I was so upset and was able to just go enjoy himself and sleep instead of fix things with me with a simple conversation. It reminded me of being pushed aside and not considered in the past. It reminded me of how he used to create bigger more painful conflicts in the past by trying to avoid the original conflict that we could've easily settled š¤¦š»āāļø.
OK, back to my spazzing out rage thing-
Maybe I am wrong..but the thing is, I forgave him for much worse.. So if he meant all he said he wanted and felt, him refusing forgiveness for my outburst doesn't make sense at all.
It always ends up not making sense with what I want to believe about him, doesn't it? Why can't I fully accept it then? Why do I want to be wrong and for him to be right.. I fell for it again everyone..I keep falling for it. It hurts. It is not alright.
I don't want to feel like a conquest or someone in a never ending game of tug of war.
I want to be strong enough to shut him out if he truly does not ,or cannot, care. I'm just trying to understand what is going on while in a major brain fog. I'm likely right, but me being a major butt was wrong. I'm not going to lie about when I fall, that's a big part of this webpage..to provide an honest look into the impact psychological abuse has on cognitive function..(even after the abuse has ended) It isn't simple to accept or to heal from, but it's possible-it can just get pretty ugly sometimes.š¤·š»āāļø
Healing from the past takes time, and building trust takes patience, reassurance, and commitment..something this gentleman has displayed zero interest in providing.
If he runs when I expect him to stand by his big beautiful words, or when I expect the same curtesy in regards to forgiveness, effort, and consideration. I will learn eventually.
I mean, when you tell them all you need is them to answer a question or say what they just said days before to settle your mind.. That means they know their response holds a lot of power.. So why would they not provide what will help the other person??
I don't feel great and certain now. But he is stonewalling me. You don't go from love of someone's life and a couple's therapy session, to refusing all communication for days. I was wrong in how I handled my anger..and I know his past abuse doesn't make it ok for me to lash out too.
1/28/2021:
You checked in today D.B., just two days after I started this page. Welcome back? I know I am not strong enough to ignore you, or weak enough to hate you..but Iām fighting for myself now-instead of solely for you. I hope that knowing you still have power when it comes to my emotions helps you feel whatever it is you need to get through your day..if thatās all you want. Iām going to be ok. I know I shouldnāt respond to you, but Iām just not there yet. Iām not good at not caring about you, kind of wish some of your indifference wouldāve rubbed off on me by now. Iām tired of getting hurt.
1/30:
As soon as I speak to you again I see that good in you that I thought I saw in the past all over again, and then all of my big talk and strength collapsesš¤¦š»āāļøš Have mercy. Please.