Blame-shifting
What's likely to happen is that, under attack, the target will resort to old default positions such as apologizing to or trying to placate the abuser. Inevitably, she'll revert to another old learned behavior which is self-blame. That is, of course, what the controlling narcissist wants.
The smoke and mirrors the narcissist surrounds you with to blame-shift as they deliberately provoke you and then shame you for setting boundaries or speaking out are meant as diversions.
- Why Narcissists Can't Accept Blame
- Escaping Responsibility
- 5 Forms of Blame-shifting
- 13 Ways Narcissists Shift Blame
- Always Someone Else's Fault
- Exploiting the Power Disparity
- Narcissistic Projection + Example
Why Narcissists Can't Accept Blame
Through the blame-shifting, they never learn how to take accountability, and this maintains their unhealthy way of responding to conflicts and disagreements.
Vulnerability is an uncomfortable feeling for them that can lead to narcissistic injury, and then narcissistic rage. The narcissistic injury destroys their sense of superiority and grandiosity as their self-esteem and self-worth is being threatened. Their response is rage.
Gaslighting is a form of control and manipulation where the narcissist designs your reality around what they want you to believe. When the narcissist can gain the upper hand with gaslighting then it leaves their partner always questioning their own reality, which makes it easier for the narcissist to place blame on them when situations come up. When a narcissist blame-shifts, they don't have to take accountability.
Emotionally healthy people can consider others in their actions, and the narcissist cannot. While a narcissist can technically change, the first step is wanting to change.. and this is often the roadblock to initiating change in the narcissist.
As the emotionally healthy partner in a relationship, the change is more likely to come from you so don't wait around for the narcissist to be something different, that they are incapable of becoming. Take the control back and work on things you can control in the relationship by not allowing the narcissist to continue to blame-shift onto you.
Source: mindsettherapyonline.com/blog/why-can-narcissists-not-accept-blame
Escaping Responsibility
Abusers have difficulty taking responsibility for problems. They go as far as necessary to attribute blame for their circumstances to anyone else, even if it may sound somewhat conspiratorial.
Similarly, they don't accept ownership of their emotions. They typically express both negative and positive feelings with language like, "You make me so mad." Blame may be attributed more subtly by starting with first-person language, as with, "I wouldn't have to do this if you didn't..."
An emotional abuser sets up a dynamic where the victim comes to believe that they are to blame and that they must work harder to fix the problems (such as improving the relationship.)
This never works because the problem is not the victim; the abusive behavior is the problem. Nothing you do will change that.
No matter how nice and accommodating you are, nothing that you do will change an emotionally abusive person's behavior.
In fact, many people get even more aggressive when you try to make it better, because they sense that you think it's your fault, and this confirms their own false beliefs!
Blame-shifting or "blaming the victim" is a form of context switching and crazy making.
When you are confronting them on something they did or attempting to set boundaries, they switch the whole focus back to you, and this puts you in the defensive.
Now the focus is on you and they slither away. This gets you way off track and off balance right where they want you-derailed. Clever huh, unless you are on the receiving end of this crazy making.
In order to discredit a victim, an abuser will often blame the victim for their own actions, even going so far as to say the victim is in fact the one who committed the abuse. This may cause the victim to feel defeated or like they are losing their mind. In a particularly weakened state, the victim may even believe they are at fault.
Blame-shifting is a way to escape taking responsibility.
Source: https://www.thehaguepsychologist.nl/what-is-blame-shifting-escaping-responsibility/
5 Forms of Blame-shifting
1. Playing Victim
This is one of the most common ones. You might ask your partner to stop criticizing or ridiculing you. Since that situation paints you as a victim, they are quick to turn the tables (because they always need to be the biggest victim).
So instead of addressing your legitimate concerns, they bring up (or make up) something completely unrelated from the past where they claim you hurt them. Before you know it, you're the one apologizing to them.
2. Minimizing Your Feelings
If they hurt your feelings, you might calmly express that to them and ask them to stop. They will then laugh at, dismiss, or ridicule your feelings.
"You're too sensitive!”“You're crazy!”
“You're hysterical.”
“Stop overreacting!”
“What you are talking about?”“You have no sense of humor.” “You need to calm down!”
The blame is no longer on them for misbehaving, but instead on you for reacting to their misbehavior. Ironically if you ever criticize a narcissist the way they regularly criticize you, they flip out. So it's pretty bizarre when they blame you for having thin skin.
“Stop overreacting!”
3. Arguing About the Argument
Every argument becomes a meta-discussion about the argument itself, rather than the point you're actually trying to make.
They pull you into pointless fights, mincing words and debating semantics in order to put you on the defense.
Instead of discussing your legitimate concerns, they comment on your tone and accuse you of doing things they're doing (playing the victim, gas-lighting, projecting).
The blame is no longer on them, but instead the way you approached the argument.
They pull you into pointless fights, mincing words and debating semantics in order to put you on the defense.
Instead of discussing your legitimate concerns, they comment on your tone and accuse you of doing things they're doing (playing the victim, gas-lighting, projecting).
The blame is no longer on them, but instead the way you approached the argument.
4. Guilt Tripping & Pity Stories
If you're prone to feeling sympathetic for others, chances are they'll go for this one a lot. If you point out something hurtful they've done, they will start talking about their abusive childhood or an evil ex.Before you know it, you're comforting them, even though they hurt your feelings. After all, how can you be mad at someone when they open up to you about something so traumatic? (Psst: That's the point)
Everyone goes through trials and tribulations..But healthy individuals don't use those experiences as excuses to harm others, and they certainly don't bring up those pity stories to conveniently avoid taking responsibility for their behavior.
5. The Stink Bomb
You thought you had a slam-dunk case. Proof. Evidence. Everything. And then they come back with this:
- Well, you abused me.
- You cheated on me
- You never loved me
- You're mentally ill
- You're stalking me
Suddenly your slam dunk case isn't such a slam dunk anymore. Now you're defending yourself against wild accusations that you never could have even dreamed of. Who could prepare for that? And once again, that's the whole point. The blame is now off of them, and now you're the one in hot water.
What Can You Do?
When someone blame-shifts like this, there is an (understandable) temptation to explain yourself, defend your name, and prove your point. But the problem is, this is exactly what they want you to do.
They blame-shift so you'll react.
They often accuse you of doing things that they themselves are doing, because it's so infuriating that you just have to say something.
But again, that's the point.
By sucking you into these arguments, they are consuming your energy and watching you progressively self-destruct, so they can use your reactions to prove their own points. ("Wow, look how bitter and angry you are!")
The term JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. When it comes to Cluster-B disorders, don't do those things. You will feel compelled to, but don't.
When you try to defend yourself against a false accusation, you legitimize it by even acknowledging it. The only way to respond to these tactics is to stand up and walk away.
Odds are, you are an overly reasonable person who is always trying to see things from everyone else's perspective.
You constantly worry that you're being unfair ("Oh no, what if I actually am this terrible thing they're accusing me of"), which makes you a prime target to people like this. Because unfortunately in all your worry and self-doubt about being unfair, you fail to see actually unfair situations.
Source: https://www.psychopathfree.com/articles/5-types-of-narcissistic-blame-shifting.388/
13 SNEAKY WAYS NARCISSISTS SHIFT BLAME TO OTHERS AROUND THEM
1. IGNORING THE FACTS
A narcissist person might try to move fault to others by completely ignoring the part of the situation in which he/she is at fault. He might altogether refuse to acknowledge aspects of the situation where he did something wrong.
For example, in conversation, he might adamantly refuse to talk about something and pretend that it did not come up. The person might even refuse to speak to you.
2. CITING RELIGIOUS REASONS
In a situation where there are highly religious people, a narcissistic person might use religion to shift fault onto another person. This is done by using twisted religious rhetoric to justify why someone else is at fault.
For example, let's say that something terrible happens, and it's the fault of the narcissistic person. The narcissist might turn the failure on other people by saying, "This happened not because of what I did, but because you did something and God didn't like it."
3. PLAYING VICTIM CARD & VICTIM BLAMING
To shift blame to others, a narcissist might attempt to play the victim card. For example, if the narcissistic person was wronged to some extent, he may over-emphasize that fact in a quest to get pity from others and shift blame onto someone else. He might try to make it seem that his being victimized overrides the fact that he is at fault.
4. OVERT MANIPULATION
Manipulation is one of the main tools that narcissistic people have in their arsenals. They know the emotional states and psyches of the people around them, which they use to sculpt the things that they say and do. Manipulation can take many forms.
One manipulation tactic is to act overly emotional and sad. For example, a narcissistic person might try to avoid being blamed by crying and acting vulnerable. He might try to accuse you of being a terrible person for not being sympathetic if you are wise to the tactic and refuse to succumb to it.
On the other hand, a narcissistic person might act angry and aggressive, hoping that you'll forget all about putting the fault on them out of fear. They could yell around or physically abuse people.
The person could play on whatever insecurities you have about yourself and life. The gamut of manipulation tactics is endless.
5. ADOPTING A MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY ATTITUDE
Narcissistic people like to talk over others and monopolize conversations. A narcissistic person who wants to accuse other of being at fault others might speak over other people-keeping them from getting their words in. Narcissistic people think that if they over talk and yell over people, it will get it into everyone's heads that they are not the ones at fault.
6. GASLIGHTING OTHERS
Gaslighting is when you try to make someone think that they are crazy for having their beliefs, concerns, and thoughts. This behavior is a manipulation tactic in which one person works to make another person doubt himself or herself.
A narcissistic person can use gaslighting to the fault onto someone else. For example, someone might understand that the narcissistic person is in the wrong for a variety of different reasons.
The narcissistic person might combat this by saying, "Oh, you're simply crazy. Your concerns about me being in the wrong are results of you being off-balanced!" This behavior is emotional abuse, plain and simple!
7. TELLING OUTRIGHT LIES
A narcissist could straight out lie about the situation and fabricate circumstances that were not there.
He could accuse you of doing something that you never did.
He could make up a part of the situation that never happened-all of this just to make it look like he is not at fault.
Lying is especially harmful because the sky is the limit when it comes to what someone can lie about. Lies can cause a lot of trouble.
The problem is that when a narcissistic person lies, what can you do? What can you do if the person completely refuses to utter truthful words? If you are wise to this tactic, then you can easily avoid feeling that you are at fault. The real problem comes when other people believe the narcissistic person.
8. MAKING UNFAIR & UNTRUE ACCUSATIONS
Some narcissistic people like to shift blame by throwing out random accusations.
For example, a narcissistic person might say things like:
- “You lied to me”
- “You abused me”
- “You're insane!”
- “You never loved me”
And whatever accusation they can think of.
The point of throwing out accusations is to take attention away from the narcissist's faults. Narcissistic people do this so that the idea that someone else did something worse and is at fault for something is introduced into the conversation.
9. ACTING DRAMATICALLY
A narcissistic person might shift blame onto other people by acting overly dramatic and saying things aloud that makes it sound like others are to blame. If others are in the room, they might see the narcissist behaving dramatically and think that there is something terrible going on and that you are to blame.
10. BRINGING UP OLD SITUATIONS
A common trick that narcissists do to avoid blame is to bring up past situations in which you were at fault or faced a shortcoming. The circumstances may have absolutely nothing to do with the current situation that they should be blamed for. Whatever conditions the narcissistic person brings up could be completely irrelevant.
11. BRINGING UP YOUR FAULTS
A narcissist might also try to dodge the blame by talking about the faults of other people. They behave this way to detract away from their shortcomings. Again, the person might bring up things that are utterly irrelevant to the situation to divert away from being blamed.
12. MAKING ARGUMENTS ABOUT THE ARGUMENT
A narcissistic person will try to pull fault away from themselves by arguing about the argument that you are having with them.
For example, the person might laugh at how you speak or what you say. He might disagree about the way that you are arguing. He might even accuse you of doing what he is doing.
13. MANIPULATING THOSE AROUND YOU
If the issue is only between two people-you and the narcissist-it is easier to remedy the situation by being wise to the narcissist's tactics. However, if there are other people in the room who can get easily triggered by things that the narcissist says and does, you are out of luck.
This is because other people may not be wise to the tactics that the narcissistic person uses. Also, the narcissists might bring up certain things about you that other people have gripes about.
Being triggered to think about their grievances might make them less likely to see the current situation for how it is.
Even if a narcissistic person is unable to manipulate you into thinking that they are not at fault, they may be adept at manipulating other people.
If they succeed in swaying other people, they might get their way, even if you know their number.
For example, a narcissist who accuses you of doing something to trigger someone else in the room to be on their side.
Here is an example.
If a narcissist randomly accuses you of assault, there might be someone else in the room who takes such accusations very seriously. The people in the room who hear those accusations might be apt to believe that you beat up the narcissist. And even if you never did, those around you could buy into the narcissist's story. Suddenly, the blame is off of the narcissist and now on you.
WAIT. WHAT?
Anything can be a trigger for the people around you. You are emotionally intelligent enough to deal with a narcissist. However, that does not mean that the people around you are wise to their tricks.
Someone narcissistic could try any of the tactics mentioned above on the people around you. A narcissistic person who weeps and acts vulnerable might pull at the heartstrings of other people. Not showing sympathy toward the narcissistic person could make you look bad in front of other people.
FINAL THOUGHTS
In conclusion, these are the ways that narcissists try to place blame on other people. They bring up old situations from the past that are irrelevant to the current situation, use manipulation tactics, try to manipulate those around the initial person who they are talking to, lie, make up false accusations, act overly dramatic, gaslight people, ignore any conversations about them being at fault, talk over people and act aggressively whenever people try to point out the truth.
Always Someone Else's Fault
People with strong narcissistic tendencies and other dark personality traits tend to blame others for their own bad behavior.
- If they are lying, then they will accuse others of lying.
- If they are cruel, they will say that others are cruel.
- If they are stealing and scamming, then they will accuse others of stealing and scamming.
Besides ascribing their undesirable character traits to others, they will attribute the good characteristics of others to themselves.
For example:
- If they see someone being nice, they will say, No, no, this person is not nice I am nice!
- If somebody is successful and happy, the narcissist will say, That person is such a loser and a fake but I, I am really successful and authentic!
These days, when people project their flaws and moral shortcomings onto others, or lack personal responsibility, or blatantly lie, I identify it instantly. It is clear what is going on and that they are trying to hide their undesirable characteristics or inflate their false image. I understand that they are trapped and struggling in their own web of lies and deception. But since they are adults who hurt others, including children, it is really pathetic, obvious, and tragic.
People with dark personalities traits think that others are stupid and that they themselves are very clever and in some ways they can be quite cunning. However, if you are familiar with this behavior, it is senseless and pathetic when you see them trying to bend and negate reality. It is also unfortunate to see how many people fall for it. The stronger your sense of self is, the less susceptible you are to gaslighting and other forms of manipulation.
Source: psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/narcissists-blame-projection
Exploiting the Power Disparity
How blame-shifting works
This particular form of manipulation depends on the abuser really knowing your weaknesses and tendencies; among them might be your steadfast avoidance of conflict or your proclivity to play the peacemaker; your tendency to backtrack on your positions; your desire to please; your own insecurities and doubts about yourself; and your tendency to question the validity of your thoughts and feelings.
Most of the people caught in this web grew up in households where their emotional needs weren't met and were unloved, unsupported, or downright picked on in their families of origin. This is also true of the abuser but he or she has learned to cope differently. Mind you, most of the time the abuser doesn't look you in the face and say "This is all your fault because..." although he or she might from time-to-time; it's usually stealthier than that.
Let's say you complained about his or her behavior and the argument escalated until suddenly the abuser says, "I wouldn't have acted that way if you weren't always nagging me" or "If you didn't always start in when I am dead tired from work, I wouldn't lose my temper" or "If you weren't always focused on you and your needs, we wouldn't be fighting." The chances are good that the guilt-tripping works because you want this relationship to thrive and suddenly you feel awful and you hear yourself apologize. Since your goal is to have things work out between you, you don't even see you've been played.
Why narcissists blame-shift
The obvious answer is that it permits them to dodge responsibility for their words and actions; what's more convenient than having a ready fall guy or a scapegoat? Plus, being right all the time is a dandy confirmation for the narcissist, reinforcing how strong and superior he is, despite the deep shame that sits at the core of the self like a poisoned pit.
An allied tactic is what Craig Malkin in his book Rethinking Narcissism calls "playing emotional hot potato," which is another way of looking at projection: The narcissist ascribes what he is feeling to the target. That too undermines the target's sense of her own perceptions; even though she can see that he is red in the face, his jaw muscles working, and his arms closely held against his chest, he is telling her that it's her anger that is wrecking the relationship. And she is apt to believe it.
Blame-shifting is also motivated by the need to strip the target of a sense of agency; what's likely to happen is that, under attack, the target will resort to old default positions such as apologizing to or trying to placate the abuser. Inevitably, she'll revert to another old learned behavior which is self-blame. That is, of course, what the controlling narcissist wants.
Narcissistic Projection
A Blame-Shifting Tactic of the Extreme Narcissist
Remember, a malignant narcissist essentially operates with a psychological void, whereby his/her existence is predicated on extracting narcissistic supply from significant others.
Inevitably, the narcissist cannot maintain the facade s/he has masterfully crafted in the idealization stage. So when the inevitable idealize/devalue/discard cycle occurs, the survivor of abuse is often stunned when her former partner projects his repressed emotions onto the love object.
Projection was originally coined by psychoanalyst, Sigmund Freud, as a state in which a person defends himself against his own unconscious impulses, emotions, or beliefs by denying their existence in themselves while attributing those qualities to a significant other/family member/person. In the survivor community, projection is also called "Blame-Shifting." In other words, the narcissist may have certain feelings buried or repressed within themselves but because they are so cut off from being introspective and having the ability to generate insight about their emotions, often a narcissist will essentially verbally vomit up (or project) their feelings onto their love object. (Yes, the image of projectile vomiting applies here).
Often this blame-shifting happens when a narcissist has experienced a narcissistic injury or a boundary was set by their partner, thereby resulting in the narcissist feeling a sense of loss of control/power.
For example-
Sally responded to Jeff's flirtatious texts. Jeff made it clear he was looking forward to meeting up with Sally when he was in town on a business trip and looked forward to rekindling their romance. Sally responded to Jeff's "hoover" with some trepidation. She remembered prior cycles of idealize/devalue/discard with Jeff. It had been so long though, so she felt she should give him the benefit of the doubt and see if he had changed in a mature fashion.
So Sally set a clear healthy boundary with Jeff that she would only visit with him on the condition that he show sustained ability to be honest. Seems like a normal enough request. However, to the extreme narcissist, a healthy boundary or limit incites a narcissistic injury, or major blow to their fragile ego.
Fortunately, Sally would later learn that she dodged a bullet with an extreme narcissist. When Sally responded to Jeff's flirtation and expressed interest in seeing him, Jeff abruptly responded with anger and disgust that Sally would want to re-engage on a romantic level. Out of the blue, Jeff projected his repressed and buried feelings onto Sally. "You can't get over me. I am not that into you. I am only interested in friendship. Why are you reading into things? You obviously have feelings for me."
Sally was stunned. Jeff was not only denying his feelings for her but projecting his repressed emotion onto her, blame-shifting. Jeff, as an extreme narcissist, could not handle feeling close emotionally to someone he was attracted to and instead felt his alarm bells going off. So he engaged in seductive-withholding behavior to protect himself from getting hurt. Basically everything he projected onto Sally was really how Jeff was feeling on a deep level. He just could not own his feelings on an authentic, honest level.
A healthy, mature individual who is capable of true intimacy would banter back and forth in flirtation and follow-up with actions of integrity and authenticity, confirming and validating their attraction to their significant other, gradually and slowly building trust.
An extreme narcissist is terrified of vulnerability and losing control. Expressing one's most intimate feelings for someone is too revealing for an extreme narcissist to consciously own and express, so s/he becomes highly defensive and projects their subconscious feelings onto their partner.
So what is Sally to do? Unfortunately, Jeff is not just an individual with narcissistic "traits" that might be worked through with some intensive therapy. He is much further on the spectrum of narcissism and is cut off from his own feelings and incapable of authentically owning his repressed emotions. Sadly, Jeff has pretty significant limitations with what he can offer Sally. She is better off cutting her losses and moving on to date someone who can reciprocate the mature love she is capable of expressing and maintaining.https://psychcentral.com/blog/savvy-shrink/2018/07/what-is-narcissistic-projection-a-blame-shifting-tactic-of-the-extreme-narcissist#1
Sally responded to Jeff's flirtatious texts. Jeff made it clear he was looking forward to meeting up with Sally when he was in town on a business trip and looked forward to rekindling their romance. Sally responded to Jeff's "hoover" with some trepidation. She remembered prior cycles of idealize/devalue/discard with Jeff. It had been so long though, so she felt she should give him the benefit of the doubt and see if he had changed in a mature fashion.