Cognitive Dissonance


It is a catastrophic breakdown of steadfast beliefs and self-knowledge. It is the sense of complete confusion - an entire dissolution of clarity. It leads to total deterioration of self-worth.  

Confusion and depletion are luminescent markers of cognitive dissonance.
 

For people who have uncovered that they were involved in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, one of the first things needed is to undergo psychotherapy to work towards understanding the psychology behind narcissistic abuse recovery. Putting together the pieces of the puzzle and empowering the person to narrate their story is essential in the reality testing and support of a survivor of narcissistic abuse.

Sections:

  • 5 Ways Narcissists Use It Against Us
  • Catastrophic Damage to the Psyche
  • Perfect Example 
  • Narcissists’ Weapon of Choice 
  • Core Feature of Narcissistic Abuse
  • 4 Ways It Emerges in Relationships
  • Now What? 
  • False Comfort

"The abuser's mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like oil from a drum. When he's in this mode, nothing she says seems to have and impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. Many partners of abusers have said, 'I just can't seem to do anything right.
 

At other moments, he sounds wounded and lost, hungering for love and for someone to take care of him. When this side of him emerges, he appears open and ready to heal. He seems to let down his guard, his hard exterior softens, and he may take on the quality of a hurt child, difficult and frustrating but lovable. Looking at him in this deflated state, his partner has trouble imagining that the abuser inside of him will ever be back. The beast that takes him over at other times looks completely unrelated to the tender person she now sees.

Sooner or later though, the shadow comes back over him, as if it had a life of its own. Weeks of peace may have gone by, but eventually she finds herself under assault once again. Then her head spins with the arduous effort of untangling the many threads of his character, until she begins to wonder whether she is the one whose head isn't quite right.”  -Lundy Bancroft.

5 Ways Narcissists Use It Against Us


1. Blowing Hot and Cold 

Narcissists are notorious for wooing with an incredible intensity only to turn cold as ice for no reason. 

Their victims are left wondering if all the passionate declarations and affection were false or imagined. Often the abuser will find the resulting bewilderment amusing or claim that it was all a misunderstanding. 

Not all narcissists are after commitment. Many just love playing the game, causing vulnerable victims to fall in love as a way of reinforcing their egos. Meanwhile, the person they played is left devastated.

The cognitive dissonance can cause a tremendous amount of self-doubt, as it is meant to. Some end up picking the petals of an endless mental daisy. He loves me. He loves me not. Both feel true which leads to emotional disorder.


2. The Great Reversal 

This shaming usually comes after a target disagrees with an abuser or tries to call him on some unwelcome behavior. 

Ironically, a narcissist cannot tolerate any level of cognitive dissonance and so if someone presents to them an unflattering picture of themselves, they turn it around onto their victim. 

All resistance must be crushed. Some narcissists are so skilled at creating cognitive dissonance that they convince their victims that the abuse is the fault of the victim. 

A victim will often initially struggle with believing abuse occurred. On the one hand, they know it happened. 

They remember the painful incidents. On the other hand, they also can't believe that such a thing happened and their abuser twists or denies it vehemently. Inner turmoil ensues.


3. The Big Compromise

One of the strategies of an emotionally abusive partner is the gradual destruction of the value system of the victim. 

The blind obedience begins with small issues but gradually moves into areas of greater moral compromise. 

Control is always the goal of the abuser, and so the slow separation of what a victim believes creates a constant moral muddle that can be difficult to sort out. 

The victim knows that he or she has drifted from his or her core values, but surviving a narcissist becomes paramount.


4. Rewriting History

Narcissistic abusers 'remember' shared history quite differently from their victims. In fact, their version of history always seems to recall how they were cheated somehow. 

Narcissists also reframe family relationships. A narcissist will 'kill' off relatives, or exes frequently. For the victim, however, this constant revision creates cognitive dissonance. 

Normal people are prone to believe their partners. In fact, normal amounts of cognitive dissonance can enhance a a relationship. We overlook flaws in our mates and dwell on their qualities all the time. But when what we hear on a regular basis differs significantly from our memories, our minds and bodies suffer from the tension.


5. Competing Selves

One of the most difficult perceptions of narcissistic abuse to cope with is the misconception regarding who becomes victims of abuse. 

Often people do not immediately believe a target could be educated, articulate, and seemingly emotionally healthy. But cognitive dissonance can take a normal person and tear them in half. 

Reconciling two opposing realties and the pain of facing the truth is intense. But many evils have been perpetuated because people are dedicated to the idea that they are 'not that kind of person'. This can't be happening is a belief that keeps many people in a constant state of mental upheaval.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mating-game/201612/how-cognitive-dissonance-relates-relationships

Catastrophic Damage to the Psyche

Complete Deterioration of Self-Worth

Tragic but inevitable that self-worth breaks down when your mental reasoning is protecting an abuser to the point that you believe it is you to blame for the toxic state of the relationship. This reasoning is the only way the brain can justify staying in the partnership.

Chronic Self-Doubt

The line between right and wrong is now entirely muddled, blurry. We are no longer in control of our own destiny, emotions, desires. We have become wired to the ambient mood and behaviors of the toxic other, enmeshed in their way of thinking and being. Self-doubt becomes an internal disease, rendering the psyche entirely devoid of a sense of self.


Profound Lack of Clarity

You no longer know what is real and what is not, what is right and what is wrong. Your narcissistic loved one has shattered your sense of reality so you have to clarify everything - when somebody speaks you ask them to elaborate, to be clearer - you don't trust your own perception or interpretations.


Perfectionism & People-Pleasing

Unconscious fear about the next bout of rage or shift in mood leads to a persistent hypervigilance. This vigilance is a finessed attunement to the moods of the other, allowing us to cultivate ways of avoiding or deflecting the next meltdown or round of abuse. How this plays out in practice is perverse pleasing of the other - anything to avoid further damage. In doing so we lose ourselves entirely in the other, neglecting ourselves fully in the process.


Social Withdrawal & Isolation
The clever narcissist has a way of making himself look like a pillar of grace and humility. And he will make you look like you're deranged and unhinged. So we withdraw from those that we love, retreat into our hovels of confusion and despair, further amplifying the self-doubt that is haunting the mind.


Source: https://medium.com/invisible-illness/on-cognitive-dissonance

PTSD from Narcissistic Abuse
Gaslighting

Perfect Example

The abuser professes love and divines a future marriage with their partner. The partner is courted, romanced, and ultimately falls in love with the abuser, not knowing that the abuser has ulterior motives ( i.e. not staying in the relationship).
  

The partner envisions wedding details and enjoys the courtship, and being placed on a pedestal. The abuser then suddenly pulls away and drastically changes their tune, or makes a comment denying they said anything about getting married. They go on to say the partner is "crazy" for thinking that, or for failing to be on the same page. 
 

Blame is then projected upon the partner, and the partner is dizzy with confusion, recalling that, indeed, their significant other did discuss wedding bells and a future together. The partner then experiences a state of cognitive dissonance-a hazy unreality of confusion.
 

Such emotional abuse renders the target confused and reeling with heartache that the pace of the relationship has slammed to an abrupt halt, in addition to feelings of betrayal and being blamed.

Source: unreality-check-cognitive-dissonance-in-narcissistic-abuse

Narcissists' Weapon of Choice


Cognitive dissonance is a catastrophic breakdown of steadfast beliefs and self-knowledge. It is the sense of complete confusion - an entire dissolution of clarity. It paralyzes clarity and agency .It feels like mental torture. If you have been in a relationship of any kind with a narcissist, you will know this feeling well.


In day to day life, we all face bouts of cognitive dissonance. In small doses, and dealing with normal healthy people this is no bad thing as it can allow us to consider two sides of the same coin with fact, reason and critical thinking. But when cognitive dissonance becomes a pattern of ongoing conflict and confusion in your mind as a result of toxic abuse, severe damage can be done to your sense of self and personal autonomy. 



Word Salad

Narcissists are spectacularly skilled in causing cognitive dissonance. They engage in word-salad type monologues - taking you on a wild goose-chase with their words and long self-oriented tirades. You are left exhausted and depleted trying to decode what it is they are saying.
 
If you manage to get a word in edgeways, narcissists will surreptitiously sidestep the thrust of your every point, and then deflect and redirect incessantly to a point where you cannot even remember where you started or how you end up at the final destination. The final destination looks like chaos - a complete and utter jumble of words and re-framed semantics that actually lack meaning entirely.


Projection

They are even more adept at redirecting to you. 
 
Woe betides if you express sadness or disappointment at the narcissist. Masters in the art of projection, you will be on the receiving end of all their rage and self-hatred. 

They will insult you, criticize your character and press deeply on all your own insecurities to deflect the spotlight from themselves.

What started out as you hoping for some resolution from your disappointment, finishes with you doubting yourself and all that you are.
 

Projection is an insidious form of lying - by projecting unto us, we are the ones to blame and the narcissist avoids all accountability. Shame is often the cornerstone of their projection.
 

It lies at the root of the narcissistic personality type. Narcissists cannot handle the deep severity of the emotion thus they project it onto others in a primitive attempt to rid themselves of it.
 
When you love this person, cognitive dissonance magnifies in its power. It slowly breaks down the psyche causing chronic confusion - about yourself, and about the person in question. We wonder, how can this person keep saying the same things if it isn't true? They love me, so they must be right. How horrifically tragic it is when we start to believe this.


Gas-lighting

Of all the weapons in the Narcissists armory cabinet, this is probably his favorite. Gas-lighting is a deleterious maneuver that narcissists and other toxic types use to make you bring your own sanity into question. "I think I am losing my mind, I don't know what is real and what is not anymore."
 
It is a terrible notion to believe - that somebody we love could be purposely trying to distort our version of reality but sadly it is a reality in life with a narcissist.
 
Narcissists use this tactic to make us dependent on their account of reality whilst covertly pulling the rug from under our feet so that you are no longer on psychological or emotional terra-firma.


Rationalization 

Something feels intuitively very wrong, but we rationalize the behavior of the toxic other; they love me, they wouldn't want to hurt me on purpose. This explanation reduces the anxiety of the abuse, strengthening the toxic trauma-bond to the abuser.
 

Defensiveness

We defend the toxic individual to other people, especially when loved ones are trying to protect us. We think the abuser is simply misunderstood, that we understand their psychological wiring and therefore must act to defend it.
 

Denial

The brain goes into overdrive to protect the internal conflict. It is too painful to consider that the person we care for may actually be abusing us. So we deny the reality and force it deep into our unconscious. But the conflict is magnified by doing so and will rear its head in complete emotional depletion.  


Justification

we justify to ourselves why we need to stay in the relationship. Maybe we think that the narcissist suffered terribly in childhood and justify his behavior.

Source:  https://medium.com/invisible-illness/on-cognitive-dissonance

Core Feature of Narcissistic Abuse


Cognitive dissonance is one of the key methods of emotional abuse employed by narcissists.


This abuse tactic creates in the target a sense of unreality, confusion, and a mind-set of not trusting their own perception of the situation. 
 

Narcissistic individuals most frequently use "gaslighting." The result is the target of abuse doubts their own reality of the situation because the abuser is trying to confuse and disorient the target in order to maintain power and control, all at the cost of the emotional well-being and mental health of the target.
 

A narcissist can introduce themselves as a loving, kind-hearted and mature person. They can successfully analyze you, find out what you want from a relationship and act accordingly.
 

They can make you believe that they love you a lot and win your trust in no time. At the end of this process, you'll develop certain beliefs regarding the narcissist; "They love me a lot, they're trustworthy." 
 

But in time, things start to change and narcissist's mask begins to crack. Emotional abuse which had started really subtly can get so much more prominent at this point. You face a situation that contradicts your precious belief: "They hurt me consciously and deliberately." 
 

We then have contradicting information and only one of them can be real. But the 'real' one is also the extremely painful one. If we're not ready for that pain, we may subconsciously implement methods in order to reduce cognitive dissonance.

https://poemachronicles.com/cognitive-dissonance/

4 Ways It Emerges in Relationships


One of the key methods of emotional abuse employed by narcissists is cognitive dissonance. What this abuse tactic does is create in the target a sense of unreality, confusion, and a mind-set of not trusting their own perception of the situation.
 

Cognitive dissonance emerges when people face a situation or an idea that goes against their own current knowledge or belief. These contradicting knowledge and beliefs may cause severe stress, discomfort and confusion.
 

Therefore, people suffering from it try to reduce their stress by eliminating one of these beliefs. Even if the newly acquired information is much more realistic, people still try to deny it and cling to their existing knowledge through various excuses because the new information causes painful stress. We can see cognitive dissonance as having to lie to ourselves in order to reduce severe stress.


1. Denial & Avoidance

At first, we can try to deny the truth in an attempt to reduce our stress level. We can try to erase all the bad memories and pretend like they never happened. When the narcissist says something hurtful, we can tell ourselves things like "they didn't mean it like that, they just don't know how to express themselves" or "actually, they love me a lot, they just don't know how to show it."
 
We can try to hide the fact we're being abused by only talking about the best qualities of our partners when surrounded by other people, and mention how much they love us. To share all the negative information could cause others to notice that something's off and try to warn us. In a situation like that, we could once again choose denial and even avoid seeing this friend anymore, making up excuses to cut them out of our lives. And sometimes we could defend the abuser against them.


2. Distorting Truth

If things have come to a point where we could no longer deny them, this time we can try to distort the facts. Our subconscious tries to twist the truth and rationalize the lies. This is basically a trap set by our ego and if it succeeds, we can find ourselves forming sentences such as; "Who would want to be with someone who hurts them? I'm sure they're not trying to hurt me, there must be something else." 


3. Minimizing Truth

Even if we stop distorting the truth and start seeing the problem, we can try to minimize it. We can tell ourselves things like: “It's not that bad!"  If you start saying that often, you‘re likely trying to avoid something you're not ready to face.


4. Reducing Its Value

Similar to minimizing the truth, we can start reducing its value. We can say things like; "it wasn't that important anyway, I'm just exaggerating. Besides, all relationships have some ups and downs."
 
If you suffer from emotional abuse, you'll need to choose either the lie or the truth. If you ever find yourself in a dilemma, try to avoid jumping to the most positive conclusion just because you want that one to be the truth.

Sometimes, truth hurts a lot. But once we stop running from it and decide to face it, we start to heal and rid ourselves from the narcissistic relationship. 

https://medium.com/invisible-illness/on-cognitive-dissonance

Video:  Cognitive Dissonance

Now What?


Your intuition has probably been telling you for some time that something is interminably wrong. You care for this person deeply, but you feel confused, lost and depleted for the majority of your waking hours.
 
Confusion and depletion are luminescent markers of cognitive dissonance.
 
When cognitive dissonance betrays our once wise and clear mindset, we feel like we have lost ourselves. 

Rest assured, this is a temporary madness, we can reclaim all that has been squashed under the oppression of narcissistic abuse. We just need a little time, and a whole lot of love from ourselves and healthy loved ones.

So what can you do?

  • Take a big step back from the toxic other, and seek help. If you can get access to a counselor or therapist this will be a great blessing to yourself and your healing from this covert emotional abuse. A therapist or counselor will help you wade through the murky terrain and identify the behaviors and actions of the narcissist. In doing so, you will reclaim all of what you have lost in time - control, self-worth and clarity.
     
  • Accept that the other person cannot change. Certainly not with your help, only with that of a therapist. Even then, it is sadly unlikely that they will change. Their behaviors are deeply embedded in their personality structure, formed in very early childhood. Moreover, it is a the hallmark of a narcissist that they never ever believe they are in the wrong. This would shatter their false illusion of entitlement and grandeur. This is the most heartbreaking aspect of it all - especially if we really love the narcissist. But it is an immutable truth: they will not change.
     
  • Remove this person from your life. They have been abusing you, intentionally. Any human being that purposefully makes us question our sanity does not deserve any place in our life.
     
  • Seek clarity as your number one goal in these early days after you have removed yourself from the relationship. The loss of definitive lines is the main crux of the damage done. We need to regain this as a priority. Only then can we rebuild the definition of right and wrong, real and fiction, healthy and unhealthy. And then reclaim ourselves and all that we stand for and believe in. Friends, family and therapists can help us redefine the lines (with permanent marker this time).
     
  • Surround yourself with good, kind people that love you and respect your boundaries. A healthy soul does not try to bulldoze over, or eradicate your personal boundaries. Someone who truly loves us will respect the lines that we draw.
https://medium.com/psychology-self-healing/cognitive-dissonance-in-narcissistic-relationships

False Comfort


Cognitive dissonance in relationships with emotional dependence is fairly common. When someone is immersed in a toxic relationship, deep down they know they should really get out of it. But, at the same time, there's always something that prevents them from doing it.
  
The fear of loneliness and of experiencing loss go hand in hand with the discomfort that you feel on a daily basis when you're living day in, day out, in a destructive relationship. The cognitive dissonance in emotional dependence arises when the person starts to feel that each day in the relationship is like a prison sentence. This can be because their partner humiliates them or blocks them out. It also arises when they're aggressive, argumentative, or even unfaithful. The result is that the dependent person's self-esteem is increasingly affected.

Whenever the emotionally dependent person has a spark of lucidity, they open their eyes and are able to see things as they really are. 

They become aware of the pain they're suffering. Everything becomes like a whirlwind for them and they realize that they have to end the relationship because it's hurting them so much.

Unfortunately, emotional dependence harbors something even more powerful: fear of rejection or loneliness. The fear of being alone holds a terrible grip. Because of that, that moment of lucidity often vanishes in a puff of smoke.
 

Because of that, things just continue as they did before and nothing changes. The dependent person stays in the toxic relationship and this leads to a very uncomfortable cognitive dissonance. Although you know you need to escape, the thought of an impending solitude terrifies you.


Cognitive dissonance in emotional dependence becomes even more unpleasant when those around you, from their own point of view, clearly see that you should end the relationship. They have the best of intentions and want to help. They say things such as "Don't you see that they're being dishonest?", "You shouldn't have to put up with being shouted at" and "Get out before it's too late".  


This obviously, creates an even greater internal conflict and the dependent individual may argue with these people or even cut them off to avoid causing any more dissonance. This cognitive dissonance worsens when people, especially if they're important to us, are at odds with our way of behaving.


Within the framework of toxic relationships, excuses and self-deception are often very common. They come to the surface in an attempt to reduce the discomfort produced by cognitive dissonance.


In this way, people end up thinking that the things they have created in their minds are real to try to (falsely) make sense of the situation.


Cognitive dissonance in an emotionally dependent relationship gives us the key to be able to detect self-deception. The best clues of all are your emotions. When you're in a harmful relationship and your behavior is at odds with this fact, you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes this can even lead to depression, with all that entails: Insomnia, lack of appetites, apathy...

Rethinking Our Internal Dialogue Thinking about the Break-Up


If we feel really uncomfortable or unsettled, then perhaps we should rethink our internal dialogue. If we do, then we'll realize just what we're saying to try to convince ourselves to keep on as we always have.

Another way that we deceive ourselves is when we think about the possible break up and experience it as if it were a deep abyss. We'll surely be filled with an intense fear of the uncertainty that may result from a future with all these changes on the horizon.

This can often make us even more sure that we need to be at our partner's side. Not so much for love, but, rather, due to fear of being alone. We quite simply don't trust in our ability, resources, or potential.

Going to therapy is essential if we want to uncover all these tricks that our minds play on us. We do it to have a secure, yet unwanted future. Psychotherapy can really help us to reduce this dissonance using strategies that won't harm us in any way. 


What we really need to do is to start taking steps that will lead us to eventually face reality and take decisive action.

https://exploringyourmind.com/cognitive-dissonance-in-emotionally-dependent-relationships/

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