The narcissist is someone who has "buried his true self-expression in response to trauma and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self."
This alternate persona to the real self often comes across as grandiose, "above others," and self-absorbed. The narcissist attempts to use their "rage" to coerce their targets (victims) to give in. At the same time, the intense "drama" distracts the narcissist from their inner pain and inadequacy.
Narcissistic Rage & Its Destructive Consequences
What distinguishes narcissistic rage from normal anger is that it is usually unreasonable, disproportional, and cuttingly aggressive (or intensely passive-aggressive), all because the narcissist's wants and wishes are not being catered to. It is a blow to their superficial, idealized self-image.
Sections:
- Narcissistic Rage
- Causes of Narcissistic Rage
- Narcissistic Hatred
- Destructive Consequences
Narcissistic Rage
Narcissistic rage is the uncontrollable and unexpected anger that results from a narcissistic injury (a threat to a narcissist's self-esteem or worth.)
It is also utilized as a manipulative tool on the outside, and a pain avoidance device on the inside.
Rage comes in many forms, but all pertain to the same important thing: revenge.
Narcissistic rages are based on fear and will endure even after the perceived 'threat' is gone.
Examples of narcissistic rage range from intense outbursts and sudden fits of anger, to passive-aggressive acts such as simmering resentment, icy silence, deliberate neglect, or cutting sarcasm.
Causes of Narcissistic Rage
Injury to self-esteem or self-worth
When they're "hurt," narcissists tend to lash out as their first line of defense. They may feel that cutting someone out or intentionally hurting them with words or violence can help them protect their persona.
A challenge to their confidence.
Narcissists tend to try building up confidence in themselves by continually getting away with lies or false personas.
When someone pushes them and exposes a weakness, narcissists may feel inadequate. That unwelcomed emotion can cause them to lash out as protection.
8 Scenarios When Narcissistic Rage Often Occurs:
1. The narcissist doesn't get his way, even when it's unreasonable.
2. The narcissist is criticized in some way, even when the critique is made diplomatically, reasonably, and constructively.
3. The narcissist isn't treated as the center of attention, even when there are other priorities.
4. The narcissist is caught breaking rules, violating social norms, or disregarding boundaries.
5. The narcissist is asked to be accountable for his actions.
6. The narcissist suffers a blow to his or her idealized, egotistical self-image (such as when being told he will not be given "exception to the rule", or be granted "special treatment").
7. The narcissist is reminded of his charade, manipulation, exploitation, inadequacy, shame, or self-loathing.
8. The narcissist feels (fears) not in control of their relational or physical surroundings.
NARCISSISTIC HATRED
*This mostly refers to dealing with a malignant narcissist or sociopath*
Being the target of narcissistic hatred is the most confusing experience you'll have in your life. It's wrought with ironies, opposites, and sleight of hand.
It's absolutely soul-shattering to give your all to the narcissist and feel like you've finally made some progress in getting through to them, only for them to smack you down with the most hateful, scathing episode to date.
It's as though they truly hate you down to the core of your soul. As if they can barely stand to be in the same room with you or breathing the same air as you...and they probably have told you this in so many words, but you are so traumatized by the sheer spite in their voice during these episodes, you have a hard time remembering everything they said.
The irony is that just when things seem to be truly over, and you've accepted in your heart and soul that it's time to move on, the narcissist changes back to being seemingly nice, perhaps even affectionate. It's so utterly confusing.
Why do they do this? Are they a tortured soul who is so wounded that they just can't help it? Is there anything at all you can do to speak to the wounded inner self the narcissist appears to hide, buried deep within them?
As a person who loves the narcissist, it's usually easier to believe they have no control over these conflicting behaviors. We can identify with what we believe is their inner pain...but this is a story we tell ourselves. A story which keeps us enmeshed with them in a tempestuous cycle of insane highs and lows that ultimately depletes us of our very soul.
There is a reason they do this, but it's hard to digest. Sometimes, though, we need the truth because it's the one thing that can finally set us free.
The Sad Truth About Narcissistic Hatred
The reason you've found yourself the target of narcissistic hatred is that they view love as a weakness and consequently, it repulses them. But, at the same time, it allows them to extract copious amounts of narcissistic supply. This is why they seem to hate you but won't let you go easily.
The narcissist views you as a feeble underling; one which provides them with wonderful supply. So, though they couldn't care less about you as a person, they don't want to give up the fringe benefits that go along with engaging in a relationship with you...albeit it a torturous one.
They won't let you go because you are providing them with the things they need to survive as a narcissist. These things may consist of money, housekeeping, taking over the responsibility for their adult obligations, cleaning up their many messes, staying with them while they carry on affairs, and providing them a convenient receptacle for when they need to vent all their pent-up negative energies and rage onto someone.
Therefore, it does no good for you to show your vulnerability to the narcissist and, further, why they seem to dislike you even more when you show your very human emotions.
They want the benefits without all the damage control. They want you to just be quiet about it all and go back to the person you were before you discovered who they really are.
This why, when you try to make them see how they're hurting you, it is utterly pointless. In fact, it's during these moments you see into the true core of the narcissist's personality...and it's chilling.
Nonetheless, in your mind, you love them and have bonded with them, and so you try to humanize them, believing they must think and feel the same way you do but just have a hard time showing it.
This is not the case. They are nothing like you and no amount of unconditional love will change this fact. When we insist on believing the narcissist is like us, we are creating a story in our minds, writing the screenplay as we go along, thinking that with enough love and compassion, we will finally break through to the narcissist's wounded self.
This will never happen and it's important to accept this painful truth so you go about getting over a narcissist.
Narcissists love to blame other people for their nasty behaviors. In turn, you may respond by being more supportive, understanding, kind, or compromising in an effort to persuade the narcissist to halt their betrayals and cruelties.
Instead, what happens is, patterns of deception and denial are established. This may be to avoid the narcissistic hatred or keep the peace, proving to the narcissist you're not the crazy psycho they say you are but, underneath the surface, it's a budding system of enabling. A system the narcissist fabricates from the very start.
The Truth About When Things Seem Normal
It's vital to understand that when the narcissist is being nice, it's an integrated part of the abuse. A reward, if you will, for sweeping their last attack under the rug and going back to your agreeable self. The one who will smile at them while they carry on with their normal deplorable behaviors as though everything is on the up and up.
Additionally, they understand that if they give you a glimpse of the person they pretended to be when you first met, you will do everything in your power to keep the golden illusion alive...the illusion that things can be like they were before. All while you continue to be the target of their narcissistic hatred.
This is how trauma bonds become stronger over time. If you go along with this mirage, you'll be like the legendary solitary traveler who believes they've found water in the desert, only to find they've traveled deeper into the middle of nowhere with nothing around them to sustain life.
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Destructive Consequences
1. Family Estrangement
Multiple studies have examined the relationship between narcissism and difficult family relationships.2. Relational Dissolution & Divorce
Research has also shown the tremendous negative impact narcissism has on romantic relationships and marriages.3. Relationship Cut-Offs
Since narcissists "use" rather than "relate", they tend to leave many broken relationships behind. Narcissists also experience relationship cut-offs from others feeling let down, disappointed, lied to, used, manipulated, violated, exploited, betrayed, ripped-off, demeaned, invalidated, or ignored.4. Loneliness and Isolation
Due to the first three factors described above, most narcissists have few, if any healthy, close and lasting relationships. Some higher-functioning narcissists achieve external success in life - at the expense of others - and find themselves lonely at the top.5. Missed Opportunities
From a lack of true substance and/or connectedness.6. Financial, Career, or Legal Trouble
From rule breaking, gross irresponsibility, careless indulgence, or other indiscretions.7. Damaged Reputation
From personal and/or professional lack of credibility, reliability, and trustworthiness.8. Deep-Seated Fear of Rejection / Being Unimportant
This is the core of narcissistic rage. Many narcissists are constantly hounded by the insecurity that people may not see them as the privileged, powerful, popular, or "special" individuals they make themselves to be, and react intensely when their fears are confirmed.Deep down, many narcissists feel like the "ugly duckling", even if they painfully don't want to admit it.
Can a Narcissist Change for the Better?
Perhaps. (It’s extremely unlikely)
But only if he is highly aware, and willing to go through the courageous process of self-discovery.