8/2020
I wrote this when he discarded me less than three days after he’d shown back up a month following the the main discard (his birthday). That hoover is available at the bottom of this page. It's actually the incident that led to me creating this entire website. Him returning made the mental breakdown he’d previously thrown me into become even more destabilizing. I'd barely begun to educate myself on psychopathic and narcissistic abuse while he’d been away. I couldn't believe it was real, that it was what I had lived through, that that's all we had ever been, and that I didn't know who he was at all. My mind was overloaded by complete chaos. It snapped.
WHO ARE YOU!?
I threw this page together to come to terms with the reality of what our "relationship" was. You do genuinely fascinate me. I accept that you are not like me, that you deceived me, used me, and emotionally/mentally abused me..I accept that you don't care much (if anything) about right and wrong. The thing is, you're still a person, even if much of the real you is a complete stranger to me and everyone else. I still care about you and love you unconditionally (although not romantically-I don't even know who you are.) I love you because I love everyone; also because I spent time with you, and you impacted my life - painfully, but powerfully.Dear D.B,
Your deceit and manipulation were mastered to near perfection! I am impressed with your skill level, but I am disappointed you use your incredible mind to do deplorable things..but you have free will, so there's nothing anyone can do about that. I always knew you were highly intelligent.. I'm not "clueless," as you'd declare anytime you were irate. I just couldn't fathom someone so very different from myself in regards to the fundamental spectrum of emotions most people have the capacity for. I didn't realize that my past made me so perfectly "groomed" to slip right back into old patterns with an abuser so easily-not to take away from your mastery of manipulation.-I truly do mean it when I say you are disturbingly proficient in fakery. I guess being authentic is not something you ever considered a crucial requirement for having a good life. I wish you well, and whatever form of happiness or fulfillment you aspire to, or chase? Sometimes I wonder if you have goals and purpose, or if you just drift along taking whatever you can get. Seems empty.
I wouldn't have minded hearing all of your true thoughts from a safe distance, even if they were alarmingly cold for a compassionate person to process..it would've been educational and rather interesting. I understand you don't do that though, speak what's on your mind openly. You have no need to right? I'm not being sarcastic, I assume that'd be your take on it. That's okay. You told me you'd never shared your inner thoughts and inner demons with anyone before and didn't want to start now, I wasn't sure what that meant until recently. Please take care of yourself..I don't doubt you will and that you have been this entire time. haha.
I will not trash your name, even though I doubt you'd care if I did. You were possibly, mildly honest(for you) with me on one of the last nights I saw you(the day before our last game night with your sweet mum.)You openly informed me, as we stood at the boardwalk, that you were sorry you couldn't have a more simple disorder such as bipolar. You told me you were psychopathic and that you had narcissistic defenses, but that it all tied into your combat PTSD..that it was something you'd have to work on for the rest of your life, but you said you'd been talking with your brother and were going to start counseling and fight for me to stay by your side and be able ti trust you again. You finally said I love you, and did so repeatedly throughout the evening. I told you I didn't believe you..but obviously part of me did. It shouldn't have mattered to me.
The following night at your mum's house you made a reference to being a psychopath to your mother at the table as we played cards..y'all laughed. At the time, I thought you mentioned it casually because you HAD talked to your family, as you claimed the night before while begging for my forgiveness for your previous abuse. Now I'm unsure of why you said it. Maybe an inside joke of something you made up to make me look like less than I am, or to make your behavior look better? I don't know, but it doesn't matter anymore. I figure you've likely fabricated an ingenious tale of what happened to reflect you as the hero and me the unstable or manipulative villain. I'm not angry about it, you do what you have to do to control perceptions of others to benefit you; It's immoral, but reflects your strengths-high intellect and conviction to whichever role you're playing.
Regardless, I don't hate you in the least, I do loathe what you've done. How you treated me so appallingly while I was nothing but kind towards you, and extremely long-suffering..I will not use your name anytime I share the truth..especially when memories of your unjustified behaviors anger me. I share my story and over analyze because it's how I am processing the trauma..supposedly it is a normal reaction and part of the grief cycle from the type of relationship we had..
I frequently sought out professional help once the abuse became more apparent...When reality became that I wasn't truly allowed to speak to you except when around your family; when you'd suddenly become that sweet, adoring boyfriend again from our first date. Those dates always gave me hope that that was who you really were, and you had simply been having a really difficult time beforehand...You told me you talked to you mom, brother, and nephew all of the time when you were lost and in need of advice on how to treat me better; you'd say that you were going to stop lashing out at me, ghosting me, putting me 'on a back burner'. You said you told your mum you were going to marry me within two years...you'd tell me you "I really really like you. I want to have babies with you. I know that's scary and overwhelming but..." You said I was the best girlfriend you ever had, the only one that has ever been marriage material. You said, "I never even thought of my ex wife as marriage material!" You told me I terrified you because I was such a good, solid(marriage-material) girlfriend, but that you were going to put all the necessary effort in to treat me better because you wanted us to make it. "It won't be easy, but we are going places, Erinn*." "We're gonna get through this."(your phrase of choice after all of your grand speeches and promises over better things to come...promises that you'd stop being unkind to me, stop taking all of your anger out on me, and stop 'pushing me away.')
Oh my goodness, I bought all of it. You framed your explanations with such a touching, heartbreaking narrative revolved around the discovery of your deceased father and then your severe PTSD being uncharacteristically triggered because if how you discovered him. I excused all of your mistreatment because I knew you were going through something deeply awful...I knew because you constantly reminded me and explained how all your aggression and inconsistencies were due to your PTSD being extremely flared up, that you normally weren't so hostile and distant..You'd send me messages explaining the dark place you were in..the voices you'd hear crying out throughout the night...the terror you were fighting inside your own mind almost constantly, due to the recent tragedy. I purchased and read multiple books about combat PTSD-books regarding its impact on relationships, what to expect as a loved one, and how to be supportive/helpful..
You were so damn convincing! Your face looked so warm and sincere, man..All I wanted was to be patient, kind, and accepting of you. You had me right where you wanted me-holding on, waiting for my kind man to be at peace and to return to me with the generous care he'd shown before. I did everything you asked. I apologized for everything I did (and didn't do), even though I was too afraid I'd make things more difficult for you to ever actually do anything "wrong" in the first place. All I ever worried about was you not being alright. I didn't want to do or say anything that could even possibly inflict additional pain on you, because I knew (thought I knew) you were suffering so much already!
I tried so very hard to care for you as selflessly as possible..But I was never enough for you, though you'd frequently and angrily let me know that I was far 'too much.' You'd constantly inform me of my lack of consideration and of how it was my way of "pushing blame /picking/ unloading on you" anytime I'd want to catch up, share my fears and confusion, or when I'd dare to share that I missed you and cared about you. Any time you randomly accused me of being manipulative, dramatic, a liar, clueless, -if I'd respond hurt and confused- you'd act like my sad response (about my hurt feelings- self defense-request to understand why you said horrible things, vanished, or no showed) was deeply unacceptable and hateful TOWARDS YOU. Your behavior was shameful.
I'm glad I kept a journal and every single text and phone call logged. I did it for sentimental reasons and because I wasn't allowed to discuss anything that was important to me with you without cruel retaliation.. but now I can look back over all of it and confirm exactly what took place..what my "outbursts" actually were. It's just good to be able to know what was really going on, now that I can review my journal/letters/phone/ and that you aren't still around to fog my mind..
You sneaky sneaky smart, ruthless man. All is forgiven, even if you deny everything you did and devalue me to others just as you did to me throughout the entire relationship. My big mushy heart is not going to harden because you lacked one and chose to devastate mine; I know I'd be safer if it did, but I just can't shut my heart down..the heart you kept telling family was "a heart of gold." You and I know the truth of your actions at least. I love people and want to do nothing but treat them how I want to be treated..I know how bad it feels to hurt and I can't stand the thought of someone else having to experience pain..it causes my stomach to churn, and my chest to uncomfortably tighten. I told you all of this on our first date walking around campus, that was my downfall. I let you into my mind so quickly.
But I no longer underestimate your selfish intent or ability to do whatever is necessary to get what you want. I don't doubt you knew EXACTLY how to make me feel safe and comfortable enough to share so much in return for all that you shared with me..likely false stories from you..
Oh my goodness, I bought all of it. You framed your explanations with such a touching, heartbreaking narrative revolved around the discovery of your deceased father and then your severe PTSD being uncharacteristically triggered because if how you discovered him. I excused all of your mistreatment because I knew you were going through something deeply awful...I knew because you constantly reminded me and explained how all your aggression and inconsistencies were due to your PTSD being extremely flared up, that you normally weren't so hostile and distant..You'd send me messages explaining the dark place you were in..the voices you'd hear crying out throughout the night...the terror you were fighting inside your own mind almost constantly, due to the recent tragedy. I purchased and read multiple books about combat PTSD-books regarding its impact on relationships, what to expect as a loved one, and how to be supportive/helpful..
You were so damn convincing! Your face looked so warm and sincere, man..All I wanted was to be patient, kind, and accepting of you. You had me right where you wanted me-holding on, waiting for my kind man to be at peace and to return to me with the generous care he'd shown before. I did everything you asked. I apologized for everything I did (and didn't do), even though I was too afraid I'd make things more difficult for you to ever actually do anything "wrong" in the first place. All I ever worried about was you not being alright. I didn't want to do or say anything that could even possibly inflict additional pain on you, because I knew (thought I knew) you were suffering so much already!
I tried so very hard to care for you as selflessly as possible..But I was never enough for you, though you'd frequently and angrily let me know that I was far 'too much.' You'd constantly inform me of my lack of consideration and of how it was my way of "pushing blame /picking/ unloading on you" anytime I'd want to catch up, share my fears and confusion, or when I'd dare to share that I missed you and cared about you. Any time you randomly accused me of being manipulative, dramatic, a liar, clueless, -if I'd respond hurt and confused- you'd act like my sad response (about my hurt feelings- self defense-request to understand why you said horrible things, vanished, or no showed) was deeply unacceptable and hateful TOWARDS YOU. Your behavior was shameful.
I'm glad I kept a journal and every single text and phone call logged. I did it for sentimental reasons and because I wasn't allowed to discuss anything that was important to me with you without cruel retaliation.. but now I can look back over all of it and confirm exactly what took place..what my "outbursts" actually were. It's just good to be able to know what was really going on, now that I can review my journal/letters/phone/ and that you aren't still around to fog my mind..
You sneaky sneaky smart, ruthless man. All is forgiven, even if you deny everything you did and devalue me to others just as you did to me throughout the entire relationship. My big mushy heart is not going to harden because you lacked one and chose to devastate mine; I know I'd be safer if it did, but I just can't shut my heart down..the heart you kept telling family was "a heart of gold." You and I know the truth of your actions at least. I love people and want to do nothing but treat them how I want to be treated..I know how bad it feels to hurt and I can't stand the thought of someone else having to experience pain..it causes my stomach to churn, and my chest to uncomfortably tighten. I told you all of this on our first date walking around campus, that was my downfall. I let you into my mind so quickly.
But I no longer underestimate your selfish intent or ability to do whatever is necessary to get what you want. I don't doubt you knew EXACTLY how to make me feel safe and comfortable enough to share so much in return for all that you shared with me..likely false stories from you..
Was your 2015 battle with brain cancer, your secret daughter, the horrific car accident that cost you two loved ones-that you witnessed, issues with memory due to brain damage /memory issues from the war and surgery, multiple ex girlfriends aborting your babies, multiple manipulative ex girlfriends who still 'wanted you'/wouldn't leave you alone, multiple ex girlfriends you claimed 'went crazy', the ex who used her child to force you to stay with her for two years, the ex who tricked you to stay with her by pretending to be pregnant, severe PTSD from 10years of intense combat in Iraq and Afghanistan, your body insecurity, your claim to have been single/celibate for the past 3-4 years real?? You telling me you wanted us to get pregnant?? What about the ex wife from your early 20's? The one you initially told me you left because she tricked you into marriage for more money/military benefits-THEN towards the end of our relationship you told me you actually lost that marriage because you had abused her and your daughter while struggling with your alcoholism?? Which stories were real?
I shouldn't have ever had to question all of this, but your abusive behavior and abrupt abandonment provides me with no other explanation in your absence. I will never be able to get honest information from you..So I'll just optimistically assume most of your stories were false with occasional fragments of truth. There are so many things -if not everything- you said that I seriously question now. Remember in class when you said you had been adopted from England when you were five years old by an American couple?? Haha, then after we were a couple, I went to your house and mentioned it when I saw family pictures plastering the refrigerator ..You froze and asked "Where'd you hear that!? My family doesn't like to talk about the fact that I'm adopted." Did you forget that random lie when you showed me the picture of your lovely pregnant mum last time I saw you?? I suppose it is easy to forget some absurd lies when they're invented pathologically.. I've known you made that story up for quite some time, but I figured you were just simply embarrassed you had made up something weird for fun in class. Who knows!?
But I should've known better than to trust you. In all fairness, you DID warn me in a way. Subtle truths slipped here and there. All the joking about cheating on me with the 19(almost 20)yr old and a woman you'd known forever named after a Rose(who you said wouldn't leave you alone & was SO manipulative)..Was that just you almost being honest because in reality you had three or four ‘girlfriends’?..Or was I the only one you had to lie to the extreme extent of creating the illusion of a serious-relationship status to seduce? Good lawd boy..that's gross and terribly risky for health purposes. You always said we were opposites, yes indeed! The one thing that I am still actually feeling rather angry about (I'll get over it) is that you told me you loved me..over and over the last time I saw you on August 9-10. You had adequately roped me in without throwing that knife into the mix. Yet, I DID say you were very proficient in what you do; that was an excellent way to try to inflict optimum emotional turmoil. Thank God I didn't believe those words coming out of your mouth.
I truly wanted to believe you..to such an extent that I cried as you kept desperately trying to convince me of your love for me and your determination to better yourself with me still in the picture. You got on your knees at the boardwalk as I sat silently weeping and avoiding eye contact. You gently grabbed my hands and urged me to look at you in what mimicked a soft, heartfelt tone. I did..The inflection in your voice seemed deeply sincere as you brilliantly crafted a breathtaking monologue which touched on every single one of my deepest longings and fears. Still, with all of those excessively comforting proclamations of yours, I stood firm in telling you I knew it wasn't real and that I wanted it to be real so badly! I told you those words exactly.. You said it was real & that you were going to prove it to me, that I was what you wanted, and that you were NEVER going to stop fighting for me.
You told me that you wanted us to get married one day and live in a crappy house because you'd never be able to afford a nice one. You started smiling as you spoke of the type of home you could afford for us. For the next several minutes, you excitedly spewed about all of your hopes and big plans for "OUR future." I told you once more, "I don't want to trust you because I know this isn't real, but I want to believe this is real so badly." I started crying and you held me until I calmed down(or gave up.) My brain was dizzy all over again. You had me look into your eyes while you stayed awkwardly silent..I asked what you were doing and you told me "Sorry, it's one of the things I do, I feel like I'm having a conversation with you without talking." I had finally started returning to normalcy; it had been a month since the 2nd(& disgustingly cruel) discard on your 40th birthday..but you just had to come back to give me that final performance.
I'm thankful you did, because part of me was still present in my mind this time around and noticed the subtle things I had missed in our relationship before. I noticed you saying things that sounded nothing like the man I had dated, but sounded just like things you knew (or thought you knew) I wanted to hear..about Christianity and attending couples therapy, as well as individual counseling. I saw big red warning signs. I told you I knew what you were up to..but because I was so addicted, I said to go ahead and do it anyway..
You had broken me in a manner to which I was convinced only you could repair the damage. I'm not broken anymore. The damage is still very much so there, but I will work through the trauma and become even better by learning from this nightmare. I wish negative outcomes would teach you something productive as well, but I don't believe they ever will because you enjoy the plays you mercilessly direct far too much. You love the "power" you have to fool and torment someone else into an agonizing state of mind. Honestly, that evil is something anyone is capable of doing, but most of us have no desire to do something so reprehensible. Even if you hate me, or feel absolutely nothing for me at all, you know by now the truth of my character and heart - regardless of your complete lack of respect for it, and the stories you tell others.
Well sir, have fun with whatever you're up to...and if possible, try not to crush every person whom gives you all they have to offer.
I shouldn't have ever had to question all of this, but your abusive behavior and abrupt abandonment provides me with no other explanation in your absence. I will never be able to get honest information from you..So I'll just optimistically assume most of your stories were false with occasional fragments of truth. There are so many things -if not everything- you said that I seriously question now. Remember in class when you said you had been adopted from England when you were five years old by an American couple?? Haha, then after we were a couple, I went to your house and mentioned it when I saw family pictures plastering the refrigerator ..You froze and asked "Where'd you hear that!? My family doesn't like to talk about the fact that I'm adopted." Did you forget that random lie when you showed me the picture of your lovely pregnant mum last time I saw you?? I suppose it is easy to forget some absurd lies when they're invented pathologically.. I've known you made that story up for quite some time, but I figured you were just simply embarrassed you had made up something weird for fun in class. Who knows!?
But I should've known better than to trust you. In all fairness, you DID warn me in a way. Subtle truths slipped here and there. All the joking about cheating on me with the 19(almost 20)yr old and a woman you'd known forever named after a Rose(who you said wouldn't leave you alone & was SO manipulative)..Was that just you almost being honest because in reality you had three or four ‘girlfriends’?..Or was I the only one you had to lie to the extreme extent of creating the illusion of a serious-relationship status to seduce? Good lawd boy..that's gross and terribly risky for health purposes. You always said we were opposites, yes indeed! The one thing that I am still actually feeling rather angry about (I'll get over it) is that you told me you loved me..over and over the last time I saw you on August 9-10. You had adequately roped me in without throwing that knife into the mix. Yet, I DID say you were very proficient in what you do; that was an excellent way to try to inflict optimum emotional turmoil. Thank God I didn't believe those words coming out of your mouth.
I truly wanted to believe you..to such an extent that I cried as you kept desperately trying to convince me of your love for me and your determination to better yourself with me still in the picture. You got on your knees at the boardwalk as I sat silently weeping and avoiding eye contact. You gently grabbed my hands and urged me to look at you in what mimicked a soft, heartfelt tone. I did..The inflection in your voice seemed deeply sincere as you brilliantly crafted a breathtaking monologue which touched on every single one of my deepest longings and fears. Still, with all of those excessively comforting proclamations of yours, I stood firm in telling you I knew it wasn't real and that I wanted it to be real so badly! I told you those words exactly.. You said it was real & that you were going to prove it to me, that I was what you wanted, and that you were NEVER going to stop fighting for me.
You told me that you wanted us to get married one day and live in a crappy house because you'd never be able to afford a nice one. You started smiling as you spoke of the type of home you could afford for us. For the next several minutes, you excitedly spewed about all of your hopes and big plans for "OUR future." I told you once more, "I don't want to trust you because I know this isn't real, but I want to believe this is real so badly." I started crying and you held me until I calmed down(or gave up.) My brain was dizzy all over again. You had me look into your eyes while you stayed awkwardly silent..I asked what you were doing and you told me "Sorry, it's one of the things I do, I feel like I'm having a conversation with you without talking." I had finally started returning to normalcy; it had been a month since the 2nd(& disgustingly cruel) discard on your 40th birthday..but you just had to come back to give me that final performance.
I'm thankful you did, because part of me was still present in my mind this time around and noticed the subtle things I had missed in our relationship before. I noticed you saying things that sounded nothing like the man I had dated, but sounded just like things you knew (or thought you knew) I wanted to hear..about Christianity and attending couples therapy, as well as individual counseling. I saw big red warning signs. I told you I knew what you were up to..but because I was so addicted, I said to go ahead and do it anyway..
You had broken me in a manner to which I was convinced only you could repair the damage. I'm not broken anymore. The damage is still very much so there, but I will work through the trauma and become even better by learning from this nightmare. I wish negative outcomes would teach you something productive as well, but I don't believe they ever will because you enjoy the plays you mercilessly direct far too much. You love the "power" you have to fool and torment someone else into an agonizing state of mind. Honestly, that evil is something anyone is capable of doing, but most of us have no desire to do something so reprehensible. Even if you hate me, or feel absolutely nothing for me at all, you know by now the truth of my character and heart - regardless of your complete lack of respect for it, and the stories you tell others.
Well sir, have fun with whatever you're up to...and if possible, try not to crush every person whom gives you all they have to offer.
- What led up to this writing is discussed here:
- He returned- again, 9/30-10/6/2020:
- He then returned yet again 2/2021:
- And, of course, he came back once more 7/2021:
- And then I fucked up 12/2021:
- Yeh..and then one more time 1/2022:
- But NEVER again..Game over sir: