NO CONTACT

• Dealing with a Narcissist 

• How to Stop the Cycle

• Euphoric Recall

• This Is the ONLY Option

• When a Narcissist Apologizes.

• Do Narcissist Feel Guilty?

• Modified Contact (for Co-parenting)

Dealing with a Narcissist
 

Blame-shifting 

It is very typical of them to shift the blame to you when you confront them on their malicious behavior. So beware.

Be Informed 

Read as much as you can regarding the narcissist. Learning as much of them will help us deal with them not only today but in the future as well.
 
Please be aware that there are two main types in the narcissism spectrum.

The overt type and the covert narcissist. The covert narcissist is harder to spot and it may take years or decades to identify one.

Validate Yourself 

It is so important that we are confident and secured about ourselves. We must trust ourselves, validate our feelings first so others will do so. Focus on yourself, respect yourself and love yourself. This is what will naturally filter us from becoming the next narcissistic source of supply.

Create Healthy Boundaries

Narcissists hate boundaries. So they will constantly violate our boundaries but that shouldn't stop us from having them. So we also need to set and let them know about the consequences if they decide to take that route. For example, we can say something like: "If you keep screaming at me, I will end the conversation and leave."

Lying 

Narcissist will lie about everything to everyone. They have a mental disorder and they are pathological liars. One of the lies they typically can say in this situation is them claiming that they want to change. They want us to believe that they want to change so we will stick around and won't leave them. This is also a way to control us so they can keep getting their supply from us.

Trust Your Gut Feeling 

Be aware that our body is able to sense when things may not be right. You may find your body react in an unusual way and that's how you know that something is wrong. For example, you may feel your stomach drop, you may get an "icky" feeling after they said something or your eyes may twitch. Be aware and listen and trust your body.

They Are Master Manipulators

They will constantly find ways to control us and many times we get sucked in as they are master manipulators. They will find a way to exploit others so they can get what they want. Some tactics they may apply in this situation are: gaslighting, projection, blame shifting and lying.
 

Narcissists use up so much of our energy when we have physical contact with them but yet we let them drain our energy even more by letting our minds be trapped with their thoughts.
 

Shutting them out of our lives is the best way to find any resolve, as there is no real merit in fighting with insanity.

How to Stop the Cycle

If you want this cycle to stop - and for good - you'll want to stop supplying the narcissist with what they want.

When dealing with a narcissist, the only thing you can do is stand your ground. Refuse to have that weekend argument - walk away or run for the hills. But don't ever get visibly angry: that would feed their ego too much.
 

It won't be easy at first and the narcissist will react with a range of emotions very similar to the grieving process.
  

They might tease or gaslight you at first. Maybe later they'll call you in tears and threaten suicide (which they'll, of course, say is your fault). If none of that works for them, don't rule out violent behavior.
 

Narcissists can get very angry when their manipulation tactics stop working. But for you, that means everything is going as planned.
  

Keep standing your ground and do whatever it takes to get away from them and cut off all communication. Don't give them a chance to shift the blame, become the victim, and make you feel sorry for them.
 

How to Shut Down a Narcissist

Not everyone's situation is the same. Abuse victims often find out they're dating, living with, or even raising a family with a narcissist after quite some time. In other cases, you're dealing with a narcissist in your family or work environment.
 

When you decide to finally break free, a lot of people may not believe your experience. That's okay, they don't have to because you know the truth. Still, cutting a person out of your life isn't easy - especially one clinging to you for life. Here are some tips to start dealing with a narcissist the right way:

Block Everything

Phone numbers, social media accounts, email addresses, carrier pigeons. If you leave a loophole for the narcissist to contact you, they will exploit it.

Find Support

This may only include one or two people you trust. Confide in someone who will validate and believe you.

Consider a PPO

You don't know how the narcissist will behave once you cut them off. They may become violent or stalk you, your family members, and friends.

Let People Know

Tell mutual friends you don't want them to relay any messages from the narcissist - no need to explain why if you aren't comfortable. This will close every last channel and thoroughly shut down a narcissist.

Euphoric Recall

How It Makes You Crave the Narcissist 

You're sitting at home alone and suddenly you remember all the happy times you had together with the narcissist. All the laughs, the excitement, and adoration.

Maybe you should respond to that text. Maybe you could have done a few things differently in the relationship yourself. No one's perfect, right?
 

Well, the truth is, your mind is playing tricks on you because of something called euphoric recall.

Euphoric recall is causing you to remember all the happy times and minimize the bad.

It's a defense mechanism and, in the case of narcissistic abuse, it's dangerous.

Euphoric Recall and Addiction Recovery

Euphoric recall is a psychological term for the tendency of people to remember past experiences in a positive light, while overlooking negative experiences associated with that event or person. Individuals may become obsessed with recreating the remembered pleasures of the past.
 

Euphoric recall is arguably the driving factor behind chronic relapsing in addiction recovery. Chronic relapsers are people in alcohol or drug recovery who have no problem maintaining sobriety for months or even years.
 

But at some point, thoughts start creeping into their head that "just one won't hurt." They think about all the times they had a few drinks and didn't drive drunk or start a fight. They dismiss the nights spent in jail, hangovers, and arguments.
 

Their mind convinces them to have that one drink and it all spirals from there. Maybe not that same day, maybe not even that week or month, but the addiction eventually comes back in full force.
 

Euphoric recall happens because our brains are wired to avoid suffering and seek comfort. 

When you're in the throes of euphoric recall, you remember all the happy times during your relationship with the narcissist. Your brain desperately wants to experience those euphoric times again - so much in fact, that it conveniently forgets or minimizes the intense abuse you suffered.
 

You'll gaslight yourself. You'll convince yourself that you have your own problems to work on and could have done a few things differently yourself. You'll resort to leveling to justify giving in to the narcissist's hoovering- or even reach out to the narcissist on your own accord!
  

How Does Euphoric Recall Fit into Narcissistic Abuse Recovery? 

Going No Contact with a narcissist puts you in the same situation as someone going through addiction recovery.
 

Narcissists manipulate you into a love addiction.
 

In the beginning, during the love-bombing phase, the narcissist gives you a high - you feel on top of the world. They shower you with affection and promises. You believe this is the greatest relationship in the world and nothing could ever compare.
  

Before you know it, the love-bombing has disappeared and is replaced with insults, manipulation, and gaslighting. You feel like a shell of who you once were - just like an addict at rock bottom.
 

When the narcissist feels like you might be getting fed up and slipping away, they'll dole out small "hits" of love bombing again to keep you hooked and hopeful. They'll promise to change (with no intention of changing). Before you know it, the abuse has returned with vengeance.
 

When Does Euphoric Recall Happen?

People suffering from the disease of addiction understand that recovery isn't linear.
  

Chronic relapsers are well aware of a phenomenon called pink cloud syndrome. Pink cloud syndrome happens a few weeks or months after getting clean.
  

After breaking their dependence on a substance, their brain chemistry starts shifting back to baseline producing its own serotonin, dopamine, and GABA again. Pink cloud syndrome happens a few weeks or months after getting clean.
 

In the pink cloud, they're so ecstatic to be clean and living a good life. The world looks bright and they feel like a kid again, rebuilding their identity and experiencing everything they couldn't do during active addiction.
 

But the pink cloud eventually wears off and reality sets in. Their daily routine gets boring and all the problems they faced before or during addiction are still there.. Suddenly, picking up a hit or a drink doesn't seem like such a bad idea to break the monotony. The world sucks - how can anyone go through it 100% sober?
 

That's euphoric recall kicking in. They remember all the reasons they started using or drinking in the first place. They remember how good it felt to get drunk, buzzed, or high.
 

When you leave a relationship with a narcissist, you'll also go through the pink cloud phase. You'll be thrilled to have your freedom back and start rebuilding your identity. Then, the reality of boring ole daily life hits you. You feel lonely. Suddenly, the love-bombing sounds pretty darn exciting.
 

Just like someone in addiction recovery, people going through narcissistic abuse recovery must prepare themselves for the pink cloud to wear off and euphoric recall to set in.
 

How to Avoid Succumbing to Euphoric Recall

You can't avoid the euphoric stage from hitting you but you CAN take a few steps to avoid breaking No Contact.
 

Play the Tape 

People going through addiction recovery are told to "play the tape" when they get cravings to use. Imagine you had a time-lapse video of your entire relationship with the narcissist.
 

If you were to watch such a tape, you would see a clear cause-effect pattern. You would see that giving in to the euphoria just for a little love bombing always leads back to the cycle of narcissistic abuse. 

Make a List of the Relationship's Abuse

When people go through addiction recovery programs, they're encouraged to make a list of their shortcomings and all the ways they've harmed people during their addiction. It's part of learning about your resentments and why you use or drink so you can move past and make amends. 
 

After you go No Contact with the narcissist, the first thing you should do is make a list of all the ways the narcissist has harmed you. Get specific if you have to. How many nights and weekends did you spend fighting?
 

How many times did they promise to change?
 

How many times did they insult and degrade you?
 

It's also a good idea to think of anyone in your own life who may have suffered as a result of your abusive relationship. This might include children, parents, siblings, and good friends.
 

Go back to the lists every time you feel compelled to break No Contact. 
 

Acknowledge Euphoric Recall for What It Is

Don't repress the urge -
Acknowledge it for what it is. Ignoring your urge to break No Contact will just force it to reappear later, perhaps when you're in an even more vulnerable mental state.
 

Instead, look at the urge objectively. You can't always control the cravings or thoughts but you CAN control how you react to and manage them.
 

Do you act on every thought that comes into your head? Of course not! Treat this urge to break No Contact the same way. 

People in addiction recovery are taught not to think of sobriety as "forever" if that feels terrifying. They're encouraged to think of sobriety as "just for today," every day. If thinking of No Contact long-term is too overwhelming, just try to get through each day.
 

Reach Out to a Support Group

Relationships with narcissists involve trauma bonding and love addiction. If it creates suffering in your life, you're welcome to join. (Be mindful, however, that many narcissistic abuse recovery groups have been infiltrated by narcissists because it's an easy way for them to scope out new supply sources.) 
 

It's important to work through a specific narcissistic abuse recovery program from a qualified mentor. However, sometimes you just need to connect with people in real life in a larger group to build community support. 
 

You're Stronger Than Euphoric Recall

Keeping No Contact isn't easy but it's the best decision you'll ever make for yourself.
 

No matter what you tell yourself during euphoric recall, that doesn't change the fact that your relationship with the narcissist was abusive.
 

You deserve more than manipulation and love addiction. You deserve the freedom to build an identity and surround yourself with supportive people.
 

Recovery involves rewriting everything you thought you knew about yourself. It requires rebuilding your identity - or in many cases building an identity for the first time.
 

Like someone suffering from substance abuse, you need to avoid relapse by learning about yourself, habits, and triggers.    

 Kim Siaeed

This Is the Only Option

No, they won't change.

The malignant narcissist will not suddenly see things your way. If they ever do, it’s: 

a) for a fleeting moment and 

b) to use against you later.
 

Personality disorders occur because of a repetitive stimuli-reward environment. At some point in their life, the narcissist realized they could elicit specific reactions and emotions from people - and it felt good and helped them achieve their self-fulfilling agendas.
 

Anything less than cutting them out of your life will give you a mental and emotional breakdown. 
 

Nope, They STILL Won’t Change-
 

No Contact is the Only Way to Shut Down a Narcissist
 

Many narcissists have always been this way - even as far back as their teenage or childhood years. If you're dealing with a narcissist, you cannot and should not expect them to change their behavior now or ever.
 

Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder often involves things like cognitive behavioral therapy. In many cases, a narcissist may also suffer from other mental illnesses like depression or substance use disorder. (You've probably heard extensively about these problems, too, when the narcissist needs your sympathy or someone to blame.)
 

Despite this, there is little evidence to suggest therapy actually works for narcissists as personality disorders are notoriously difficult to treat...With narcissistic personalities the main obstacle is that the first step to getting help is to admit a problem exists- the narcissist will likely never believe they have or are a problem.
 

No Contact is the only option.

Trust in yourself and your support system. Because once you get to the other side and stick to No Contact, you'll be amazed by all the amazing things you can accomplish.

When a Narcissist Apologizes

Narcissists do have the ability to apologize.
 

When narcissists apologize, does this mean they feel guilty for what they did to you?
 

No. The reason they apologize is that they don't like to face the consequences.
 

If you really pay attention, as they apologize, you can identify a pattern that involves blame shifting.
 

If you call them out for making excuses they will most likely point it back to you. Blaming others and not taking responsibility for their behavior is typical for a narcissist. 
 

They will constantly lie and make illogical excuses to get out of the situation.
 

Apologizing is only to move away from the consequences when they are confronted but if you listen carefully you will find that it's never (ever) their fault.
 

When you choose to confront the narcissist, it is wise to expect denial. 
 

They will deny it so well that you just may end up believing them. This in itself is one of their tactics as well.
 

Their ultimate goal is to destroy everything that they see is good and worthy only because they know they can never achieve or possess it. They will take it away from you by destroying who you are from the core.
 

They will do it by attacking your emotional and mental health by making you second guess yourself and make you feel insane just as if you are the one with the mental disorder. Sick.
 

Narcissist will be able to achieve this through manipulation and gaslighting.

Do Narcissists Feel Guilty? 

The only method that actually produces any results—
 

The only way to completely shut down a narcissist is to cut them out of your life in every way, shape, and form.
 

You can't respond with understanding and kindness.
 

You can't move across the country and continue to text them. 
 

You can't "take a break" and see what happens in a few weeks or months.
 

They need to go.
 

This might sound harsh - especially if you've built a family or close relationship with them - but it's the only way. 
 

You need to acknowledge that this is an abusive situation with a person who will never understand or care that their behavior is wrong.
 

Even if you've known or lived with them for years, it may be that you've never experienced the narcissist's true self.
 

Everything the narcissist says or does is a ploy to extract certain reactions and emotions from others. 

Sometimes the narcissist wants you to feel sad and sorry for them.
 

Maybe the next day they'd like it if you felt guilty or worthless. 

To the narcissist, the weekend is a perfect opportunity for a nice long fight with every emotion possible thrown around.

https://medium.com/@OwnYourReality/when-to-bury-the-hope-that-the-narcissist-will-change-e9a0130ffb63

Modified Contact

Co-parenting with a Narcissist.
 
Is there really such a thing?

Not really.
 

There's "parallel parenting", which is more like sending your child off into another dimension while you are forced to let go of questionable goings-on over there. You die a little inside as you surrender the urge to influence when your child goes to bed, brushes their teeth, and what they see on TV.
 

You lament the ex's attempts at last-minute changes in schedule and spontaneous cancellations. Even worse, the fact that on the narcissist's end, your child may be handed over to babysitters and blasé family members while the narcissist continues his or her agenda of living free from parental responsibilities.
 

In other cases, the ex continues their oppressive tactics of calling and texting at all hours, showing up unannounced to your residence, and forcing themselves onto your property and into your home as if they are still very much a part of your life. Perhaps you stand meekly aside (uttering a feeble, half-hearted protest) while they bull their way into your child's room, rip their report card off the dresser, and blame your child's "C" on your "below-standard parenting practices".
 

Implementing No Contact when you share kids may seem difficult, but it is definitely possible. It requires something I call Extreme Modified Contact.
 

Full disclaimer, though, it will entail acting in ways you wouldn't even consider under normal circumstances. Not only towards the ex, but also in developing a forced coolness when it comes to your child.
 

First and foremost, you MUST accept that being civil and mature is not part of the narcissist's makeup. Therefore, do not settle into a false sense of security when the narcissist assures you they will come through for the kids or be honest with you going forward.
 

When you are deceived by their tricks and ulterior motives, they see it as an invitation to keep taking advantage of you...and to continue their tyranny and dictatorship over your life.
 

How to Do No Contact When You Share Kids

It's time to overthrow their oppressive regime and take your life back into your hands. 
 

Following are some basic steps to stop the madness and start experiencing a sense of stability. It's called 'Extreme Modified Contact' and here's a snapshot of what it looks like in real life:
 

1 - Don't Let Your Cell Phone Be Your Downfall

Does it seem no matter how hard you try, you'll never be free from the narcissist's nefarious games?
 

If you suffer from out-of-the-blue, or semi-automatic text messages from the narcissist that catch you off guard (or cause anxiety, never knowing when you'll be attacked), the only way to squash these despicable games is to change your cell phone number and refuse to give it to your ex.
 

In most states, you are only required to have one outlet of communication for the other parent to contact you regarding your children. This could include land-line, email, or even better, a court-appointed email system.
 

Having the ex contact you by email is especially nice since most everyone has their email set up to go to their phone, anyway. This way, you can read the email and decide whether you need to respond right away. It also cuts down on ambushes because emailing takes more effort.
 

Texting, SMS, and messaging platforms are very easy venues for the Narcissist to attack at will. Cut out that option for them.
 

Not only will it decrease the number of stealth attacks, but you will also have some nice email documentation to present to the court if you ever have to file a harassment order or simply want to demonstrate his or her instability.
 

Under no circumstances should you agree to put into your custody agreement that they can contact you through your cell phone at their whim, regardless of whether they're a doctor who's always on call, a nomadic salesman who's constantly overseas, or a trapeze artist in a traveling circus.
 

If you are truly serious about your freedom, don't allow them to contact you through your cell phone.
 

Even if you use it for work, have had your number for years, are on someone else's plan, don't want to "show them they're winning", or because they'll throw a fit.
 

Yes, they'll throw a fit. This is the main tool they use to control and dominate you.
 

Leaving them with access to contact you through your cell phone is the number one, sure-fire way to ensure you will never be free from their toxic influence. Of course, once you've implemented this new boundary, you'll want to make sure you don't call them on their cell phone either, especially if there is a restraining order on file.

2 - You don't have to answer the phone every time they call

Let's assume you've taken care of step one.
 

What should you do if they call your house phone numerous times a day? 

Easy. Let it go to voicemail and then determine if you need to respond.
 

Better yet, make sure you outline in your custody agreement exactly what days and times they can call your home to check on the kids.
 

When the narcissist calls, it's usually to blame and shame you for some fabricated sin. This is done in order to look like a concerned parent in front of a new partner or even in front of your kid(s).
 

Never mind that they haven't paid child support for seven months and canceled the kids from their insurance (no one knows about that except you).
 

Why participate in that? If you do engage in conversation, hang up the moment the focus deviates from the kids or the ex turns abusive. You can offer a warning the first few times, but simply hang up after that. No explanation needed.

3 - Set a date for when they'll no longer be allowed inside your residence

Your home is supposed to be a place where you feel safe; your haven; your sanctuary from the world. For this reason, if you've been letting the ex come inside your home, you'll want to set a date for when this will stop.
 

You have the right to insist that they no longer enter your residence.
 

Notify them that you've made this decision - and don't fall for the "let's be civil for the kids' sake" morality-laced spew. All narcissists say this, and the one in your life is no different.
 

If they attempt to disrespect your request, inform them you will notify the authorities. Then follow through, if necessary.
 

This is not only necessary to implement a new way of life for you, but also to eliminate under-handed schemes often employed by tricky narcissists. These tactics may include planting spyware on your computer and in your home, stealing heirlooms and other valuables (including cash), raiding your home in search of evidence of a new partner, or simply a ploy to keep you feeling off-balance and subjugated.
 

Trust that they're a jerk. You're not doing anyone any favors by letting the narcissist inside your home - except for the narcissist.

4 - Don't feel that you have to go along with their requests for schedule changes.

Does your ex often make last-minute plans that don't involve the kids - during their time with them - and want you to jump in and smooth things over?
 

That's not up to you.
 

As painful as it might be in regards to your children, don't allow your ex to get comfortable with this destructive habit. If you agree to it once, it will become a part of your long-term arrangement. It not only upsets your kids' routines, it opens the door for your ex to continue taking advantage of you.
 

If you do make any exceptions, they should only be in the event of their confirmed illness or injury. Are they claiming they've broken a toe-bone? Been diagnosed with a crippling disease? Request documentation from the hospital.
 

Your ex needs to make their personal plans during the times your kids are with you. Not the other way around. If you cave each time this happens, it makes it more difficult for you to have a case in the event you want to file for a modification of custody later. Don't set yourself up for that.
 

In fact, if this happens on a regular basis, make sure you document everything and present it to your attorney. You may have grounds to file for a custody modification.

5 - Summon the Law of Attraction when it comes to your kids.

It's easy to fall into insanity and obsession wondering what's happening while your kids are with the ex.

Create a vision board and place index cards on it with quotes such as: "________" (insert child's name) is always safe and healthy; "_________" knows I'm a wonderful parent; "_______" is always happy. Whatever is applicable and relieves your anxiety. In spite of your worry, try to visualize your kids being nurtured and loved. 

Place happy pictures of them on or near your vision board. Place their well-being into the hands of God/Source/Divine Intelligence and be the best parent you can be when they are with you. Embrace what you can control and let go of that which you can't.

If you suspect any kind of abuse, start documenting and contact social services if necessary.
It's important to remember that what often feels obligatory is simply your conscientiousness firing. 

You want to be fair, do unto others what you'd have done unto you and all of that. Except, it doesn't work with narcissists.

Nothing changes if nothing changes

It's hard to break old habits. Especially ones that form inside toxic environments because trauma bonds must be broken in order to move forward.
 

You cannot rely on the narcissist to finally leave you alone. This is something you must enforce on your own.
 

You must implement a different set of rules with them and not feel guilty about it. 
 

Remember, you wouldn't be forced to do all of these things if not for who they are. Stand up for yourself and your right to a calm environment inside your own home.

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