Sections:

• The Narcissist

• The Narcissism Spectrum

• Causes of Narcissism

• 10 Types of Narcissists 

• The Disastrous Eventuality

• Are Narcissists Evil? 

• Do Narcissists Have Emotions?

• What Narcissism & CPTSD Have In Common

Related:     The Aging Narcissist        Narcissistic Rage

The Narcissist

It is a common misconception that narcissists love themselves. They actually dislike themselves immensely. Their inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely covers for the self-loathing they don't admit-usually even to themselves. Instead, it's projected outward in their disdain for and criticism of others.
  

In effect, narcissism is a love deficit, a wound so traumatizing to the person that their brain capacity to empathize and feel genuine sense of pleasure from loving another is zonked, and in its place are elevated levels of guarded aggression.
 

To the extent a narcissist hates and feels scorn for human traits of love and caring, kindness and compassion, in himself and others, keeps himself walled off from all that brings beauty and meaning - and some semblance of normalcy - to human life. Such derision makes the narcissist feel superior and are the ossified remains of a defense mechanism gone awry.
 

They're too afraid to look at themselves, because they believe that the truth would be devastating. They don't have much of a "self" at all. Emotionally, they're dead inside and they hunger to be filled and validated by others. Sadly, they are unable to appreciate the love they do get and they alienate those who give it. 
 

A sense of entitlement, disregard for other people, and other aspects of Narcissism damages relationships. After an initial romance, they expect appreciation of their specialness and specific responses through demands and criticism in order to manage their internal environment and protect against their high sensitivity to humiliation and shame.
 

Relationships revolve around them, and they experience their mates as extensions of themselves. Narcissists are easily stung by criticism or defeat and often react with disdain and rage.
 

Many narcissists are perfectionists. Nothing others do is right or appreciated. Their partners are expected to meet their endless needs when needed-for admiration, service, love, or purchases- and are dismissed when not. That their partner is ill or in pain is inconsequential.
 

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/what-you-should-know-about-narcissists-their-partners-and-npd-cmtt

The Narcissism Spectrum

Many psychological conditions exist along a spectrum. We've come to appreciate this in recent years. And so it is with character disturbance. It exists along spectra of both quality and degree. That's also the way it is with narcissism.  
 

The narcissism spectrum is particularly broad and complex. That's because both the type (quality) and severity (degree) of narcissism can vary considerably. But narcissism is the hallmark attribute of our age of egocentricity and entitlement. So, understanding the narcissism spectrum can help anyone navigate through our increasingly character-disturbed world more effectively.
 

We're all narcissistic to some degree. In fact, we begin our lives as fairly self-absorbed, egocentric creatures. But most of us grow out of this stage. We grow in our awareness and appreciation of others. Hopefully, we also come to see ourselves as part of something much bigger than ourselves. This enables us to steadily overcome our inherent narcissism. 
 

But some of us seem to have difficulty moving out of this stage. And, depending on how our innate traits and experiences shape our ways of coping, the manifestations of our narcissism can be quite problematic.
 
 

Narcissism as a thing is just a symptom, so to speak. It's a pathology that can exist in anyone, not just someone diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or one of the other cluster B personality disorders. However, at a certain level, narcissism becomes pathological, even malignant. This is why it's possible for people to have narcissistic traits but not be pathologically narcissistic.
 

The spectrum starts out on one end with balanced self-focus, or what we sometimes hear called "healthy narcissism," which would be things like balanced, realistic self-esteem, assertiveness and other helpful attributes.
 

The further down the spectrum it goes, though, the less helpful and the more detrimental these things become. Realistic self-esteem becomes arrogance, or it becomes insecurity. Assertiveness becomes aggressiveness, or it becomes capitulation.
 

The further down the spectrum a person is, the more focus on the self there will be, and therefore the greater the inability to distinguish the self from the external world around it. The more focus on the self there is, the more destructive and damaging the personality traits and behaviors are.
 

A person can be egotistical, for instance, and sure they are right to the point of argument, but if you can prove them wrong or show them facts that contradict their belief, they will accept those facts. They will accept that they are wrong and change their belief. Their narcissistic traits are strong, but they are not too rigid and inflexible to adapt to the situation. 
 

What we see in pathological narcissism is the inability to adapt. 
 

We see the inability to accept input from the external world and use it to moderate their own feelings and beliefs.
 

They actually do the opposite of that; they believe feelings are facts, so their feelings and beliefs moderate and modify their perception of the external world until everything agrees with how they feel, rather than simply seeing and accepting reality for what it is.
 

This is why they cannot seem to accept that they are wrong, even when demonstrably proven so. Their narcissistic traits are too inflexible to be able to adapt to the situation.
 

This is usually tied in with their perception and/or whichever disorder they may have. The perception of pathologically narcissistic people is too clouded to be able to understand that there is a problem with the way they are behaving or the conclusions that they are coming to. 
 

Narcissism has become not just a trait for them but their entire way of being. Preservation of the self and fulfillment of need becomes the obsessive focus of the entire personality. 
 

This is not considered ordered or healthy functioning because it impairs the person's perception, their ability to relate to others and their ability to function in general. 
 

They are, in a very real way, unable to see past their narcissism. This is when we call someone a narcissist. This is also often - but not always - when people are diagnosed with a personality disorder.
 

All of the cluster b personality disorders fall on the pathological end of the narcissistic spectrum. This means that with all cluster b personality disordered individuals, the level of narcissism is disproportionately high. It's toxic, destructive and obsessive. The narcissistic traits displayed by these people are rigid, inflexible and detrimental to their general functioning.
  

The cluster b personality disorders are Histrionic, Borderline, Narcissistic and Antisocial. There are generally different levels of narcissism involved in each disorder. For example, the level of narcissism you see in a person with Histrionic Personality Disorder is usually not the same as the level of narcissism you would see in a person with Antisocial Personality Disorder. There is some overlap with these though, and it is not uncommon for a person to be diagnosed with more than one cluster B personality disorder.
 

For example, we often see people diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or BPD, NPD and APD. The most common comorbid condition - besides substance abuse - with a cluster b personality disorder is another cluster b personality disorder. 
 

This means that people with cluster b personality disorders are pathologically narcissistic. Their focus on themselves is so disproportionate, so obsessive and so toxic that it literally affects the way their brain works.
 

There are different levels of narcissism in human behavior. Some are helpful, others are not helpful or even detrimental. 
 

The further down the spectrum it goes, the more toxic these traits become, until you end up with someone who has no understanding or feeling for other living things at all.
 

Healthy vs. Pathological Self-Love

There's nothing wrong with loving oneself. In fact, an unfortunate number of folks bring all manner of pain into their lives because of their lack of self-love. They neither love themselves enough nor know how to love themselves properly. But self-love can be pathological, too. And how self-love becomes pathological is partly what the narcissism spectrum is all about.
  

Unless we love ourselves, we can't possibly love another very well. But we first have to understand the nature of authentic love. Simply defined, loving is wishing someone well. Inauthentic love is not about well-wishing. Sometimes, it's about affirmation. Other times, it's about admiration or even adulation. These things are substitutes for real love, and poor substitutes at that. 

Unfortunately, they're what we'll sometimes settle for in the absence of the genuine article. And while that's sad, it's still not necessarily pathological. But pursuing adulation or affirmation, especially for its own sake, is indeed pathological. (By pathological, I mean toxic to sound character formation.) And how rabidly and intractably we pursue these substitutes for genuine love bespeaks our level of character pathology.

Source: https://www.drgeorgesimon.com/narcissism-spectrum/ https://pairedlife.com/problems/The-Narcissistic-Spectrum

Causes of Narcissism 

Children by nature are narcissistic...and this is completely normal. Their self-esteem is regulated by external influences and they need others to admire them in order to feel good about themselves. Thus, the reason why we, as parents, provide positive reinforcement to our children..
 

When a child is abused, their brain reacts defensively. The child's needs are not being fulfilled, so (among other things) they begin to focus on themselves in self-defense. "If I cannot rely on my family to fulfill my needs, I will have to do it myself." Over time, and since abuse usually continues over years, this turns into inflexible, pathological focus on the self and their own needs.
 

While many of them likely had the capacity for empathy at one point, they are unable to develop empathy or learn to care about other people because they are too focused on surviving.
 

Unfortunately, the things that need to happen with children's development so that they learn to fulfill their own needs does not seem to happen with narcissists, probably because they are never able to recover from the abuse since it never stops.
 

They can never process things and heal or move on. They become stuck in a loop of defending themselves and trying to survive, and they are unable to progress in their development past a certain point. They use immature "emergency" type of defense mechanisms and coping strategies to deal with things in between incidents of abuse.
 

They were never able to develop more mature coping mechanisms or learn how to deal with their emotions or situations correctly. It's why with some narciasists everything is an emergency and everything is the worst thing that ever happened. It is also why nothing is a tragedy to other narcissists and nothing seems to matter at all. These particular narcissists learned to cope by not reacting. The differences here are probably based on individual personalities and what worked for them in the past. 
 

At the end of the day, it seems that there is agreement that some of the risk factors in early childhood include:

• insensitive parenting,

• unpredictable or negligent care,

• excessive criticism,

• abuse,

• trauma,

• extremely high expectations, and

• over-praising and excessive pampering, when parents focus intensely on the child's appearance or particular talent (usually as a result of their own lack of self-esteem).
    

Let's say there are two different children who are living in abusive situations. Child A may have found that crying and becoming emotional caused the abuser to back off, while Child B may have found that this only made the abuse worse.
  

Over time, Child A would be conditioned to react emotionally and Child B would be conditioned to not react at all. This is just an example, of course, because there are as many different types of situations as there are people in the world, but in general, that is how human behavior works: behavior that has been rewarded will be repeated and behavior that has been punished or even just not rewarded will be abandoned. 
 

It is the case with both types of people that their feelings are overwhelming, disproportionate and threatening to them because they have never learned how to experience or deal with them normally. 
 

Consequently, their feelings dictate their entire experience. This is their only reality. It is sadly ironic that the very feelings which run their entire lives are experienced as so frightening and alien by narcissists, as if they are coming from some unknown source and cannot be trusted.
 

There is also the biological factor. It may be that some people are predisposed to narcissism for whatever reason. In these cases, abuse or environmental situations would still factor in, but would only be part of it. At any rate, it seems that the earlier and the more abusive the childhood situation is, the worse the narcissism will be in general. 
 

Abusing children, neglecting them, invalidating them, ignoring them, spoiling them, abandoning them, enabling them... all of these things can play a role in the development of narcissistic adults. Most narcissistic people, including psychopaths, do have a history of abuse.

There is what seems to be a single exception, and that is the relatively rare phenomenon known as "cold children." These children seem to be born psychopathic and seem to have experienced no abuse or abandonment at all. Whereas most children - even children that grow into narcissistic adults - seem to want love from their parents and are destroyed when they don't get it, these so-called "cold children" reject it. Love does not seem important to them and they are not interested in it.

Source: https://pathwaysfamilycoaching.com/types-of-narcissists

10 Types of Narcissists

Written by Monique Mason
 

NPD is one of four cluster B personality disorders, as outlined in the DSM, and many parents responsible for manipulating their children into rejecting the other parent present with at least some of the symptoms of this disorder.

First, I want to say that NPD is tricky! The reason being that someone with the disorder can present in so many different ways...likely because it often coexists with other disorders. In fact, the American Psychiatric Association even considered removing the disorder from their latest version of the DSM, their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for mental disorders, with the predominant reason being the limited amount of formal research on the disorder.

Interesting fact...according to the American Journal of Psychiatry, it has been one of the least studied personality disorders with no clinical trials being done on a possible treatment for the disorder. Pretty scary, especially considering how prevalent it appears to be.
 

What is a Narcissist?

Narcissists generally believe they are superior to others and are entitled to special treatment. They exhibit a pervading pattern of grandiosity sometimes in their behavior, and other times just in fantasies of success and power. Under the surface, they do not love themselves (which I believe means that they are incapable of truly loving anyone else). They are driven by shame, have a constant need for admiration, and will go to great lengths to protect their fragile egos, with their coping mechanisms being straight-up abusive. Lastly, and probably the most well-known symptom of the disorder, is their blatant lack of empathy for others.

Now, because one narcissist can present very differently than the next, I decided to scour the internet looking for information on how exactly to categorize the different types of narcissists that walk among us, and there seemed to be a wide range of terms used, sometimes to describe the same pattern of behaviors, which only adds to the confusion surrounding this under-studied form of personality disorder.
 

Types

Researchers have identified four main types of narcissists, each exhibiting different behaviors in an effort to protect their fragile inner core sense of self. Within each of these three types are six sub-types that characterize how the traits may appear to others.

It is also important to keep in mind that these different types are generalizations, and not every narcissist is going to fit neatly into one single category. As with all things in life, there are always shades of grey and a narcissist may cross over more than one type.
 

Classic

Classic narcissists are the typical narcissists that most people think of when they hear the term "narcissist", also described as high-functioning, exhibitionistic, or grandiose narcissists. They exhibit attention seeking behavior, tend to brag about their accomplishments, feel entitled to special treatment and expect others to bow down and kiss their feet. They really aren't interested in anyone but themselves, and get easily bored when the conversation turns away from them. They tend to perceive themselves to be superior to most people, but ironically are desperate to feel important.
 

Vulnerable

The second major type of narcissist is the vulnerable narcissist, also sometimes called fragile, compensatory or closet narcissists. Like the classic narcissists, they also feel superior to most people they meet; however, they are more introverted and despise being the center of attention. They prefer to attach themselves to special people instead of seeking the special treatment themselves. They are more likely to seek out pity from others or flatter and suck up to others, sometimes through excessive generosity, just to receive the attention and admiration they desire to boost their sense of self-worth.
 

Communal

The third major type of narcissist is the communal narcissist. This type is a little trickier to spot at first glance because they focus on promoting themselves through their commitment to others, communal goals, and their self-proclaimed super-ability to listen and connect with others. They will often give to charities (or brag about how little they spend on themselves) and volunteer their time "helping" others. They may talk about their "life's mission" in grandiose terms or commit themselves to a cause that will "change the world".

Although they appear selfless on the surface, dig a little deeper and you may find that they are hugely territorial of the charity they serve and much more concerned with receiving a pat on the back for their contribution rather than the communal goal they are supposedly working toward. The truth of the matter is that they are only involved in community to validate their sorely lacking sense of self.
 

Malignant

The fourth and final major type of narcissist is the malignant, or toxic, narcissist. They are highly manipulative and exploit others (typically for pleasure). These narcissists tend to display paranoia and antisocial traits not present in classic, vulnerable, or communal narcissists. They can be ruthless in their primary goal to control and dominate others. They are deceitful and aggressive. Worse yet, they lack remorse for their actions.

If you are concerned you may be stuck in a relationship with or are dealing with a narcissistic ex that is endangering your children, I encourage you to reach out for help. 
 

Sub-Type 1: Overt vs. Covert

As I mentioned earlier, each of these major types of narcissists include sub-types that characterize how the traits may appear to others. The first sub-type describes the methods the narcissist uses to get his or her needs met...Are they overt and use methods that are obvious and out in the open for all to see? Or are they covert and use methods that are stealthier and more secretive? For example, we all know that narcissists like to deliver insults and put people down. An overt narcissist will do so in obvious and unmistakable ways, while a covert narcissist will do so in more passive-aggressive ways. A covert narcissist can manipulate others without them knowing they were manipulated, or their tactics allow them to deny what happened.

Classic and communal narcissists are always overt, and vulnerable narcissists are always covert; however, when it comes to malignant narcissists...they can be either.
 

Sub-Type 2: Somatic vs. Cerebral

The second sub-type defines what the narcissist values most in him or herself and others. No narcissist wants to be out-shined by their partner. Their partner is viewed more like a shiny object they can show off to raise their own social status. This sub-type includes somatic narcissists, who are obsessed with their bodies and their external appearance, and cerebral narcissists who come across as know-it-alls. They view themselves as the most intelligent ones in the room, and like to try to impress people with their accomplishments. Any of the four major types of narcissists - classic, vulnerable, communal or malignant - can be either somatic or cerebral.
 

Sub-Type 3: Inverted vs. Sadistic

The last and final sub-type includes a couple of special types of narcissists. The first special sub-type is the inverted narcissist, which only applies to vulnerable, covert narcissists. This group of narcissists are codependent and tend to attach themselves to other narcissists to feel special. They tend to have a victim mindset and suffer from child abandonment issues.

The second special sub-type is the sadistic narcissist...a special type of malignant narcissist. This group is comparable to sociopaths and psychopaths in that they take great pleasure in others' pain. They like humiliating and hurting people, and sometimes have bizarre sexual fetishes.

Source: https://pathwaysfamilycoaching.com/types-of-narcissists

The Disastrous Eventuality for Narcissists

Are Narcissists Evil?

Sometimes it may be evil, but definitely not always.

(It’s still more than ok to be angry with the mistreatment and evil done to you by them.)

  

When it comes to highly narcissistic individuals, it's usually a personality disorder designed to protect them from abuse whose aversion to trauma is so powerful that they are locked in their harmful behavior and they should be kept at the very least at arms' length and in conversations that have very limited scope and rigid boundaries.
 

It's important not to let them get you doubting yourself or feeling bad for not being able to find a convincing argument to counter theirs.
 

They often start arguments just to make your lose your cool or make you feel powerless and get the upper hand.
 

They're locked in a vicious cycle created by trauma and nothing you do will ever change that or change how they treat you. It's best to walk away.
 

Their life is already worse than anything you could wish on them. Personality disorders are most often a response to trauma. And narcissistic personality disorder is almost impossible to cure because it tends to cause the person afflicted with NPD to play mind games with therapists. It's a really awful personality disorder.
 

They're really tied up quite tightly by their personality disorder and it's almost impossible to treat NPD because narcissists play mind games with therapists and aren't capable of being vulnerable enough for therapy to be helpful.
 

Unfortunately, society not only normalizes narcissistic behavior (whilst also shunning and blaming victims of trauma) but it encourages it. Capitalism is a narcissist's dream because the only rule is "Die with the most toys." The only way to deal with a person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder is to stop feeding it by reducing your contact with them and limiting their ability to do harm.
 

I personally have struggled with narcissistic abuse from my family as well as landlords and roommates and I believe that cutting them off was the best decision I ever made.
 

It became crystal clear that they were only arguing with me to get me to lower myself to their level and fight back and had no interest in actually discussing or resolving the issue they were raising.
 

They were just systematically going through a list of my insecurities and seeing what would make me lose my cool which is their only goal. It would have been hilarious if it hadn't been so sad. And they did it because I tried to hold them to the same standard that they held me to. They were triggered. And I realized that all of the nice things they did for me was grooming and something to put in the bank and use as emotional blackmail later.
 

I was finally able to see that nothing they did or said had anything to do with anything that was "wrong" with me and everything to do with this personality disorder they were trapped in.
 

It was freeing but it also made me sad that there was really nothing I could do to break them out of it.
 

In a way, NPD is similar to OCD because the compulsion they have for self-preservation, which includes their very fragile ego, will, like capitalism, will stop at nothing to keep their heads above water regardless of ethics.
  

For me personally, it feels like hating narcissists is a waste of my energy and the best strategy is to see them for the disabled people that they are (which requires accepting that personality disorders, as well as all mental health challenges, are a valid and significant disability and not a sign of weakness), stop engaging with their mind games by limiting the information you give them and the scope of your conversations in general and adjusting your expectations.
 

Unmet expectations are the source of many bad feelings and, where they concern narcissists, will be a perpetual thing especially since they love to bait and switch people. That is not to say that narcissists shouldn't face consequences for what they've done, but there should be no expectation that there will be remorse for anything except getting caught.

Some are even proud of how many people they have abused.
 

The best way to take back your power is to stop playing their game, take a big step back and see them for who they really are—

A person whose brain decided that the best response to their trauma and their best defense against more trauma is to: rope people in with charm and nice gestures which in turn gets used to blackmail their prey start arguments for the sake of making others angry or scared or sad but with no intention of actually having a good faith debate when they're unhappy so they can feel powerful, gaslight people, and make them doubt themselves and their grasp on reality which makes the narcissist even more powerful and to ignore any appeals to empathy or ethics despite expecting others to be ethical, compliant and empathetic because they view empathy as a weakness that can be exploited which would allow more trauma to occur and which is why they're like this in the first place and they view compliance with rules and ethics to not only be beneath them but as a form of surrender that their trauma has made very scary and is, therefore, something they have a very high and thick wall around.
  

It's unlikely that a narcissist will ever reveal their trauma to anyone, assuming they haven't repressed it altogether, because they're ashamed of it and they blame their now-disabled empathy and trust for it.
  

All in all. narcissistic personality disorder is really just an awful and impenetrable prison and vicious cycle narcissists are locked in and cannot break out of because their drive to avoid trauma is their most powerful instinct which makes it impossible for them to ever be vulnerable enough to get help. 
 

We cannot ever expect them to change because they only change temporarily to suck you right back in so they can continue to play with you.

We can only see them for who they are and limit our contact with them and be very rigid about boundaries when we have no choice but to interact with them.

Source: https://amoyal.medium.com/are-narcissists-evil-or-disabled-3734f0da93de

Do Narcissists Have Emotions?

What Narcissism & CPTSD Have in Common

11 CPTSD Behaviors That LOOK Like Narcissism

Complex PTSD and narcissism are closely intertwined, although they're not the same thing. But in families, narcissism in a parent can cause complex PTSD in the child. The parent might be emotionally absent or controlling or completely self-centered and have no ability to see or recognize the child's unique and good self.
 

You hear all the time about how people struggle with the effects of a narcissistic parent - how they become wounded and vulnerable and self-attacking. But what's interesting - and what's never talked about- is how often the parent's narcissistic traits or behaviors are absorbed by the child, and become their behaviors when they grow up.
 

If you're honest with yourself, you'd have to admit you do have some narcissistic behaviors. Everyone does. We all do. These narcissistic tendencies are the elephant in the room around why people with CPTSD struggle with relationships.
 

There's a tendency to focus on the fact that none of the abuse was your fault - you did not ask for this to happen to you, but it's worth asking yourself if you're sometimes driving people away with the very same narcissistic tendencies that hurt you in the first place.
 

In most cases, they are just tendencies. It's very unlikely that you actually have narcissistic personality disorder. Personalities disorders are hard to change, but the wounds of Childhood PTSD that lead to these tendencies can be changed.

Behaviors that show up in traumatized people—

11 CPTSD Behaviors That LOOK Like Narcissism

1. A TENDENCY TO FOCUS ON HOW WE FEEL

With CPTSD, we have a tendency to focus on how we feel all the time. It becomes dominant in our consciousness and can make it difficult to be sensitive to other people. Have you ever had that happen when you're in a lot of emotional pain? It can be easy to overlook what's going on in your companion's day - what's going on in their life. 

2. A TENDENCY TO FOCUS ON WHAT OTHERS THINK OF US

Everybody tends to focus on what other people think about them but with CPTSD, we often preemptively attack ourselves for the criticisms we think other people have of us, for example, "I'm stupid, old, fat, no good, not lovable, or that they're not including me."

It's one of the hallmarks of a narcissist that they are very focused on other people's opinions of them.

3. A TENDENCY TO THINK NO ONE WILL UNDERSTAND

With CPTSD, we have a belief that our problems are so unique that no one has ever experienced them. I hear this all the time. When I coach people, they say, "Well, you know, I have problems you couldn't possibly understand."

Now, I agree that, when you have CPTSD, a lot of people don't understand. They don't understand the nature of it, and they cannot understand why we don't just fix our problems.

They ask things like, Why do you keep getting together with the same kind of jerk? Why don't you just not overreact? It's so simple for them, right? It's easy to think no one can understand. But it's a narcissistic tendency to think that your problems are so much worse than anybody else's.

It helps, when you're talking to other people, to look for commonality. Look for what you can learn from other people's experiences. Still, it's good to be with people who understand. It's also good to be comfortable with people who don't have your experience. They may never understand your wounds, but you can learn so much from people who were less traumatized.

4. VICTIM IDENTITY

Feeling always like the victim comes up in both CPTSD and narcissistic personality disorder, but with CPTSD, there really was victimization.

For the record, a lot of people who have narcissistic personality disorder were also traumatized as kids. It's not the only cause, but it can play a role in why people end up with that personality disorder. Even so, that doesn't excuse hurtful behavior in them or in us.

If you were abused and neglected, you were a victim. I encourage, however, you not to let it be your identity. The solution is not to deny that you were victimized in the past. The solution is to develop your real identity, your true self whose identity was temporarily disrupted when you were traumatized. You are no longer a victim.

5. MARTYRDOM, BLAMING, AND BEING TOO NICE

Another victim "format" that you'll see in CPTSD people (and in narcissists as well), is the long suffering victim: "I'm so nice all the time, but everyone on the planet is just awful, and they're mean to me for no reason."

I'm kind of making fun of that because, if you think that you're the only nice person on the planet, you might actually be a narcissist! People with CPTSD are like everybody - we have a mix of good and bad traits. And like everybody, we do better when we work on healing the negative traits and the vulnerabilities, and when we develop our strengths.

6. ARROGANCE

Sometimes we think we know how other people should live or how they should think or what they need to change about themselves. It pushes people away, to say the least, when we do that. Believing we know better than others what is best for them is arrogance.

When we do this, we're putting ourselves above other people. This can be expressed as control, criticism, unsolicited advice and pressure.

If you feel like you're just trying to be helpful to people and you're finding that they're not receptive, something you could ask yourself is, "Am I giving them advice in a way that makes them feel criticized or like I'm trying to control them? This can be perceived as a narcissistic trait.

The best thing you can do if you want to influence other people (in a good way) is to just do really well yourself - solve your own problems, and show up happy and free in their presence. They might ask you one day how you did that.

7. FAILURE TO SEE THE ROLE WE PLAY IN OUR PROBLEMS

Another narcissistic tendency is that we have a hard time seeing our own role in our problems. It's not just that we think we're innocent victims and blame other people. We also have trouble realizing that we have agency to create problems or solutions, all by ourselves.

It's not easy. And some things are very difficult to change, but we have agency.

That tendency to think, Everybody else controls everything and they make everything bad for me..."- that's a narcissistic tendency. When we think that other people control things and we can't, what we're basically doing is taking our standard allotment of power (which is about the same as everybody else's, because everybody has some power over themselves) and we're giving it to somebody else.

It's better to keep your power, so you can use it to see where you made errors, and make the changes needed to become empowered and happy.

8. SENSITIVITY TO CRITICISM

Just like actual narcissists, trauma has made some of us too fragile to hear criticism. In the case of narcissism, a person cannot tolerate disruption to their belief that they're perfect and above everything. But a person with CPTSD is often so hurt, they feel they can't afford even one more bit of criticism, that it will destroy us. In this way, CPTSD sensitivity to criticism mirrors a narcissistic tendency.

What we need is a coping mechanism to deal with criticism so that it doesn't get in - so that we can keep it "on the front porch" of our listening and not let it into the house. We need to consider, Is it good criticism? Is it something I need to hear and can learn from, or is it just an attack?" Knowing the difference and opening our hearts to hear appropriate (and gentle) criticism strongly distinguishes us from actual narcissists.

9. A TENDENCY TO DEVELOP UNEQUAL RELATIONSHIPS

People who have narcissism want to be surrounded by people who look up to them. But I've noticed that people with CPTSD tend to have difficulty with equal relationships. There's always one person who is up or down.

Now, of course, unequal relationships have a place in the world. It's the case with a parent and a child, or an employer and a worker, that one has more power. Somebody is in charge there. So there's a place for that kind of imbalance. But for our closest relationships, we want to have the capacity for equal relationships.

Part of healing is to develop comfortable, equal relationships, even though real communication in such relationships can be tricky and complicated. Unequal relationships allow you to skip over the nuanced and vulnerable parts of communication. As you heal, you may find you have a greater capacity to connect with and enjoy friendship with equals.

10. A TENDENCY TO MAKE SWEEPING ACCUSATIONS

Another narcissistic tendency is that we sometimes make big sweeping accusations. We say things like, "Education is just brainwashing for the masses," "Religion is all about social control,"or "Everyone I know is a narcissist."

I see this particularly in YouTube comments - people who just say, "It's a terrible world out there! Nobody cares about other people anymore." And we know when we read those comments, they're talking about their experience, and it feels like it's everybody. But that's what happens with CPTSD when it's not healed: Anxious thoughts tend to calcify to a bitter attitude toward life.

It's self-centered and narcissistic to think that "I'm the only good person and everybody out there is bad." It puts us above everybody. And, of course, nobody likes it. It pushes people away. It's usually said by people who have unconsciously decided to isolate themselves.

11. A SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT

Finally, a narcissistic tendency in people with CPTSD is a sense of entitlement, where we believe that other people are responsible for making our lives better. We sometimes blame "them" for failing to make the world better, or leaving us to pay our own way, or leaving us lonely.

This reflects an unhealthy belief that we have a special status as people who are damaged, that we are like children and "they" are the parents.

We all need help sometimes. So see what you can do to become that person who is able to help others? Even if it's in a tiny way, just helping somebody in some simple way will help you to begin to see the goodness that is inside you.

Shared Core Wound: Narcissists & 'Empaths'

The core wound empaths and narcissists often have in common is:

- 'I'm not good enough'

- 'I'll never measure up'

- 'I hate who I am'

- 'Others don't like me'

If a narcissist holds this deep-seated belief of inadequacy, we can attribute their damaging behaviors as a desperate need to fill a void. People who exhibit narcissistic behaviors project outward. They channel their inner self-hatred and use it to diminish someone else's strength, self-confidence, light and energy.

The twisted reasoning is, if other people feel at least as bad, if not worse about themselves, then the narc elevates themselves to a false sense of worth. In simple terms: pull others down so a narcissist can 'rise.'

Many highly sensitive/ empathic individuals also hold the self-belief, I'm not good enough. Because connection is the lifeblood of empathic people, finding someone else who shares the same underlying wound might seem at first like Oneness, later to be revealed as illusionary.

A narcissist often displays outer confidence, but an empath senses at a subconscious level what's really going on inside. If they share the core wound of inadequacy, what gets established is: 'I know you, I am you.'

Which leads the narcissist at some level to hope, maybe the empath can fix me. Maybe they will finally take away my fear and anger and pain. Which leads the empath to hope, if I can fix you, maybe I can also fix me. If I can get you to love me, maybe I can truly love myself.

The empath too, is trying to fill an inner void. This mirroring cycle repeats between them until the empath is drained and depleted.  

The narcissist feels a false sense of superiority, believing they have taken the upper hand, and that power and control trumps authentic love and connection. The empath may feel guilty for wanting to leave, because they mistakenly believe they're not just walking away from that person, but also walking away from themselves. Neither acknowledges the core wound underneath.

To break the cycle, an empath can revisit that first moment in their life when they internalized the message, 'I am not enough.'

You can reframe by asking, is that really true? Who told me that and what was their motive for making me feel less than? What if I choose a different belief about myself? With time, gentleness and inner reflection, you can forgive whoever laid this upon you and especially forgive yourself for carrying it inside all those years.—

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