The Aftermath
Sections:
- Modified Stages of Grief
- Lengthy Recovery
- Emotional Rape
- Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
- How Narcissistic Abuse Changes Us
- Righteous Anger
Modified Stages of Grief
The traditional 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
You will undoubtedly feel all of those at some point while recovering from the psychopathic relationship. But losing a psychopath is not like losing a friend/family member; it's not like losing a regular, loving partner.
If you were ever in a relationship with a narcissist or psychopath, then you know that this is not a regular break up.
TOTAL DEVASTATION
All-consuming devastation. Absolute shock and disbelief. Feelings of total emptiness, thoughts of suicide and extreme difficulty performing trivial tasks.
Your hormones are going cold-turkey from a chemical addiction. You will feel ugly and drained -- your body will physically deteriorate (before/after pictures of D&D victims are horrifying).
You will oscillate between desire for him and the misery of thinking about what you no longer have. Psychologically, you are extremely raw and vulnerable from the D&D(devalue & discard), but at this point you aren't even aware what a D&D is -- you are just a victim of it, and therefore feel it instead of understand it (like you do now).
You genuinely believe you deserve this. That you are worthless. You are nobody without him. You are jealous, crazy, needy, clingy, everything is your fault.
DENIAL
Typically begins when the psychopath starts waving his "happy" life in your face. You see him running off with other women, or telling the world how flawless his life is.
You aren't even angry about the other women, because you likely have no idea how long the infidelity was going on. You just feel the need to prove that you are fine and dandy like the psychopath, because then maybe he'll want you back.
You may change jobs, friends, lash out at everyone and everything except the psychopath. You may go out drinking, or have one night stands, in huge efforts to convince yourself and him that you are fine.
You will become very impulsive and self-destructive, possibly blowing money and harboring delusional thoughts of returning to your idealizer.
You may try to replicate the exact dynamic you had with the psychopath with another man, only to get very frustrated that your the chemistry isn't as good or that he doesn't love-bomb you with attention.
EDUCATION + SELF-DOUBT
Somehow, you come across psychopathy (narcissism, sociopathy, etc). Whether it be through an internet search or a therapist, you know deep down that something within you is deeply broken.
Even though you want to prove you're happy, you also want to figure out what the hell just happened. When you read all of the red flags of psychopathy, you will experience extreme self-doubt.
You will continue to blame yourself and wonder if you're just labeling him a psychopath because you can't handle the "truth" (his truth) of how you ruined the relationship.
You oscillate back and forth between your idealizer and devaluer.
How could someone who claimed to be so amazed by you also hate your guts?
How could he go from obsession to contempt in the blink of an eye?
It isn't possible.
There's no way you dated a psychopath.
He loved you. Right?
UNDERSTANDING THE PSYCHOPATH
This stage doesn't exist in any way with the normal stages, but it's one of the most important in your recovery process. Education can only take you so far. You need to feel what they feel.
Most victims live by compassion and love, so it is nearly impossible to empathize with a psychopath. In fact, this is why they're able to get away with so much. Because normal human beings automatically project their conscience onto everyone else.
But sooner or later, you will be so consumed by psychopathy that you finally understand how their minds work.
You can actually put all of his behavior into the perspective of a psychopath and suddenly everything clicks. It all makes sense, when it never did before. From the mirroring to the love-bombing to the delayed criticism to the eventual D&D.
You feel disgusted.
You realize you were never loved; just another target a never-ending cycle.
You realize you've never behaved like this in any other relationship.
You can look back at all of the things that made you feel paranoid, and see that they were all calculated and intentional.
You come to the horrifying realization that the person you trusted was actively working against you.
RAGE
Once you understand the psychopath, you're absolutely disgusted. Your self-doubt is being replaced by anger.
You know the truth.
You see how you were used, manipulated, and brainwashed.
You're beyond angry. You may want to murder him. You want to contact everyone in his life and tell them what he did.
You may want to write him a letter and tell him to burn in hell (don't, by the way. NCEA).
You obsessively talk about it with your friends and family, you need to get your story out there. You've been shut up and minimized for so long, your voice is finally free.
You begin to feel all of the things you weren't allowed to feel in the relationship.
Whenever you accused him of cheating or lying, he would turn it around and blame it on you so you felt bad instead of mad.
This cognitive dissonance has caused a huge displacement of anger.
You feel delayed emotions of jealousy as you realize how long the cheating was going on, as you realize he was telling her you were abusive in order to gain her sympathy.
The smear campaign makes you feel the need to prove yourself. This delayed rage is totally expected after a psychopathic relationship. It can take months, even years to feel.
Please, if possible, do not act on it. You will only prove the psychopath's point. The greatest thing you can do is remain calm and composed. It will drive him insane.
He wants you to feel rage so he can show everyone how crazy you are and how much you still love him.
DEPRESSION
You will go back and forth between depression and rage for a very long time. You will have good days and bad.
One day, you will think you can move on -- the next, you wake up angry and screaming. You don't want to be mad. You don't deserve to be mad. All you did was fall in love.
You isolate yourself, you surround yourself with people who understand you on discussion forums.
You have obsessive, racing thoughts.
The tiniest things set you off.
Your boundaries are returning (or perhaps being formed for the very first time) and you can't believe you let yourself sink so low. You realize how much you lost. Not just friends, possibly money, life experience, etc, but also your innocence.
Your kind understanding of him and of the world has been shattered. Instead of giving people the benefit of the doubt, you suddenly have trouble trusting.
You will experience constant feeling of dread and tightness in your heart.
HEALING
You start asking questions. Why did this happen? What are my vulnerabilities? Of course these vulnerabilities aren't your fault, but it is important to understand how you were able to be exploited. You're spending time with others who have gone through something similar, so you have hope and little bursts of joy.
You have validation beyond belief, often triggering you back to rage & depression, but these feelings are healthy.
You are finally feeling what you were supposed to feel during the entire relationship.
Everything falls into place and you can calmly & coherently describe what you went through and what happened. Instead of feeling the D&D, you can talk about it like a scientific term. You've made new friends, and you're starting to realize that you've almost made it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it's taking a while to get there.
SELF-DISCOVERY
You begin to discover your strengths. Many of these were strengths you always possessed but never valued.
You realize your compassion, empathy, and love are not weaknesses. They are the most incredible gifts in the world, when applied to the right people.
Your self-respect comes from within, not other people validating your insecurities. You start to understand who you are and who you're truly meant to be. It took the psychopath's nastiness to make you see exactly who you never want to be again.
You laugh at his initial notions that "you two were the same person", because you realize you are exactly the opposite.
You begin to explore your creative side, and you stop caring what others think of you. Old friendships may change as you change and become more confident.
Embrace the new you, and open your heart to love again.
You are free now.
You should be so, incredibly proud of yourself. You made it, and your life path has forever changed for the better.
https://psychopathfree.com/articles/stages-of-grief-from-a-psychopathic-relationship.138/
Lengthy Recovery
You Were in Love
Yes, it was manufactured love. Yes, your personality was mirrored and your dreams manipulated. But you were in love. It's the strongest human emotion & bond in the world, and you felt it with all your heart. It is always painful to lose someone you loved - someone you planned to be with for the rest of your life.
The human spirit must heal from these love losses. Regardless of your abuser's intentions, your love was still very real. It will take a great deal of time and hope to pull yourself out of the standard post-breakup depression.
You Were in Desperate Love
Psychopaths manufacture desperation & desire. You probably worked harder for this relationship than any other, right? You put more time, energy, and thought into it than ever before. And in turn, you were rewarded with the nastiest, most painful experience of your life.
In the idealization phase, they showered you with attention, possibly gifts, letters, and many compliments. Unlike most honeymoon phases, they actually pretended to be exactly like you in every way. Everything you did was perfect to them. This put you on Cloud 9, preparing you for the identity erosion.
You began to pick up on all sorts of hints that you might be replaced at any time. This encouraged your racing thoughts, ensuring that this person was on your mind every second of the day. This unhinged, unpredictable lifestyle is what psychopaths hope to create with their lies, gas-lighting, and triangulation.
By keeping them on your mind at all times, you fall into a state of desperate love. This is unhealthy, and not a sign that the person you feel so strongly about is actually worthy of your love. Your mind convinces you that if you feel so powerfully, then they must be the only person who will ever make you feel that way. And when you lose that person, your world completely falls apart. You enter a state of panic & devastation.
Chemical Reaction
Psychopaths have an intense emotional & sexual bond over their victims. This is due to their sexual magnetism, and the way they train your mind to become reliant upon their approval.
By first adoring you in every way, you let down your guard and began to place your self worth in this person. Your happiness started to rely on this person's opinion on you.
Happiness is a chemical reaction going off in your brain - dopamine and receptors firing off to make you feel good.
Like a drug, the psychopath offers you this feeling in full force to begin with. But once you become reliant on it, they begin to pull back. Slowly, you need more and more to feel that same high. You do everything you can to hang onto it, while they are doing everything in their power to keep you just barely starved.
Triangulation
There are thousands of support groups for survivors of infidelity. It leaves long-lasting insecurities and feelings of never being good enough. It leaves you constantly comparing yourself to others. That pain alone takes many people out there years to recover from.
Now compare that to the psychopath's triangulation. Not only do they cheat on you - they happily wave it in your face. They brag about it, trying to prove how happy they are with your replacement. They carry none of the usual shame & guilt that comes with cheating. They are thrilled to be showing you how happy they are.
I cannot even begin to explain how emotionally damaging this is after once being the target of their idealization. The triangulation alone will take so much time to heal from.
You Have Encountered 'Pure Evil'
Everything you once understood about people did not apply to this person. During the relationship, you tried to be compassionate, easy-going, and forgiving. You never could have known that the person you loved was actively using these things against you. It just doesn't make any sense. No typical person is ready to expect that, and so we spend our time projecting a normal human conscience onto them, trying to explain away their inexplicable behavior.
But once we discover psychopathy, sociopathy, or narcissism, that's when everything starts to change. We begin to feel disgusted - horrified that we let this darkness into our lives. Everything clicks and falls into place. All of the "accidental" or "insensitive" behavior finally makes sense.
You try to explain this to friends and family members - no one really seems to get it. This is why validation matters. When you come together with others who have experienced the same thing as you, you discover you were not crazy. You were not alone in this inhumane experience.
It takes a great deal of time to come to terms with this personality disorder. You end up having to let go of your past understanding of human nature, and building it back up from scratch. You realize that people are not always inherently good. You begin to feel paranoid, hyper-vigilant, and anxious. The healing process is about learning to balance this new state of awareness with your once trusting spirit.
Your Spirit Is Deeply Wounded
After the eventual abandonment, most survivors end up feeling a kind of emptiness that cannot even be described as depression. It's like your spirit has completely gone away. You feel numb to everything and everyone around you.
The things that once made you happy now make you feel absolutely nothing at all. You worry that your encounter with this monster has destroyed your ability to empathize, feel and care.
I believe this is what takes the longest time to recover from. It feels hopeless at first, but your spirit is always with you. Damaged, for sure, but never gone.
As you begin to discover self-respect & boundaries, it slowly starts to find its voice again. It feels safe opening up, peeking out randomly to say hello.
You will find yourself grateful to be crying again, happy that your emotions seem to be returning. This is great, and it will start to become more and more consistent.
Ultimately, you will leave this experience with an unexpected wisdom about the people around you. Your spirit will return stronger than ever before, refusing to be treated that way again.
You may encounter toxic people throughout your life, but you won't let them stay for very long. You don't have time for mind games & manipulation. You seek out kind, honest, and compassionate individuals. You know you deserve nothing less.
This new found strength is the greatest gift of the psychopathic experience. And it is worth every second of the recovery process, because it will serve you for the rest of your life.
If you're worried that your recovery process is taking too long, please stop worrying. You've been through hell and back - there is no quick fix for that. And what's more, when all is said and done, these next few years will be some of the most important years of your life.
Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/blindsided-recovering-narcissistic-abuse-relationship
Emotional Rape
“Ours were false relationships from the very beginning in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed”
The quote above gets right to the heart of the matter of emotional rape.
These were never normal relationships that started with love and then just went wrong. Far from it. The psychopath is a predator who completely hides his or her true identity and true motives.
A psychopath may target a victim with the intent of using them and causing harm, or they may initially experience genuine attraction. Even if they do, their inability to love or to form an attachment guarantees that things will end badly. Whatever their motivation, their goals are to manipulate, dominate and control, and they will end up devaluing and abusing their victim.
In a profound act of betrayal, he or she only pretends to love (even if they start out with genuine attraction, since psychopaths don't have the ability to love) - and does a convincing job of it - in order to gain your love and trust, which is what makes carrying out their manipulative agenda possible.
They gain power and control through manipulation and use their victim for whatever they desire without any remorse, while creating an ever-worsening emotional hell. Their grandiosity swells as they watch their victim try in vain to save the relationship they truly believed was the best one of their lives.
The predator gets bored and devalues and abuses the victim, and needs the thrill of someone new. The psychopath must act out this manipulative cycle repetitively and compulsively in order to experience feelings of exhilaration and contempt (contemptuous delight), which perpetuate his or her feeling of grandiosity, according to Dr. Reid Moloy, a respected psychopathy researcher.
The psychopath often ends the relationship with a stunning and completely abnormal display of contempt, coldness or indifference. If he or she is using the relationship to provide an illusion of normalcy, they may stick around long-term. If the victim ends the relationship, the psychopath's grandiosity will suffer and they may attempt to return. Often, they restore their grandiosity by moving on to someone new, without looking back.
The victim is devastated as he or she comes to realize the psychopath's love was never real and that they were heartlessly abused and betrayed. If they don't realize it - and many victims don't understand what really happened until years later, if ever - they continue blaming themselves for the demise of what once seemed to be an ideal relationship, which makes real healing difficult or even impossible. Either way, we are left with a heart, soul, and psyche ravaged by a predator.
The aftermath of emotional rape often includes rage, obsessive thoughts, lost self-esteem, fear, anxiety, the inability to love or trust, use of alcohol or drugs, physical illness, and irrational and extreme behavior such as total isolation and withdrawal or even suicide.
A lack of support from friends and family makes things much worse. Some will blame the victim for choosing to have a relationship with a "jerk," because they don't know or can't believe he was a predator capable of hiding his true identity. Some blame her for staying with him when she knew it was going bad, because they are unaware or unwilling to believe she was controlled by systematic manipulation. Others who fell for the psychopath's charisma and powers of persuasion may blame the victim for losing a "good catch." Whatever the case, no one realizes how severely traumatized the victim truly is.
The trauma can indeed be severe, and if it is, you should pursue professional psychological help from a therapist who is familiar with disorders involving a lack of empathy (psychopathy, narcissism, etc.), and abusive relationships and the trauma they cause.
"Sadly, some victims of psychopaths attempt suicide as a result of hopelessness, helplessness and the belief there is no way out. Some have reported to us that psychopaths have actually encouraged them to take their own lives or have indicated that they would put them through so much turmoil that their only recourse would be suicide," — David Kosson, Ph.D.
If you feel hopeless now, don't give up. Many people have recovered from psychopathic abuse, even after believing it wasn't possible. If you are feeling suicidal, please get help right away.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
Source: https://psychopathsandlove.com/emotional-rape/
Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
Written by Arlin Cuncic. Medically reviewed by David Susman, PhD
Here's how narcissistic abuse can impact your life:
Anxiety
Many narcissistic abuse survivors live with anxiety. After experiencing narcissistic abuse, you may experience extreme fear or anxiety in relationships with new people.
Those who leave abusive relationships may experience separation anxiety, leading them to feel panicked and disoriented when they're not with their abusers.
If your symptoms include anxiety attacks, panic attacks, or hypervigilance after being abused by a narcissist, know that these symptoms will ease over time, particularly if you can work through your trauma with a professional.
Depression
Many people who have experienced narcissistic abuse also develop depression. Survivors often struggle with feelings of worthlessness after months or years of being told how useless and stupid they are by their abuser. After years of being manipulated and gaslighted, you may also isolate yourself.
Post-Traumatic Stress
As a narcissistic abuse survivor, you will likely have symptoms of post-traumatic stress. Your brain will be on high alert, looking out for danger.
This is because the traumatic events triggered a fight or flight response within you. As a result, anything associated with those memories can trigger an anxiety attack.
After experiencing narcissistic abuse, you may feel the need to be on guard 24/7.
Victims of narcissists often mention that they never knew what their abuser was going to do next. You may struggle to relax because of chronic hypervigilance and expecting them (the abuser) to be around every corner.
You may also steer clear of certain situations or things that remind you of the abuse. This can range from avoiding certain places or particular people.
Loss of Sense of Self
You may feel as if you have completely lost yourself.
Narcissistic abuse is a form of brainwashing, and as such, it can destroy your sense of self-worth.
You may no longer feel like the person you were before all this began. In many cases, those who have experienced narcissistic abuse will struggle to recognize themselves in the mirror because they no longer see their true reflection staring back at them.
You may also have trust issues with other people (especially those closest to you), and constantly find yourself doubting or second-guessing yourself.
You may begin to feel like you are not good enough or that you did something to cause the abuse in the first place. This can lead to shame and embarrassment, which may often stop you from reaching out for help.
You may also have trouble making decisions. You may get confused by simple decisions, or you might feel unable to make any decision at all.
Narcissistic abusers will often try to derail your goals and aspirations. They want to control everything about you, down to the activities that made up who you were as a person.
Inability to Forgive Yourself
After experiencing narcissistic abuse, many victims struggle with feeling unworthy or believing that they deserve how the narcissist treated them.
It may feel like there must be something inherently wrong with you if someone who was supposed to love you unconditionally used their power against you in such cruel ways.
You might struggle with low self-esteem and believe that the narcissistic abuser would have treated you better if only you had done things differently.
You may also have trouble focusing on your goals and dreams. This could be because you're still preoccupied with thoughts of what happened to you.
Or, it could be that your sense of self-worth is so damaged, it's difficult for you to believe that anything good can happen in your life anymore.
Physical Symptoms
After experiencing narcissistic abuse, you may live with physical symptoms, including headaches, stomachaches, or body aches. You may also have difficulty sleeping after experiencing narcissistic abuse. You may be stressed about what happened and find it difficult to shut off your brain at night. Or, you could end up having nightmares that haunt you for days afterward.
Cognitive Problems
After narcissistic abuse, it may become difficult for you to concentrate on everyday tasks, such as completing work or just watching TV.
Memories of traumatic events are known to interfere with concentration and focus. You may experience memory loss, especially short-term. This is because the brain releases a surge of stress hormones when traumatized, affecting the hippocampus region in your brain.
Emotional Lability
After going through a traumatic event such as narcissistic abuse, it's common to suffer sudden mood swings accompanied by irritability. Or, you may find yourself feeling emotionless and like a robot. You might experience depersonalization where it feels as if everything around you is not accurate.
You might even feel the need to exact revenge against your abuser. But this hatred towards them only creates more stress and anxiety, which perpetuates mental health problems.
Effects on Children
If you have children who witnessed narcissistic abuse, they could also be at risk of developing mental health problems such as PTSD, anxiety disorders, or depression.2 They might become fearful in situations that remind them of their traumatic experiences. They might also feel angry at your spouse or the world, feel disconnected from other people, or have low self-esteem or confidence issues.
Loss of Self-Worth
After experiencing narcissistic abuse, you might feel like you don't even know yourself anymore.
You could start questioning your self-worth, have trust issues with other people (especially those closest to you), and constantly find yourself doubting or second-guessing yourself.
You may begin to feel like you are not good enough or that you did something to cause the abuse in the first place. This can lead to shame and embarrassment, which may often stop you from reaching out for help.
You may also have trouble making decisions due to a lack of self-worth. You may get confused by simple decisions, or you might feel unable to make any decision at all.
Stuck in a Cycle
After experiencing narcissistic abuse, many people find themselves stuck in a cycle where their abuser continues to contact them after the relationship has ended.
They may act nice (also called hoovering) in an attempt to get you back, issue threats, or attempt to manipulate you by making you feel sorry for them. This can be a tactic used by narcissists to keep their victims trapped in the cycle of abuse.
Trust Issues
After experiencing narcissistic abuse, your trust levels will likely be very low. While this can seem like a good thing (in some ways), it could also hinder your future relationships. This issue may lead to other problems such as social anxiety.
You might find yourself constantly wondering whether people are being truthful with you or if they are just manipulating your emotions to get what they want.
You may become hypervigilant and overly sensitive to criticism or judgment from others due to the fear of being betrayed yet again.
You may struggle with trust issues in all aspects of your life, including personal relationships, friendships, work interactions, or even contact with family members.
You may also experience insecure attachment, which means that you may constantly feel that people will leave or betray you.
People Pleasing
You may become a people pleaser and try to make people like you. You may become overly accommodating to get approval from others after having had to walk on eggshells for so long.
You might struggle with expressing your emotions and thoughts after narcissistic abuse because of the fear of being judged for what you say. To avoid confrontation from a narcissist abuser, you likely bottled up your feelings.
Self-Destructive Habits
Another effect of narcissistic abuse can be self-destructive habits. People who have been in relationships with narcissists often feel the need to punish themselves because they may feel as though they were at fault for their partner's bad behavior toward them.
You may experience problems with addiction such as drinking, smoking, and even food addiction or overspending. These addictions may be a way to numb emotional pain.
Narcissistic abuse has the potential to destroy the foundation of most people's lives irreparably. It takes time and energy to heal from betrayal, heartbreak, gaslighting, and possible financial losses caused by an abusive partner. What's more, you may have lost friends and family members along the way due to self-isolation. If you are struggling, it's important to find ways to heal. Below are some suggestions
- Recognize and accept your feelings. You may experience a range of emotions such as grief, depression, anger, and anxiety. Whatever you are feeling is valid, and it's important not to suppress those feelings or judge yourself for having them.
- Educate yourself. Learn the traits of a narcissist and what constitutes narcissistic abuse to more easily recognize when you are being manipulated.
- Join a support group. There are many communities on the internet and in real life for people who have had similar experiences. You may find it therapeutic to interact with others who understand exactly what you're going through and can offer tips and advice to help you cope.
- Reach out to a therapist or counselor. If you can't afford to see someone one-on-one, there are also communities like 7 Cups of Tea where you can chat anonymously online with people who want to help.
- Practice self-care. When your self-esteem has taken a hit, it's easy to feel like you don't deserve anything good for yourself. However, that couldn't be further from the truth. It's essential to take care of yourself. Make sure you're getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, and engaging in activities that you find enjoyable.
After being involved with someone narcissistic, you may find yourself developing one or more of these effects.
You've likely developed some negative coping mechanisms, including people-pleasing behaviors and/or self-destructive habits after experiencing such an ordeal.
These are common responses among those who go through situations like this, so know that there is nothing unusual about feeling the way you do.
https://www.verywellmind.com/effects-of-narcissistic-abuse
How Narcissistic Abuse Changes Us
Bottomed-Out Confidence
Perhaps the biggest effect of narcissistic abuse on our personalities is the erosion of confidence it inevitably leads to. Narcissists have to destroy our confidence, in order to destroy any questioning we might do and to corrode any boundaries we might set. When you know your worth, you can see through the flimsy manipulations of a narcissist, and you stand up for yourself and the things you need. That's something the narcissist abuser can't tolerate, because they require complete control of their partners, friends and even family.
Constant Internalization
That feeling of blame you're carrying around all the time? That habit of taking on the world's problems, rather than seeing to your own? This isn't an accidental pattern. It's often the result of narcissistic abuse. If your once strong personality is now heavy with blame and an almost-indescribable sense of worthlessness - it might be a result of narcissistic abuse. Narcissists force us to accept the blame for their mistakes, as well as the natural misfortunes of life. Over time, this (coupled with our loss of confidence) creates a person who constantly sacrifices themselves on the altar of internalized blame.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
There are some who think that conditions like PTSD are limited only to soldiers or those with extreme physical trauma, but nothing could be further from the truth. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder can occur any time we are involved in an experience or event that dramatically and fundamentally destabilizes who we are or what we believe. Narcissistic abuse does just that, and can leave us feeling lost and exhausted on the other side.
Insecure Attachment
Because narcissistic abuse is so destabilizing, it impacts the way we connect and attach to others - which can have a serious effect on who we are and how we approach our lives and connections. Insecure attachment occurs when we learn that it isn't safe to love someone, or to open up to them, and we begin to either avoid attachment, become anxious about it, or use some combination of the two which can make our relationships combustible and volatile. The longer you undergo this type of abuse, the more distorted and fearful your world view can become; shifting your perspective and personality in dramatic ways.
More Narcissism
Living and loving in the shadow of a narcissist can (sadly) result in narcissistic tendencies of our own. As humans, we are social creatures and we are creatures who tend to mimic the behavior we come to see as "normal". The longer you exist within a world of narcissistic diminishment, the more you might come to believe that is a normal and acceptable way to live and interact. In turn, you might begin to exhibit narcissistic qualities of your own, and become cold to things like empathy and compassion for others. (This does not mean you will become a narcissist, or that you can not return to a healthier version of yourself.)
Superficiality
There's a certain amount of superficiality that's required to live with or love a narcissist, and that can permeate into our personalities. With narcissists, you can't be honest or open about how you're feeling. You have to smile even though you don't mean it and pretend to be happy and engaged, or risk being rejected. This becomes a norm, and you carry this into your outward life - faking emotions you don't feel, and going along with people and decisions you resent or disagree with altogether.
Crippled Communication
Though you might have been a gregarious or outgoing person before your relationship with a narcissist, you might find yourself struggling to open up and communicate with others as openly or effectively as you did before. That's because it's not safe to express yourself as a victim of narcissistic abuse, and it's not safe to open up or share what you're feeling or what's important to you. It cripples your communication skills, which can cripple your friendships, your outlook, and even overall personality..
Being Angry Over Abuse Doesn't Make You a Narcissist:
It's Righteous Anger
It’s a situation every victim of narcissistic abuse finds themselves in. After yet another argument, you ask yourself, "am I really being irrational? Maybe I'm the narcissist."
You reflect over the times you felt filled with rage and snapped in the past month. Maybe it's true. Maybe you are overly dramatic.
But wait. Something isn't right. You can't remember snapping with resentment like this before you met the narcissist. Now that you think about it, you don't respond to other people this way.
The truth is, you aren't being irrational, and your anger is entirely justified. It has nothing to do with you being a bad person or being on the same level as the narcissist in your life.
The narcissist is merely reframing your righteous anger as baseless rage. It's an important tool abusers use to normalize their own narcissistic rage while discrediting your genuine grievances.
Righteous indignation can be a powerful weapon of positive change, but you need to know how to harness and use it.
It's Not Hapless Anger - It's Righteous Indignation
It's a natural response to a situation of injustice.
Anger is a completely normal reaction to injustice. Narcissists, however, see this righteous indignation as a vulnerability. You expressed emotion and let your guard down - to the narcissist, that's a weakness to exploit.
Narcissists of all kinds will try to gaslight you by rewriting your righteous anger as irrationality. Narcissistic parents come to mind, in particular.
Imagine your mother loves to point out your flaws in front of other people. She gets a good laugh and enjoys it, but it hurts you.
You've tried to bring this up to her on several occasions, but she always writes you off and tells you to stop being so emotional. Maybe you've even dared to respond with some anger behind your voice, but this only brought out her narcissistic rage and escalated the situation.
At the end of the day, what happened?
You started to believe that she is right - you're just too sensitive. You also believed her behavior was normal and if you didn't want her to become enraged, you shouldn't bring up your problem again.
This is exactly how the narcissist trains us to think their abuse is normal. We think that our behavior is the one that needs to be corrected - not the narcissist's behavior. Maybe we're the narcissist after all.
In reality, you have every right to be angry when someone puts you down, attempts to control you, or uses you for their own ego boost. That's righteous indignation, and it's a completely natural response.
How Does Your Righteous Anger Differ from Narcissistic Rage?
When non-narcissistic people feel angry, it's usually because someone has hurt them. We may not always respond the way we'd like, but the source of the anger is typically justified.
When we react to our anger irrationally, we tend to feel embarrassed and regret it later. We feel the need to apologize for acting out of line when we let our emotions get the best of us.
Narcissistic rage comes from a different place. This type of anger usually stems from an attack on the narcissist's ego or a threat to their entire charade (which throws the narcissist into an existential crisis).
Here are a few examples of situations that trigger narcissistic anger to help illustrate how it differs from justifiable anger.
Someone made a reasonable and constructive criticism of the narcissist.
When a narcissist expresses anger, it's almost never justified. In the off chance there is a justifiable reason to be angry, the narcissist will cling to this wrongdoing for months or years.
Keep in mind that narcissists can also use passive-aggressive rage to make their victim's lives hell. Not all anger is blatant and loud - sometimes it's subtle, quiet, and cunning.
Stop Reacting to Your Righteous Anger and Train Yourself to Respond
You are absolutely not the narcissist in this relationship (whether it be a romantic partner, parent, sibling, or coworker).
Even if you're aware that your anger is actually righteous indignation, it's still difficult not to react unreasonably.
After all, the narcissist has trained you to respond this way because responding to things irrationally is what works for them.
But by reacting out of anger, you're also giving the narcissist ammunition to use against you.
Non-narcissistic people respond positively to justified anger-induced outbursts. They immediately apologize and attempt to correct the situation.
How to Process and Respond to Righteous Indignation
Anger, sadness, fear, stress, and guilt are all normal emotions part of the human experience.
Things start to go south, however, when we make decisions based solely on these emotions without taking a step back and looking at things from a distance.
Anger is actually a very powerful and useful emotion. Plenty of revolutions and positive social change in the world start with righteous indignation.
But what happens to a revolution when righteous anger runs the show, and there's no one behind the scenes doing any logical political planning? It turns into violent anarchy.
As tempting as it is to respond to the narcissist with anger, it does us no good and produces no long-term change. In reality, it's only giving you that short-lived adrenaline rush and giving the narcissist much-desired supply in the form of your emotional outburst.
The trick is to develop a healthy level of apathy. This takes work, and you may screw up a few times but trust me, it's best for long-term results.
Play the tape.
Let yourself get angry.
Start writing.
Do something physical.
Revisit your anger.
Left untreated, even righteous anger and the stress it brings can lead to plenty of unpleasant symptoms like ulcers, migraines, weight gain, strokes, and heart attacks. Don't let narcissistic rage kill you.
Acknowledging that your anger is actually righteous indignation and not baseless rage is the first step to overcoming your abuse.
You know that your anger is justified, and you will now respond to it rationally.