Triangulation

Triangulation in the context of narcissistic abuse is the act of bringing another person or a group of people into the dynamic of a relationship or interaction to belittle the victim and make the victim "vie" for the attention of the narcissist.
 

This method is often used to create love triangles among the people that the narcissistic abuser depends on for their daily fix of attention.
 

Triangulation is one of the most insidious, heartbreaking tools malignant narcissists use to manipulate their former partners, their current partners, their harem members as well as their new sources of supply.

Sections:

  • Toxic Triangulation
  • The Insatiable Narcissist
  • Example
  • 5 Roles in the Narcissist's Harem

Toxic Triangulation

Dehumanization

Narcissists enjoy using triangulation as a mind game that enables them to gain a sense of power and control over multiple people simultaneously. It confirms to them their own grandiosity - after all, aren't they superior if they have all these people competing for their approval and validation? They certainly think so.
 

The ways narcissists triangulate include but are certainly not limited to: flirting with others in front of their partners, emotional and physical infidelity, as well as comparing their partners to others as a way to manufacture insecurities in them. They may also report back falsehoods about what one person is saying about another, in order to pit their victims against each other so that neither one of them approaches the other about the abuse taking place. This form of triangulation enables victims to doubt the reality of the abuse (e.g. "My ex never had this problem with me!") and serves to make the victim feel unworthy and doubtful of their own experiences.
  

As survivors who have met the ex-partners of their narcissistic abusers and have had honest conversations with them can testify, these claims are far from the truth. You will find that malignant narcissists deplete and drain each and every one of their victims, who all have similar horror stories about the relationship.
 

Triangulation also has the added "reward" of allowing narcissists access to resources from each and every victim - whether that resource be wealth, status or simply the delicious compassion of an unsuspecting empath. The need for narcissistic supply can be almost gratifyingly sadistic - a way to punish victims for seeking to be independent agents and to keep them reliant on the narcissist's approval.
 

Triangulation is the method used by narcissists to soothe and protect their ego, in part because they lack "whole object relations." This is the inability to see that most people have a mix of good and bad qualities and seeing things as black or white only.
 

Within the vast catalogue of toxic behavior, triangulation is amongst the most well-known. It is very common, especially among narcissists. It can be overt, or insidious, and many people don't even realize they have been triangulated until it is too late. Indeed, those who regularly manipulate others will resort to triangulation because it is an easy, low cost but high yield behavior.
 

You may be wondering: why would anyone fall into this trap? It's because triangulation can happen in covert, underhanded ways meant to subtly make victims question themselves.
 

The narcissist's false mask helps to reinforce his or her charming presence, which lures both potential victims as well previous partners into a horrific abuse cycle filled with love-bombing idealization, cruel and callous devaluation and a comfort-punishment dynamic that creates trauma bonding between victim and predator.
 

What survivors must understand is that triangulation is not an indication of anyone's worth or desirability. Nor are the narcissist's new victims immune to encountering this tactic. It is ammunition and leverage to devalue former victims to new partners (ex. "My ex was so crazy!") or re-idealize old partners while devaluing new ones (ex. "My last girlfriend got my jokes, why can't you?"). It is also used to annihilate a former partner's sense of self by flaunting the new source of supply shortly after a discard.

Manipulation Tactics

The Insatiable Narcissist

It goes like this-

In a romantic relationship, the manipulator will bring another person, more often than not a new romantic interest but perhaps a platonic friend or former partner into their primary intimate relationship in order to create discord, confusion, and jealousy. The disordered individual will enjoy the attention, whether negative or positive, and may even let the triangulated individuals know about each other so they fight for their attention. 

 

If your current or former romantic partner or friend uses another to create hostility, drama, or to coerce you into things and feelings you wouldn't otherwise do or feel, then this is triangulation.
 

Sometimes, the triangulated individuals may not even know that they are being used to manipulate others, or only one of them may be aware. Worse still, a narcissistically inclined person may triangulate someone that they are no longer in contact with in order to control those they are in contact with.

 

Here, splitting and projection also occurs. The new, shiny partner or friend is idealized as perfect, whereas the previous holder of this position is devalued as completely flawed. Who is idealized and who is devalued is completely arbitrary and dependent on the manipulator, and it may switch back and forth. Moreover, it is not based on reality.
 

People who triangulate see people as objects that are only meant to be reflections or extensions of themselves, to serve them when they need to protect their ego. Triangulation is a common tactic used by individuals with strong narcissistic tendencies and other dark personality traits. It is easy to pull off, it costs little, and it gets the job done. You can recognize triangulation by recognizing its forms.

 

If someone brings you into their romantic relationship or friendship, but refuses to directly confront the person that they have an issue with, then this is triangulation.

EXAMPLE:

Will and Anna have been together for a few months. During this time, Will showered Anna with affection, attention, and plenty of gifts. Anna had fallen madly in love with Will, and there was talk of marriage and babies and an amazing future. He told her he loved her, that she was perfect, and that they were meant for each other.
 
For the last month, however, Anna has noticed Will is texting less than he used to, barely answering her questions, and is otherwise being extremely vague. Sometimes his stories change, especially regarding where he has been and who he was with. He even started blaming her for things that are not her fault. 

She is aware that Will has a new friend, Lindsay, that he knows through work. Sometimes, Will compares her to Lindsay, and she tells Will it hurts her feelings, but he responds by telling her that she's jealous and there's nothing to worry about. 

Unbeknownst to Anna, Lindsay believes she is in a new relationship with Will. Sometimes he texts Anna in front of Lindsay, but tells Lindsay not to worry about it. In the end, both women are jealous of each other and vie for Will's attention. Meanwhile, Will gets plenty of attention and drama to fuel his need to control the situation.

A Narcissist's Harem or Love Cult


Narcissists are fickle creatures; they love shiny objects and they love to replace them just as swiftly as they've obtained them. They pit people against one another, they manufacture love triangles to make people jealous and to cause people to compete for the narcissist's attention and approval. They become easily distracted by new victims who can heighten their status, reputation and wealth.

In a narcissist's eyes, all victims are replaceable and interchangeable, depending on what they can do for the narcissist. All victims are in a never-ending competition to prove their worth and value to the narcissist.

 

The "love cults" that narcissists build to stroke their egos aren't actually exclusive to romantic relationships. They can exist in families, friendship circles, the workplace and various organizational hierarchies.


Love-bombing is a technique that cult leaders use to groom and indoctrinate their members; it consists of showering someone with constant attention and praise to get the cult's own needs met. When members are sufficiently love-bombed and indoctrinated into the group, they are then expected to cater to the narcissist's every desire in return.


He loves to surround himself with 'yes' people. And he does have a lot of friends that he's good to. There's such a culture up there of everybody always talking about him being the nicest guy. You know, that was the veneer and the personality that I fell for - for so long. So you are kind of afraid to speak out in a way because you're made to feel like you're crazy."


Your Role Can Change
Contrary to popular belief, the role you play in a narcissist's harem isn't always a fixed one. It can change and fluctuate based on how the narcissist perceives your usefulness and their needs.

5 Roles You May Play If You Unwittingly Become Part of a Narcissist's Harem:


1. The love-bombed target.

This is a role that one usually inhabits when first entering the narcissist's harem - whether it means being the new girlfriend of a narcissist, a new employee entering a company, the spoiled "golden child" of a narcissistic family, or a fresh new face in a social clique.

In any relationship with a narcissist, you become part of a cult-like group, because narcissists usually have many other "admirers" awaiting to serve them at their beck and call - whether they be ex-lovers, crushes, "just friends" or your eventual replacement.
  
The love-bombed target becomes the apple of the narcissist's eye and is presented to the cult as the best of the best. At first, she can do no wrong. They are given laser-focused attention to the exclusion of other members of the harem. When you are love-bombed, you are given starry-eyed admiration, excessive praise and flattery, and special favors that other victims aren't privy to.

Due to this, the love-bombed target, usually through no fault of their own, becomes the subject of envy, jealousy, sometimes even sabotage from other competitors in the narcissist's harem. But like all other victims, the love-bombed target will also eventually be devalued (although they may be re-idealized later on if they have something of value).

2. The ride-or-die enablers.

This role is assigned to the most devoted of the narcissist's harem - the ones who will "ride or die" for the narcissist. Enablers are used to protect the narcissist from accountability and to defend the narcissist's excessive sense of entitlement to whatever they want regardless of who they harm. They may be told to lie for the narcissist, to shut down the complaints of anyone who dares to question the narcissist, and to punish and scapegoat those who do so accordingly.

They can also be employed as "flying monkeys," those who are used to bully, taunt and harass any threatening targets that may be in the narcissist's way. They support the narcissist in their various schemes regardless of how immoral or unjust they might be. A ride or die enabler could come in the form of a spouse, a parent, a sibling, colleagues, friends or even an acquaintance turned devout follower - you name it.


3. The right-hand man or woman.

This is the narcissist's partner in crime, usually someone who has sociopathic traits of their own. Unlike the other roles, this one is often fixed and reserved for those who are very much aligned with the narcissist's own values; if you are the victim of a narcissist, you are unlikely to fill this role at all. This go-to person provides usefulness to the narcissist in a way that cannot be easily replaced because they share a similar un-empathic, ruthless and exploitative nature which can serve the narcissist well in their agendas.


As a result, they tend to be a prized and long-standing member of a narcissist's harem. Whatever role the right-hand man or woman plays in the narcissist's life, they are usually the narcissist's "best friend," confidante and fellow con artist. They co-conspire with the narcissist to hunt new prey. However, just like any victim, they too can eventually be replaced should someone shinier (and perhaps more sociopathic) come along.


4. Empathic caretakers.

This role is usually inhabited by the most empathic, compassionate yet blindsided and trauma-bonded members of the narcissist's cult.
 
Think Stockholm Syndrome: these members delude themselves into believing that the narcissist really cares about their wellbeing and are led to believe that the narcissist is actually a good person. Remember, narcissists can't just surround themselves with people only like them. They need people with a capacity for empathy - people they can provoke and utilize when they need them.
 
The empathic caretaker might be used to charm other new members of the narcissist's harem (using their warm and nurturing presence to do so), to ensnare unsuspecting victims into the narcissist's web and to coddle and "take care" of the narcissist emotionally when needed.
 
The presence of empathic caretakers in a narcissist's harem is an essential one because narcissists need to maintain the image that they are charitable people, no matter how conniving they are. One way to do so is to surround themselves with those who possess the compassion they lack. This provides "social proof" that the narcissist is someone who is supported even by those who are morally distinct from them.
  

5. The scapegoat.*

Finally, but perhaps most importantly, there is the scapegoat - the target that is used as an emotional punching bag for both the narcissist and the cult. The scapegoat can be persecuted in many different ways. They may be subjected to smear campaigns. They may be the center of extreme triangulation where the narcissist neglects and ignores them while praising other members of the group. They may be treated as if they were invisible or disposable; they may serve as the site of blame for the narcissist's many projections, failures and shortcomings.
 

What you have to remember, however, is that any one of the narcissist's members, at any point can become a scapegoat; all they would need to do is to outlive their perceived usefulness to the narcissist, challenge or threaten the narcissist in any way or simply dare to exist.


Many formerly love-bombed targets can be scapegoated or re-idealized (put back on the pedestal) in the abuse cycle based on the narcissist's arbitrary desires and changing needs.

If you've found yourself ensnared in a narcissistic cult or harem of any kind, hold steadfast to the reality of the situation.
 
In order to defeat the puppet master, you must be willing to see the narcissist for who he truly is and cut the strings - for good. No Contact is the only way.

To the emotionally infantile narcissist, you are nothing but a puppet and a doll that the narcissist picks up from time to time to play with when he or she gets bored.

To them, you are a plaything, nothing more. How the narcissist treats you isn't "personal" in the sense that their exploitative and callous behavior is not your fault.

Most dolls get discarded in the narcissist's playhouse of horrors - and while old toys are usually used again, new toys are always brought in to keep the narcissist's "playtime" more interesting.

SOURCE: https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/06/the-dollhouse-5-roles-you-play-in-a-narcissists-harem-or-love-cult/

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