Written  12/2020

*TRIGGER WARNING*

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255

THE DISCARD
July 8th, 2020
(His 40th Birthday)

Sections:

• Intro
• The Gift
• The Day
• Dropped Titles & Emotion
• Headed Over
• His Place
• Betrayed
• The Damage & Sad Truths

The utter shock, inescapable confusion, and overwhelming helplessness I experienced during this discard felt unbearable.

On July 8th his words were in complete opposition to the ones he'd spoken less than 72 hours prior. He had gone from an adoring man certain that we'd make it through anything, to a hostile monster repulsed by my existence.
 

After I offered him my heart in its entirety as a gift, he blindsided me with outlandish accusations and a demeaning assessment of my character. He then began to aggressively tell me that he had never wanted a serious relationship or to fall in love with me, and that he never would. 
 

On July 5th, and many other times throughout the relationship, he said he wanted us to get married within two years. He had also been asking me to get pregnant since early June (I declined).. He held me in his arms during the very early morning hours of July 6th. He kissed my forehead while we snuggled close in his bedroom, and he told me the wonderful ways I made his life better.
 

As we were laying there he squeezed my hand and gave me a warm smile as he reassured me I never had to worry about him abandoning me like he had in May again. He told me he’d prove he was serious about us and that he knew we were going to make it.

These were the comforting moments that concluded the wonderful day we had spent together with his family on July 5th.
 

Yet, on July 8th I was being told I was clueless, not on the same page, and crazy for thinking he wanted anything to do with being loved by me. There was no way to align the two insanely mismatched realities he had presented me with.

My heart was being pummeled by the man I'd just offered it to. The emotional whiplash alone was a debilitating shock to my system.
 

His cold, illogical indifference felt surreal. He'd gone from caring deeply to not caring at all within an instant. The emotions that should have occupied his tone, even in the presence of a relationship's confrontational demise, they simply weren't there. 
 

After my cries made it obvious I was completely broken, he became more calm. Nothing was there anymore. Suddenly, there was no emotional investment. No attachment. Nothing that corresponded with our history, or with all of the incredible plans for our future he'd been speaking of.
 

I was overtaken by suffocating grief. I couldn't understand why he was being so horrible, or how he didn't have the heart to stop when it was obvious how badly he was hurting me. 

No matter how truthfully I spoke I could not make him understand or believe me. I felt helpless. Nothing I said was registering with him. His behavior was only worsening, and my pain drastically increasing.
 

I was wholly twisted inside, and becoming more devastated by the second. The pain was quickly turning into the most horrendous thing I've ever experienced.
 

My heart and mind were breaking simultaneously as I scrambled to grasp exactly what was happening, and why.
  

His abnormally cold display.. His extreme cruelty.. All of it was too much for me to process and comprehend. His attitude towards me and our relationship was in total contrast to what it was mere days prior. It didn't compute. It couldn't.
 

Complete emotional shell-shock was fast approaching. I desperately wanted to understand. I wanted to be ok. I wanted to stop feeling the intense pain of my universe beginning to violently crumble away.
 

The woman he claimed meant so much to him.. He had sucker punched me, turned my world upside down, and burned the big beautiful hopes he'd built up inside of me to the ground.

I hadn't expected to ever have such hope. I had decided years ago that I would never have the type of future or love he spoke of. I had accepted that it was best for me to stay alone, and I'd done exactly that for over seven years..

Somehow, his plans and promises of what we were and how much more we were going to be.. they lit something up inside of me.

That incredible hope he created had been more stunning and meaningful to me than anything else I'd ever felt or thought possible before.
 

On this day, the man I constantly considered intentionally pulverized me right as I offered him the most valuable thing I had- all of myself. My unconditional love. He not only rejected my love, he hated and shamed me for offering it to him in the first place.

His harsh hatred dropped an emotional and mental bomb on the very core of my psyche. I felt like my spirit had been abruptly ripped out of me with traumatic force. Suddenly, nothing made sense. I didn't know what anything meant anymore.
 

I had no idea what happened. I couldn't make sense of why he was acting like a completely different person, or how he could stomach hurting me so horrifically. The shock his heartless cruelty and abrupt abandonment caused is not something my words can do justice.
 

My entire body felt it. I was cold. My lips were dry. There was sweat forming on my forehead. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, and the sound was far too loud. 

My temples hurt. My chest felt like something was placing sharp, heavy pressure in the center. I was nauseated. I was trembling. 

I was trying to breathe correctly, but was too busy trying to think real thoughts to know if I was doing it right..or doing anything right. 

I was trying to remember where I was, what was happening, and what I was supposed to do. 

All of the sounds in my yard sounded muffled, too loud, and too still at the same time. Nothing made sense. 

I didn't want to move, I almost couldn't. I felt paralyzed by fear, confusion, hopelessness, and even by movements around me. 

I was in shock. I didn't realize what this day combined with all the abuse throughout our relationship had done to me. 

I just was, and didn't know what was was anymore. It was absolutely terrifying. The confusion was overwhelming. I was gone.
 

He later acted like it wasn't that bad because there was no psychical abuse, but the pain he inflicted that day hurt far worse than any punch to the head or shove to the ground I'd ever felt at the hands of a man.
 

I went into a state of shock and couldn't function for days, then I worked up to functioning very poorly for months. His actions and cruelty didn't match up with who he said he was, or what he said I meant to him. It was psychological torture and then some. He knows that but simply doesn't care.
 

He'll call me being traumatized dramatic, and ignore the absurd theatrics of what he did to inflict legitimate damage. Or perhaps he's fully aware and it was all intentional. Either way, I will be alright..but on his birthday I was not.

THE GIFT

In this recording. I say the word “like” about 1000 times because I was so nervous. Like, sorry! 😬

Originally I was going to bake him a big lemon cake and make his favorite frozen dessert with Oreos. However, he told me not to make cake because his mom always took care of that. I had gotten the supplies and design planned out, but I didn't want to do something he wouldn't want. Instead, I tried to think of the most loving thing I could do for him. I knew I wanted to at least make him a card.
  

I started making the card early on the 7th. It was nothing fancy or that I thought was good enough for the guy I adored, but it was still very funny, thoughtful, and well made. I used a piece of black cardstock for the front, and a piece of white cardstock for the back.
 

I used the two contrasting colors to play on how he and I had spoken about being yin and yang, and others had pointed out how we were polar opposites. I drew stick figure versions of us. His had a t-shirt that said "I'm fine," because on our first date he said he was always ok..even when he really wasn't.
 

To the left of that silly doodle, was a descending list of the months we had known each other, labeled "An accurate depiction of my evolving attitude towards you." There was a little simple smiley face that looked like me with a different expression next to each month, all accompanied by word bubbles that said various things too. It was cute and lighthearted.
  

The other side was still somewhat playful, but had some sentimentality too. I wrote something silly about thanking him for existing..but then it flowed over to the more serious, cheesy, yet true. I thanked him. I wrote "I'm really glad you're in this world. Thank you for allowing me to finally experience what it's like to be with a good man. Thank you for being better than anything I've ever hoped for or dreamed of. Thanks for being YOU." 
 

Even though he had been terrible to me at times, I still loved him very much. I believed in him with all of my heart. I was still proud of him. I thought he was simply struggling and in need of support and understanding.
 

I wanted him to know that I believed in him, appreciated him, and that I cared for him for who he was no matter what did or didn't change. I wanted him to know he was wonderful, even with his 'demons.' I honestly just wanted to give him love.
 

He had told me he could never be a normal boyfriend, so I wanted him to know that I accepted him as is, and that I loved him for who he was too. I drew a few balloons and a little stick figure version of me holding onto one and flying up. I dropped another goofy joke or two, then ended it with, " But seriously, you know that I adore you" followed by a tiny heart. I covered all sides of the homemade card with clear adhesive sheets to protect it and hold it together nicely. 
  

My son saw me creating the card and asked if he could make one for Mr. D___ too. My kid has a huge, kind heart. He pounced at the opportunity to add to my boyfriend's special day. Little did I know how offensive my gift would be to him.. I still wished I could do more. I felt like he deserved much more.. Then, D.B. sent me the random text regarding how he was upset about not being able to open up.
 

His message made it seem like he was feeling negative about himself. I was also aware it was his first birthday without his father. That text left me with an overwhelming desire to comfort him.. To do something to show my unwavering care and support. My affection for him rushed over me from head to toe, and my heart was bursting with fondness for him. It was an electrifying sensation. I knew exactly what to do! It would be a time consuming task, but I could think of nothing I would rather do at that moment than put together something to show him just how much he meant to me. 
 

He'd told me many times before that he was scared of being vulnerable, but he truly seemed to have been trying hard to get there lately.. So I was going to make certain his gift counted for something.
  

My heart felt the highest it had since our very first date as I read over each letter (cringing at some parts), organized them, and then placed them in envelopes. I labeled each envelope so he would know during which period of the relationship I had written them, and the circumstances that caused me to write such profound things to him. I then put the envelopes in the correct order from the start of our relationship to present day. 
 

I was so proud and brimming with joy about what I was creating for him. It was all of me, and all of 'us.' It was a perfect representation of how much he meant to me. I even stuck sticky notes on most of them to explain my intent. They were powerfully sweet. I was used to walking on eggshells and around land mines, so I wanted to be careful and let him know exactly the lovely purpose and feelings I had for each and every thing I was including. 
 

After reading over my letters, many of their touching sentiments were stuck in my head. This caused me to grab the artwork I had made for him back in May.(available in the slideshow at the top of this page) I decided to include it as well. It was another way of expressing my care and full support of the struggles that he shared.
 

He had led me to believe he was only out of communication each time due to his painful struggles with PTSD. He had told me he felt trapped within the mess that was his head...That inspired me to create the drawing months back. It was personalized and creative.
 

Much thought and care put into every single part of his gift. I then got uneasy about the possibility of him misunderstanding.. because of those eggshells I was accustom to. Anything and everything could set him off or be taken the wrong way. But things had been better lately! 
 

He'd just told me many things that were so romantic and serious a few days ago. Surely, I can relax and just be my loving self and do something nice without it creating a crisis. So I decided that writing a logical and romantic note to place on top was a sufficient precaution. 
 

I wanted him to know it was something from the heart. I wrote that the letters/notes were embarrassing, and practically like journal entries which I had written in the heat of the moment..Also, that he didn't even have to read them, that I'd actually prefer if he didn't. 
 

The note said that I wanted him to have the option to know as much of me as he wanted, because he already had all of me. There was a line at the bottom of the note in bolder lettering which stated, "They are everything I wrote throughout our relationship while I was falling for you." 
 

On our first date he said he was going to really enjoy falling for me, and then for the last two months he'd been saying things about our future and having babies with me. So... I thought it was safe and acceptable to share how much I cared too. 
 

We had all of those dates, and he had told me how much he cared for me, it was a lot. Thus, I thought it was more than ok for me to show him I cared too, and to fully put myself out there. I was offering him the most valuable thing possible, all of myself. 
 

Someone's love is an incredible gift, not to be taken for granted or mocked. 
 

All the letters were tied together neatly, with a note on top explaining why I was providing them, what it meant to me, and exactly what it was supposed to be offering to him. It was a meaningful gesture.. 
 

I did it because he had told me he was scared of being vulnerable.. So for his gift, I was offering him my entirety and letting him know (I included this in the note as well) that even if it took him months or years or forever to be comfortable enough to open up, that I was going to still be there for him. That I was more than willing to let him know all of me, even if he wasn't ever going to be able to do the same in return, because that is how much he mattered to me. 
 

His gift was me offering him my entire heart and soul on a silver platter.
 

It was rather scary for me to offer him all of that. Being vulnerable scared me too, but I had no doubt in my mind he was worth any risk. I had to force myself to be brave and express all that love and devotion that was bubbling fiercely inside of me. I thought he deserved that much effort.. and due to my fears, it took a great deal of it. 
 

He had told me he wanted us to be married in two years and have babies multiple times within the last month. So I thought it was a good thing to share what I was choosing to share with him.
 

I thought our relationship was important, and that the only way to give him all of the wonderful things he deserved was to give him my all. 
 

It was terrifying to offer up my entire self and to point out my most vulnerable spots to him after everything we'd been through, and in general. The most important thing to me though, was that I wanted to give him something sincere and of great significance. The letters were only included because he had sent that text about being upset. 
 

I didn't want him to feel bad. I was trying so hard to show him that it was ok, and that he didn't have to rush..That even if he took his sweet time, and I couldn't have all of him yet, that he could still have all of me because I trusted and loved him. 
  

The fullness of my heart felt absolutely amazing while I was putting his gift together. It was the equivalent to shouting from the rooftops because you are experiencing such an incredible feeling that you can simply no longer contain yourself! Yeah, it sounds cheesy, but anyone who has ever fallen in love knows this wonderful feeling and how powerful it is the first time it truly strikes you.
 

That feeling was how much I adored him, and how much I wanted to provide him with happiness. I wanted to offer him anything and everything he needed. I was ready to choose to love him with all I had, forever. 
 

THE DAY

I put everything in a simple little brown gift bag. The letters, my big card, my kid's card, and the artwork.
 

I headed up to his house bright and early that morning before 7 a.m. when he'd still be asleep. I went that early because I didn't want to bother him on his day if he wasn't up to seeing anyone. I never knew how to behave because how he acted towards me seemed to always be changing, and my adjustments to his fluctuations failed to ever be what he wanted.
 

I wholeheartedly believed he was everything he claimed to be, and that he meant, or at least wanted to mean all he'd been telling me since we'd gotten back together after the incident in May. I was under the impression that he would only lash out sometimes due to stress, and that he would only ghost me when his PTSD issues overtook him. So that morning, I dropped off the present. Even if he was having a bad day, I surely didn't want to neglect him by not giving him my sweet present- a present which would show him he was so deeply cared for! 
 

He had said he felt unlovable more than once, and who doesn't want to be cared for? Who doesn't want to know how much someone is willing to offer them? Who wouldn't be elated to know someone that they themselves had declared a deep care for was willing to go through extremes for them with endless patience and constant consideration??
 

After I dropped off his gifts that morning, I simply waited and hoped that he was feeling better than he had the evening before. I didn't hear from him all day. So around 6 p.m. I reached out apologizing, even though I had nothing to apologize for.. I reached out because my boyfriend ignoring me all day on his birthday, and for most of the day leading up to it, was 'off.' 
 

I was worried about him. I was also worried that I may have disappointed him or made him think I didn't care by not purchasing him anything..that I had done something wrong. Or even worse, that something bad had happened and he was hurting. He had some tragedies strike at the worst time on multiple occasions within the past few months, so it wasn't unreasonable to think it could've happened again. What if he was struggling with wanting to drink again because it was the first year without his father around on his birthday?.. 
 

Those concerns are why I apologized for nothing and told him I only wanted him to have a good day. I was so,so careful because I didn't want to anger him or make him unhappy. I explained myself and why I dropped his gift off early, even though I had already told him why by text first thing that morning.
 

He did respond to my apology and well wishes.

He texted that he would talk to me later, but that he was “still pretty heated about what went down earlier today."

I had no idea what he was referring to. I didn't know what was wrong or why he was mad. I didn't even know he was mad at me in that moment. All I wanted was for him to have a good birthday and feel important and cared for. 
 

He had told me during some of what he claimed were his lowest moments, that my sincerity and heartfelt words meant the world to him and made his heart smile. So I figured a genuinely loving, sentimental gift from my heart would be just what he needed to feel cared for and at least a moment of joy. I thought it was extraordinarily sweet. It meant so much for me to be giving something so hard to offer him after everything from May. I was trying to lift his spirits with my kindness, and it was all true and meaningful.
 

I knew how things had been before. I knew he would get angry and accuse me of nasty intentions that were as far from the truth as possible. Even though he had told me it would be different, the entire reason I'd been afraid the night before and reached out, was because I felt it was actually the same due to him not responding or communicating after such an incredibly intimate day together on the 5th..Yet here we were on the 8th..
 

So I replied to him saying that I didn't mean anything bad and that I was sorry if I had upset him. I also said that he didn't even have to call if he wasn't up to it. After I told him he didn't have to call, he responded 

"Oh, I'm calling."  
 

***My confusion with the passive aggressive texts and distance from the past 48 hours was now seeping to the very forefront of my mind. I was hoping maybe I was just being paranoid..(since he always said the bad things were all in my head)***
 

So, hoping I was just being too sensitive, I texted back that I didn't mean anything bad, and that if I had upset him I was sorry.
 

"You just don't get it! You're still completely clueless."
 

"We aren't on the same page at all! We will be after tonight."

His words were like a gut punch and a stab to my heart.

I didn't know what I had done to earn him calling me stupid and being so disrespectful and ugly to me. I tried to think of how I wronged him. I figured I must have done something. Yet, I could think of nothing. 
 

I explained myself to throw the truth out there as a counterattack to his negative assumptions and hostility. I told him that I was sorry he was having such a bad day, and that I hoped it would get better. 
 

I texted back. "I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. I've always been nothing but compassionate and patient with you, please show me the same courtesy." He texted, "I'm not going to yell at you or anything, I'll just tell you and that'll be it." Spoken as if only raised voices do serious damage..
 

He'd speak to me like I was a child he regretted having. That's right, he spoke to me like he was my abusive father, and I the resented child he was forcefully making step back in line. 
 

—  On the 5th and 6th 
he said I was wonderful and we were going to make it through anything because he knew what he wanted (to be with me).. 
 

—  but now on the 8th, 
I'm having to explain myself and be told how everything I did, thought, felt, and wanted was wrong, stupid, and crazy. 

..That D.B. did not approve, and was being forced to correct my insolence by deciding and enforcing the appropriate punishment.
 

The tone of those texts required no vocal inflection to understand. 'You're still clueless' spoke volumes loud enough to grab the attention of the deepest recesses of my mind. 
 

It sounded like he couldn't stand me and was going to break up with me to get us 'on the same page.' 
 

The wonderful days leading up to this were a sharp contrast to what I was being sucked into. His now hateful, aggressive speech towards me didn't make sense. 
 

He then asked if I wanted to have the talk in person. I liked that idea, so I asked what time. Then he offered the option for him to call me instead of me driving over. He said, "completely your choice." I said, "In person is always better, will that make you angrier?" He said, "It doesn't matter, it will be the same thing either way." 
 

After I chose to speak with him in person, he quickly decided (within less than a minute) that it was going to be done over the phone. He said he was tired and had a long day, he was going to just shower and go to bed anyway, and he also said he didn't want me to waste time getting all ready for nothing. I let him know I had been dressed all day anyway, because I thought there was a good chance he'd want to see me on his birthday. He insisted on the phone.
 

All of this, him being so angry and unkind towards me.. the massive amount of love that went into his gift… how much I cared and only wanted him to be alright..

I was sad, hurting, baffled, and felt guilty because I thought I must have done something wrong- I always felt guilty when he was the one doing wrong. I was too hurt to be angry. I was just painfully stunned by his insults and negativity.
 

He called me almost immediately after he decided for us that it would not be discussed in person. 
 

He let me know that he was extremely angry. 
 

He told me he couldn't understand why I would ever think he wanted what I gave him. 
 

He asked me to please try to explain it, because he didn't get why I'd do something like that at all! I told him I included the note on top that explained why. He claimed he still couldn't understand why even after reading my note.
 

He asked a few times "Why would you think I would want that!?" He also added, "I'm never going to read them." He told me it made absolutely no sense, even after I kindly explained it over the phone again.
 

I shouldn't have had to explain my gift, there was nothing wrong with it. That sentimental, thoughtful gift should have been deeply appreciated, instead of being used as an excuse to blindside and bully me for treating him better than he ever came close to treating me on his best day.
 

I shouldn't have had to be so scared to do anything(everything), especially loving innocent gestures. But I was always scared, because anything and everything could bring out the monster. And this monster would blame who he was attacking for the attack every time. Then attack you until you were knocked all the way down and no longer displaying enough self-worth to defend yourself against his unjust cruelty, his accusations, or his insistence on being the final authority.

Back to the call...

He then said he felt like I included the letters to push and manipulate him into opening up after he clearly stated it made him upset. So once again, everything in the world- all of his actions, how he treats me, it all revolves around how he feels he has been wronged, deprived, 'disrespected.' 
 

After he called me clueless and finished saying he didn't understand or want my letters, he thought the best follow up was to insult my integrity by accusing me of horrendous intent behind providing them in the first place. 
 

He had been the only one to degrade, neglect, and betray in the relationship, and even though I was always fully honest and respectful towards him, he didn't hesitate to say I was up to something malicious that in no way aligned with my character- nor how I had ever treated him.
 

He’d changed the intent behind me giving him those loving letters into something ugly that it never was in reality.
 

The cruelty didn't stop there, not even close. 
 

After those insults and accusations.. He moved back over to saying I had given a horrible gift that I should've known he wouldn't want, regardless of why I did it.
 

He reiterated that I was crazy for giving the gift I gave him (A gift that was sincere, huge, creative, and full of consideration for him.) He said it made absolutely no sense at all for me to think he'd want my letters and the loving words I wrote on his card. 
 

He then said that he wasn't ready for all 'that stuff,' 'love and a serious relationship.' He sternly stated, "I'm not ready for that. I don't want that! With anybody!" On July 5th, and many other times throughout the months before, he said he wanted us to be married and he'd been trying to convince me to get pregnant...But suddenly, I was being told I am clueless, not on the same page, and crazy for thinking he wanted a future with me.
 

After all of those blows, he brought up the card my kid made. 

He said that giving him that was manipulation as well. I didn't know why he was being like this, and so I just started to cry on the phone. My heart was hurting so badly. I wanted to curl up and hide. I was full of grief. I couldn't understand why he was being so horrible, or how he had the heart to not stop when it was beyond obvious that he was hurting me severely. 
 

I couldn't make him understand. I felt helpless. He said that I knew an ex girlfriend used her kid to make him stay in a relationship with her, so I should've known better than to give him a card my kid made. 

That accusation hurt me BADLY because—
 

—   First off:

he was accusing me of being dishonest and manipulative. He KNEW better.

—   Secondly: 

I told him many times before that I do not want someone who doesn't want me! I would never want a person I had to trick, nor would I trick a person in the first place! I want someone who wants to be with me because they know ME and appreciate me- flaws and all- and want to be with me just as much as I want to be with them. I only want something authentic. I suppose he was projecting his lack of sincerity onto me..

—   Lastly:

he had been talking about and making clear for over a month, that he WANTED to be with me- forever even. That he wanted us to end up married, have children. So..since he had been saying all those beautiful things to me WHY THE HELL would I have even thought I needed to trick or manipulate him to stay with me? 

Even if I were the crappy person he wrongly decided I was. I never thought he wanted to leave! Even in his crazy-logic..(if it wasn't all just an act and him being sadistic) WHY would I even feel the need to manipulate him into being with me when he had already made it abundantly clear that he wanted to be with me!? 

Why would I try to trick him into doing something that he already convinced me he was doing!? 

It made no sense whatsoever! Because his abuse was crazy. Not my response to it.

After he finished putting all of those daggers into me after I had offered him nothing but pure love, he told me "Oh don't cry, I'm not a monster, I don't want you all sad and upset. I can understand that" blah blah, I'm not a monster. 
 

But he had been SO MEAN. My emotions were all heightened, I was in immense pain. That is not how you treat someone. It was BAD, and about to get much worse. 
 

Being spoken to that way by him, like he had no positive feelings towards me at all...I was already crying over that. Then he adds more, he tells me he was just having a bad day, it was his first birthday without his dad, and now he's pissed off at his girlfriend. So I started to cry more, and asked him if he was going to break up with me over what he thought I was trying to do? Because I had managed to ruin his birthday?
 

It wasn't unreasonable for that to be a fear in my mind, with the way he was attacking me. He was being awful and accusatory when I just gave him the most loving thoughtful, pure thing possible as a gift.
 

I went from feeling loved and like I was bonding with a family he said I was going to end up being a part of on the 5th-6th, to being talked to like I was worthless dirt he wanted to brush off on the 8th. IT WAS HORRIBLE.
 

His tone, the words, the unpredictable shifts. The shock alone... I wish I could articulate it better. It wasn't a crazy thing to ask if he was breaking up with me, he'd done it to me before... I was beyond sad, and he was beyond just being a 'jerk,' He was being an abusive monster, like the monsters he shamed from his past. All of that made my concern, fear, hurt, and question to him very reasonable. 
 

My chest was so tight, my head was spinning, and my spirit on the verge of complete collapse.
 

In response to the question I asked meekly through tears, he became livid and asked "Why would you even ask that!? Are you going to break up with me?"
 

So now, not only was my gift horrible and stupid, my intent evil, his day ruined by me somehow, but now my fears and hurt as a reaction to his demeaning behavior offended him too! I was just ruining everything, no matter what I did...I felt incredibly helpless and afraid.
 

He said he had a feeling I was going to break up with him all day long. I said  I was hurt and frightened by him thinking I did terrible things after all I tried to do was give him a good day and an amazing gift..
 

I told him I had asked because I was confused and terrified. because I didn't understand what was happening or why.. The reason I was acting the way I was crying on the phone with him, whether he admits it or not, was because of how he had been talking to me. He was being terrible. 
 

You don't talk to people or even text people in that manner.. He gave me nothing in the conversation beyond insults and unfounded accusations- it was abuse.
 

Due to all of that I was shaken… He was acting like he couldn't understand why I was upset by the way he’d just spoken to me. I was hurting because of how much hell he'd already put me through, and how this was taking place right after things seemed to finally be settling into positive routine within our relationship. 
 

Somehow he acted as if he didn't and couldn't understand how attacking me the way he did had me in pain. He acted like i had no reason to be upset after he’d been cruel and made me cry on his own birthday after I’d given him a gift that wasn’t only from my heart, but was my heart.. All my gift should have shown him was love, but he claimed he saw it as a selfish trick I was using to try to play him.
 

He couldn't see (or pretended he couldn't) how his cruel, critical, and confusing response to my gift and kind words had shaken and deeply hurt me. That hurt and fear made me question if he was about to break up with me.
 

This man had just told me less than three days prior that he was wanting to marry me within two years and have a baby now.. But suddenly on this day, his birthday, he was telling me that I didn't 'get it' or understand what he wanted at all.

He then drew yet another blade, and said all he could think about now was breaking up with me because I had asked him if he was going to.. But when I shared how badly that hurt and was not what I wanted at all, he then assured me he didn't want to break up.
 

He assured me he wasn't going to break up with me. He told me he was actually worried I wanted to break up with him..  
 

I told him I was terrified he was going to leave because of how he was sounding. I shared how upset I was by the way our conversation was going. 
 

I told him that I only asked if he wanted to break up with me due to it being my absolute worst fear to lose him because he meant so much to me.
 

And so he said, "Well, then you shouldn't have said that." 

I told him I didn't want to break up with him at all. He repeatedly and firmly, said "I don't believe you." "I just don't believe you."

Almost like he was laying the ground work to blame me for all the pain he was about to inflict.. To act like he never would have hurt me the way he was about to, but I had to go and put it in his head by asking him that question..
   

Everything bad he did to me, I made him do it, or an outside force caused it. Who is going to be 100% rational after being treated like that mere days after they are given a (false) sense of security and true care from their partner they love more than themselves?
 

I was crying and hurting more than I thought I could. So then he stuck another jab in by turning it all around on me by telling me I was overreacting. He shifted to pointing out that I was being dramatic and insane (by reacting strongly to his jarring mistreatment) 
 

Never once did he seem to be capable of reflecting on his reaction to a devoted, kind girlfriend's loving, cute birthday card, thoughtful letters, personal artwork, sweet notes, and texts messages..being vulnerable telling him she cared about him more than anything.. He never cared or thought his behavior and mistreatment of me was an issue, but in reality it was THE issue.
 

I was being told it was all my fault that he was being hateful, and that my being stupid(clueless) and manipulative had ruined his day..A day I had put my entire heart into trying to make special for him by giving him the greatest thing I possessed— my unconditional love. 
 

DROPPED TITLES AND EMOTIONS 

His hatred towards me came out of nowhere. It was completely illogical. There was no way to understand it.
 

You don't just go from you're the one, I really want to have babies with you. and you're the first person I have ever introduced to my family.. TO A SECOND LATER being.. just a 'friend' that he called clueless and manipulative within the past half hour...  
 

What!? No, that doesn't make sense in any way. He still claims it was all real. But you don't go from I want forever with you to casually 'dropping the titles.'
 

..It was like a parent saying, "END OF CONVERSATION," to their ignorant child. 
 

There was absolutely nothing casual about the bombs he'd just dropped on me. Yet, he was now sounding calmer and more aloof than he had the entire conversation. He very calmly, coldly, ended our relationship like we were never in one..
 

He was treating me like I never meant anything to him. 
 

D.B had just said on July 5th and 6th that he would never do this to me again. (Not that the time before was this extreme)
 

He responded by saying he wasn't going to hang up on me. He reassured me that he would definitely not hang up on me. 
 

He still sounded abnormally calm and collected..after all of his hostility, tearing me apart, and wrecking my heart..
 

Here he comes with another strike- 

Less than two minutes (once again) after saying he would not hang up on me, he said our conversation was going in circles, and that he was going to shower because it had been a long day.
 

His response was—
"Bye Erinn.” 

and then he hung up on me while I was crying for him to wait.
 

He hung up like it was no big deal to shake me that way, severely wound me and give me no closure, clarity, or kindness.
 

He had degraded me with insulting names and accusations.. then just cut me off and forcefully ended the conversation when it was beyond obvious that I was in a great deal of pain… 
 

All that I was experiencing was about to get so much worse.

HEADED OVER

He had managed to do all of these horrid things to cause unbelievable pain, then had simply turned around to practically ask, "What's wrong with you!? Why are you acting so insane and dramatic?"

HIS PLACE

BETRAYED

This was not just the pain of an ugly break up or a bad rejection, not even close.

Throughout our relationship.. the more he spoke of a serious future together the more my walls fell, my hopes rose, and my attachment to him strengthened.
 

This is why our relationship felt incredibly intense in a relatively short span of time. It was like I found my home.
 

The duration of our relationship doesn't change the deep devotion I had, nor the validity of the love I felt. It was real for me. Very, very real.
 

The relationship had been a roller coaster, but it had become mostly steady (for us) for several consecutive weeks leading up to this horrid day.
 

I was growing fond of his family, especially his wonderful mother. I fully believed he was 'it' for me. 
 

He spoke about how he knew I'd be his wife one day. He told me that was part of the reason he was wanting to have a baby with me in the present.
 

He had been building up this reality and hope in my heart. I had just been around his family.They told me I was the first girl he ever brought home or introduced them to.
 

Within the weeks leading up to this discard he thanked me for being so incredibly patient with him because he said he knew he was complicated to deal with.
  

It had only been a couple of days since he said that he envisioned me as a permanent fixture in his life..
 

There had been no big incident. Nothing that should've changed in the course of 48-72 hours to make all of our care for one another null. Nothing took place should've been able to twist his care for me into hate.
 

However, on his birthday he broke me down to nothing.
  

He no longer wanted me.
 

He couldn't even stand me.
 

He let me know he was done with me and thought I was awful, stupid, crazy, and manipulative.
  

Suddenly I no longer deserved him. I deserved to have my heart and mind beaten to death. 
 

What had I done?
 

Even if I had wronged him, who deserves to be attacked and mistreated that way?? If he would've been in the same kind of pain he was inflicting upon me it would have broken my heart.
 

I wanted to give him everything. He wanted to push me down and out like I deserved nothing.
 

He had no problem closing the door in my face, literally and figuratively.
 

I had "crossed the line" because I insisted on talking to him after the insanity of how he'd unexpectedly torn my world apart.
 

I needed to speak with him because none of it made sense. At least, it didn't make sense before I learned about these abuse patterns.
 

None of what took place on this day made sense when I believed he was really the person he claimed to be.
 

The pieces didn't fit. He was showing me two completely opposite versions of himself and the reality of our relationship.
 

Before the discard I was in love, excited, hopeful, thrilled with how much better things had been going... I was full of devotion for the only man I thought I'd ever hold again.
 

I went from this blissful high to being harshly torn down and stuck burning at the lowest low I've ever felt.
 

On the morning of his birthday I had no doubts that I wanted to be with him and that he wanted to be with me forever. His words (which I didn't think were empty air) had expressed that he was certain and cared about our relationship.
 

I thought he was going to be in my future. I thought he was fighting for himself and for me.
 

I went from ALL OF THAT.. to him hating me and accusing me of being the most awful person in the world.
 

I went from all of that love and believing he'd always be around, to his hate and him being completely… gone.
 

He didn't even care enough about my heart or my well-being to go compassionately. I didn't matter. Only he did.
 

I know how bad it feels to be low… to feel like nothing.. to feel like you're nothing but a hindrance to everyone around you.. to think you're not good enough.. like you're too much and too little at the same time… I know how painful it is to never feel safe.. to just want to lay on the floor and quit… I know how bad it feels to feel bad, and I have no desire to make anyone else feel that way.. especially him.
 

I never wanted anything bad for him. I still don't. I know how awful it is to hurt. I don't understand wanting to hurt someone. I can't wrap my mind or heart around it. Hurting sucks, hurting just really sucks. Why would I want to make someone else feel that?
 

I never wanted to bring him down. I never stopped thinking about how my words and actions could impact him.
 

I was so careful of his feelings because I loved him.

Yet he had no problem with psychologically taking me, throwing me to the ground and trampling all over me. Followed by him letting me know that I deserved it, and that it was all my fault.
 

I saw so much worth in him, and in return he thought I was unworthy of being treated like a human being.
 

He managed to twist me offering him my undying love into something ugly, unwanted, and full of manipulative intent.
 

He twisted my fear and insecurity into a reason I deserved for him to kick me down repeatedly.
 

He twisted everything to make me the bad guy, and him the one victimized and disappointed by me..because he was having to put up with my 'crazy' nonsense.
 

I showed him he was important to me. I let him know that I loved him unconditionally.. In response, he turned it all around by acting like I had done something horrible and selfish that warranted his brutal exit.
  

I never would have hurt him intentionally. If I managed to cause harm I would have felt terrible, apologized, and tried to learn a way to never do whatever wrong I had done again. As a matter of fact, he had convinced me I had unintentionally hurt or offended him on many occasions, and I DID apologize each time.
 

I would modify my behavior in attempts to do right by him, to avoid hurting him.
 

When we were together he acted like he was reaching out, and I wanted nothing more than to extend my hand to him and be by his side while he found his own way.
 

Yet, this man I constantly considered is who intentionally destroyed me as I was offering him all I had.

THE DAMAGE & SAD TRUTHS

I'm sure everyone is aware of this, but feelings greatly impact our thoughts. Those feelings and thoughts obviously come from and influence our mind (our brain)— which is rather essential for functioning..
  

If someone manages to destroy your sense of self, your feelings and heart through manipulation, deception, betrayal, cruelty, neglect, baffling contradictions, reenacting and triggering past traumatic experiences… Well, that's the perfect set up for a disaster of epic proportions. 
 

Such a debilitating level of disaster is what his barbarism inflicted on my mind. It was as though my spirit and my hope had been violated, disrupted, decimated.
 

All of those feelings and chaos in anyone's head can create a dark, dangerous thing. It is not a healthy space to be in. 
 

It's crazy when someone you love gets away with killing a core part of you just because you trusted they never would. 
 

What he did on his birthday, on top of all the stress and pain our relationship had already produced, it killed a part of me. That death caused me not to be able to see or feel any of the parts remaining that made sense or which were still alive.
 

I wanted to die physically. It would have balanced out the insane reality he had thrown me into. A reality in which he had destroyed my will to believe in anything, or in my ability to understand the world around me. 
 

I was crushed.

The pain, I cannot. I just cannot describe it well enough. I hadn't felt anything like that before. 
 

I never knew exactly what was happening throughout my relationship with D.B.
 

He’ convinced me that I was crazy and selfish. I believed I deserved whatever ugliness he unleashed. I believed I must have done something wrong.. 
 

I was certain that I was the awful, crazy, selfish, clueless one unworthy of his attention and kindness.. According to his words and his actions, that's exactly who I was.
 

I knew I must have been getting what I deserved. 
 

No matter how good I was being, or how pure and beautiful my intentions were, after a short amount of time with him I felt like I was broken and useless. 
 

I didn't know what all was going on with my mind, but I knew that I cared about him and only wanted the absolute best for him in every situation. I wanted him to have a good life. 
 

I was inexpressibly hurt by the way he broke up with me. It was shocking. The way he spoke down to me was absolutely hideous. 
 

To be broken up with in a manner that feels more like being completely deleted.. like I was only an accessory that could be tossed out when the fad phased out.. it was a disgusting way to be left. 
 

It is why it wasn't just a break up. To be discarded is awful no matter what, but coming from a person that I loved more than I loved anyone (other than my child) was a pain I am trying my best to express throughout this writing. 
 

It was like I had been torn away from myself, and told I was something else to the point that I believed I was everything he said I was and wasn't. 

It’s like I was buried and trapped in a prison inside my own mind. I couldn't make it stop. 
 

It wasn't simply my feelings being hurt or sad. The brand of hurt and mind-fuckery he provided left me at war with myself. 
 

I was trapped and being eaten alive. An excruciating pain that nobody else could see on the outside, but I knew on the inside it was the most intensely personal type of torture possible. It was a very helpless feeling. 
 

It was frighteningly hopeless and isolating. It brought forth something close to temporary insanity. 
 

I wish I could explain it better. It was the type of feeling that leads to suicide. Alone, helpless, and hopeless. 
 

It is an awful, awful feeling that anyone who has ever experienced suicidal thoughts for any reason or condition understands.
 

It is not simply sitting down stuck in hurt feelings. It goes beyond that. 
 

The best I can describe it is being trapped under something far too heavy to lift off of yourself, but you can't make sense of what it is or escape because nobody can hear you scream or see that you are being crushed beneath an immeasurable weight. I was alone suffocating and paralyzed in pitch black. 
 

It was not that my boyfriend I loved broke up with me. That simple but serious sadness was not what made me want to be gone.
 

It was being in this place I landed after all of his intense hatred and cruelty. A place in which I didn't know where anything was, what anything was, who I was, why I was. 
 

All I knew in that wretched place was that I had become all-consumed by a type of hurt only those who have fallen this low can fully comprehend. 
 

I felt stuck, confused, lost, fearful, and such overwhelming pain that it was physically hurting my head and chest. I wanted to give up. 
 

I saw no point. I felt worthless, powerless, lost, shocked, confused, broken. I felt like a waste of space. I thought I was nothing but a clueless, needy, harmful, useless, crazy waste. I was some negative..'thing.' 
 

I believed that I was everything he had ever told me I was, and like everything he had just treated me like I was.
 

He treated me like I was nothing, and then I felt like I was nothing..
 

I was used to adopting his reality, my brain wasn't going to just suddenly catch on and stop now because he ended his game.
 

Logic wasn't going to swoop in a restore the imbalance of chemicals swarming around in my brain as a result of the toxic rollercoaster proven to be created within abusive dynamics. 
 

You can't just 'snap out of it' or 'man up.' It has nothing to do with weakness of character at such a point. It has to do with brain chemistry and emotional turmoil from evil done to you by a person who doesn't care, doesn't understand, or a combination of the two. 
 

To destroy others for any reason beyond self defense of your life is a major weakness of character that only damages others and oneself. But..I know some people can't help it. That doesn't make it ok. It is not ok. It is horrendous. Nobody deserves to EVER feel that way. 
 

NOBODY. Not even the abusive arse who ripped my world and heart apart. I always ended up thinking that it was me who was wronging him and who needed to do better..to try harder. I had been believing all he said.. 
 

During this discard.. he just closed a door in my face, told me I was horrible, that I had crossed the line..
 

He had shown me that I was so flawed and worthless that he could easily go from wanting me forever, to disposing of me without flinching.
 

I was not in my right mind, I was having some type of mental breakdown. I didn't want to feel, because all I could feel was anguish, shame, and confusion. 
 

Sadly, after the horror of what I'd just endured throughout something insanely cruel, all I could think was that I deserved it. 
 

I believed I was a waste of space. I had managed to hurt him. I believed that it was I who was poison. I would only bring others down. I was bad. 
 

I was shaming myself for drowning and didn't even realize I'd been tossed into the deep freezing waters by someone else. 
 

I was reaching out to him but I couldn't escape. Nobody was there to take my hand and pull me out. I was sinking. I was alone.
 

I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to stop feeling. I wanted to stop being awful. 
 

It was far beyond hurt feelings and a pity party. Someone who can't feel can never understand that to feel is to be human, and to be treated like you are anything less when you are in an extremely vulnerable place (like due to abuse) can be deadly. 
 

Someone being vulnerable doesn't mean they deserve to die...or to want to die. It doesn't make someone without the same particular vulnerabilities more worthy of peace and life.
 

I wouldn't have collapsed from an interaction or partnership with a non-abusive person..I collapsed when I became intertwined with someone whose 'strengths' aligned perfectly with worsening and exploiting my greatest weaknesses. 

I am tender, and he is hostile. BAD combination. 
 

He should have never felt he had the right to violate and bully another person..which is EXACTLY what any form of abuse is.
 

Abuse is entitlement in the most toxic way. He does not matter more than I do. He does not deserve better.
 

He and I were both born, and will both inevitably die. We are both human. I am worth no more than him, and he sure as hell isn't worth more than me just because he tyrants over others who trust him.
 

D.B. later said, during the second hoover "Well, if that's all it took to end it all." And he joked telling me not to drive off a bridge..
  

All it did was invalidate my experience and make me feel silly for what caused me such suffering and unbearable pain that I wanted to stop living. It was a big deal. It wasn't right. 
 

These types know how to destroy. It is in their nature. It would have damaged and potentially done that to anyone with the normal range of human emotions. He never stops adding insult to injury any time I let him back in. 
 

Little comments like that carry a lot of weight. Pretty sure he knows it..and that's why he does it.
 

For someone who just lost people to suicide, he sure has remained unfeeling and insensitive regarding the subject matter.  
  

My child that day is all that kept me alive. I was lucky enough to still be able to grasp onto something. Not everyone is that fortunate. That is why we lose so many people to suicide. 
 

It is unfair that I survived and others have not. But there is nothing I can do to change that, sadly. 
 

Nobody deserves to go out that way. I am thankful that I didn't. Getting to such a point you are no longer in your right mind. Rational thought is gone. You are gone. That's why I consider myself very lucky. 
 

That day the pain in my chest and in the pit of my stomach reminded me of my child and the possibility of another. It helped me drag myself out. 
 

There was no little one, pretty certain there never was one, that it was just a fluke. He had told me I needed to test again just a few days prior(on the 5th while we were at his brother's house) 
 

Regardless, the thought alone that it was a possible, luckily crossed my mind. It gave me more to hold onto. It woke a tiny part of me. I remembered my son and I fought hard for him and for the possibility of the other. 
 

I fought the best that I could within each moment of awareness I had, until I came back around. It took several days..It was something D.B. thinks means I am too crazy for him..not that he is even close to being more sane. 
 

That was an extremely painful, frightening, and traumatizing experience for me. The psychological abuse and betrayal from the only man I’d ever loved.. it broke me. 
 

He broke me, but I've been lucky enough to find some of the pieces I am currently fusing back together. 
 

It was insanity, but it was an understandable response to have to the abusive INSANITY he put me through. 
 

I see professionals to manage my mental health. I am diagnosed with clinical depression, cPTSD, and anxiety. That's it. Not that that isn't enough. Having professionals in your corner does help though. I am now aware what is going on with me and of what happened to my mind then. I am not crazy, not in the way he thinks at least. 
 

It's strange.. On the surface, it was pretty embarrassing that this day could make things so disastrously low for me… But the entire experience was incredibly destabilizing. It was traumatic, and so my brain processed it as such. 
 

The shock, the lack of security, the cruelty, the back and forth, all of it. What he did. How he treated me like I wasn't even a real person..It was an awful thing. It is not a part of normal intimate relationships. 
 

Logically I knew I had things to live for..Things far more important than a man who had only been in my life for a short time. I knew that.. but in that moment, on that day I DID NOT. 
 

This site, it shows the legitimacy of the severe damage psychological abuse can cause. It is not 'just emotional.' It is abuse, and it is horrible. 
 

The relationship had messed with my head so badly. I was hopelessly lost. I didn't know what to think. I was confused about every single thing. The confusion was all-consuming.
 

I couldn't escape and it was a painful, terrifying confusion. Nothing made sense. I didn't understand what I was doing, and I didn't trust any of my own thoughts and feelings anymore. I didn't think I knew anything. I didn't think I could do anything, or actually be anyone anymore.
 

He can call me weak, but abuse is always serious. It usually has a dramatic impact on the abused. So he can enjoy knowing I did react in a dramatic fashion to what he did, and It was completely appropriate to do so because the wrong he did was serious enough and warranted serious repercussions. 
 

One of the saddest things about all of this, is that if he would've told me he had some kind of a disorder, if he told me all the horrible things he had done, if he had told me all of the most disturbing thoughts he had ever thought..I would have accepted him no matter what. 
 

He didn't care at all. He didn't want me to know him. He wanted me to know him as who he kept saying he was. But his actions never reflected he was who claimed to be. 
 

If that was real, which I don't think it was, but I'm just gonna make believe right now that it was real.. I am going to pretend what he said about himself was true, and that he was scared of sharing his demons and vulnerabilities.. 
 

If that were all true, it would still be infuriating because I was so dedicated and in love that he could've told me the darkest thing imaginable and I would've still loved him and stood by his side. That isn't healthy, but it's true. HE HAD ME.
 

He had my entire heart in his hands. I was all his. It is scary to know, but the truth is still that he could've told me the darkest thing about him, or if he'd done something illegal, incredibly immoral, that he had creepy or weird addictions, anything like that. I was in that deep. 
 

Nothing he could have told me when we were together would have made me run away!(even if it should have) I would have still had my arms and heart wide open to him. 
 

There is NOTHING he could've done in his past or told me about himself that would've made me abandon him. I loved him. He had me. And he ran away, because he couldn't appreciate something of actual value. 
 

I guess part of all that certainty and unbreakable loyalty could have been a trauma bond, I don't think that would be too surprising. But regardless, I was fully devoted. I was in love with him, and still have love. I was seriously there for him and cared. 
 

I'm 99.9% sure he never cared at all, and that it was a game to him. I think he had a goal and he did whatever he had to do to reach it. I have never felt so betrayed and heartbroken in my entire life.
 

He crushed me. 
 

He killed my hope and numbed a part of my heart that had finally started to feel alive.
 

I will feel and believe the way used to again.. eventually. 
 

The relationship was always confusing, stressful, and too often a source of agony, BUT I loved him. 
 

He didn't care how much pain he inflicted. 
 

If he can care, I don't think he could really even see it with proper clarity.. which made my heart hurt worse because the way I rationalized... The way I rationalize it still..
 

I think about how a child raised by an abusive, emotionally disconnected parent will eventually accept that mistreatment and that type of dysfunction as normal and acceptable.
 

So then I'd reflect on this man I love as an innocent child in such a situation.. I have a small child, a little boy..When I think about him being treated how D.B. treated me- or even worse, I can't stomach it.
 

I know D.B. went through worse, and it makes me curl up inside to imagine him being treated the way he thinks is an acceptable manner to have treated me.
 

To imagine how he must have been degraded and dehumanized in order to turn out like he is now.. To turn out thinking it is acceptable to do it to others..
 

For him to think that it doesn't matter to leave behind grotesque scars on someone who can't stand the thought of him being wounded.
  

Him being able to think and feel this way breaks my heart, because it means his was broken and pushed so far away from his conscious mind. 
  

The pain. I wish I could take it away from him. I would take the pain he left me in over and over and over again if it would magically make all of his stop.
 

I am not claiming that is right or healthy, IT IS NOT, but I am only being honest about what my heart wants. 
 

This doesn't mean I excuse the cruel things he does, even if I have compassion for why he's likely so destructive. 
 

I can't help but know he was once an innocent child. I know that at some point in his life he must've been completely devastated.. then smothered his light out to remain safe and unseen in the dark.
 

I see his spirit like a light that's been hidden for such a long time that it died and became the darkness it hid in. That's awful. People deserve better. He's still a person, even if he failed to treat me like one. He matters too.
 

My Slow Recovery